Care home "rules"

[Yupthatsit]

One of my relatives is beginning to realise she needs to move into a care home. She's in her mid 80s and she's great mentally but looking after her house is too much for her, she's tired now and she needs more care. She has said she's ok with going into a care home but has refused if she can't go for a walk daily and can't get an occasional online shop delivered (she's dreading the food but knows she'll only be able to get salads and snack things delivered - things that don't need cooking).

We've spoken to two care homes so far who have said these things wouldn't be possible. They allow walks with family members/visitors but not alone and she won't get visitors daily to do this. She only wants to go for a very slow walk for about an hour and she's capable of this if she goes slowly with her walker. She does it daily at the moment. They don't allow online shops. There are other homes we haven't spoken to yet but they'd be a bit further away to visit which makes things a bit more complicated.

I've not had anyone in a home before so I don't know if these requests are reasonable/unreasonable? Any thoughts or experiences welcome.

@Yupthatsit your poor relative. Care homes are often awful places which I think a lot of people kid themselves are good so they can dump the responsibility of their relative.
care homes are also horribly expensive. Have you considered live in care? Cheaper than the care home and someone to accompany them on their walks.

My Nan couldn't get up. She was incredibly frail. People in the home generally had to be moved physically from one room to the other. They often weren't capable of telling them what room they wanted to be in. For those that could physically move any distance, they got confused and lost between rooms and had to be helped because they lost their way or forgot where they were going or had been. Honestly, there are many additional levels if not coping for your relative to get through yet. They should try to keep their independence (and their money) for as long as they can. You can buy in support for housework, you can get in carers to help with personal tasks, and there are meals on wheels or equivalents. If they would like company, then some sort of sheltered accommodation with a communal area might work.

Honestly please dissuade your relative from the care home route unless there's no other option.

If they deteriorate later, and a care home becomes appropriate they can move at that stage. They might next get to that point.

I work in a care home. Residents with full MC can come and go as they like as long as we know their movements. We Cary out a full MC assessment on admission and assess every month.

ive messaged you op ref a care home in Lincolnshire.

It blows my mind that anyone would want to go into one of these voluntarily. It's not the place to make friends

My aunty is in a care home - ideal care homes is the company. They allow certain residents to go out on their own, unless your relative has a DOL - deprevation of liberty than she would be able to come and go as she pleases as they wouldn't be able to stop her!

My aunty also has a small fridge in her room, it's inbuilt in. Though not sure how deliveries would go.

They also have different floors of need - ground floor - little to no care needed, more of a residential home for them.

1st and second floor - for dementia and more care needed.

Thanks for explaining. Of course a lot of people have dementia here also, but if they are bad enough they go to a specialised unit. Those with mild dementia, or who just aren't able to cope with living home alone, often go into care, although some choose to stay home with carers coming in. Quite a number of those in my DM's home were quite sprightly and active and able to go in and out at will. I would be quite happy to go into a care home here when I can't cope.

I'm in NZ and it sounds as though things are better here also. Residents are allowed to keep a lot more of their own money before the government takes over paying for their care, and mostly they stay in the same home even when that happens. My GPs were in a lovely place a few decades ago, it was a very small place, my GF was the only man there, and my GM used to help in the kitchen! My DM was in two homes (the first one closed due to a declining number of residents) and the care was great.

Back in 2009 my dad was in a residential home run by the Trust (NI here). There was a gentleman who was a resident who had his own car and who would take trips out. Also another home where I know a woman was able to take the bus to visit another town. This was pre covid and I think she is no longer fit to do this. There is a difference between residential and nursing homes. Some have both.
Some people don't want to live on their own anymore and move for the company and have less to do but are perfectly capable of some independent living.

My dmum rents a sheltered flat (stuck house proceeds in the bank ready for care fees). It's kept her independent longer. She has friends and a social life. Can walk to the shops etc. She will have been there 3 years in January. Just reached the point of having carers twice a week to help with housework.