Teen DD no longer wants to spend time with us

[SummerGardenFlowers]

Teen DD is 14. Historically, over the summer we've always cleared off somewhere camping etc for a couple of nights at a time - we're not that well off and it's suited us as a family. DH and I are quite outdoorsy and DD has always enjoyed our trips where we've gone off somewhere to explore the local area.

Expect now, she's decided that she no longer wants to go. I totally understand and respect that she's decided it's not for her - she'd rather spend free time with her friends etc, I get it. BUT this means that essentially DH and I are now tethered to the house - she's too young to leave on her own, and we haven't got any family members to send her to so we can go away on the little trips that we've always loved. I've got a week of annual leave now, the weather's looking good and she doesn't want to do a single thing with me and I'm bloody bored!

Spot on. That’s the thing, if you let them they might teach us a thing or two. It goes both ways, and it’s always good to try new things!

Our teens have made us do stuff we would never have chosen and we’ve actually really enjoyed. They can shove you out of your comfort zone. Let her do your make up! Dd2 did mine before a recent social event - never had so many compliments!

I know it's your idea of hell but have you tried bribing her with something she loves even though you'll hate it?

I was an animal mad teen (still am as an adult) and my parents really weren't into them, but one of my favourite memories is my dad driving me to do an animal experience at a zoo on holiday. He was clearly so uncomfortable but he did it for me and it was an amazing experience for both of us and we still talk about it twenty years later.

I think it would be worth comprising and saying you'll go away but book some things you know are more her thing than yours.

@ummbrella

how much of yourself should you compromise of yourself when you’re a parent do you think? Everything?

I think if you hate camping you hate it - teenagers are just more open about their bad feeling towards it! I hated it as a teen, hate it now and would never consider it. If it’s camping she doesn’t like, rather than family trips, then maybe instead if ‘clearing off for a couple of nights at a time’ just have one trip and do something that’s not camping.

Not my experience…

Nor mine. Our teens love our holidays and really enjoy them because we - you know involve them in the planning and listen to their views .Fortunately there is massive overlap in what we enjoy and what they like. They don’t like rural so we have ditched the villas in the middle of nowhere for a few years and stay near or in small pretty towns but that’s no big compromise for a few years.

@SummerGardenFlowers could she not stay with her sister or have a sleepover at a friend's house, if even just for a night? Forgive me if this has already been suggested!

She's 14. If you are going camping, she is going camping. If you appease every teenage strop with you being the one to compromise, you will have no life for the next few years.

At this age my kids had no say, and they either made the most of it, or had a self induced shit time. Invariably they made the most.

Wow some people really do see parenting as a multi-decade battle, don't they?

I don't think you should force her to go. It would be miserable for all concerned. But nor do I think you should do much to sort out her entertainment during the week at home. Can you just leave her to get bored in her room, and plan something nice for yourself each day - a little day trip, bike ride, visit friends? A proper staycation!

A 14 year old wouldn’t get a say. They are going. They can’t hold the rest of the family to ransom. Take her with you, if she whinges and moans just ignore her and don’t let it ruin your break, she has the opportunity to make life better for herself if she chooses. Life lesson for her is sometimes we have to do things we don’t want to do and we have to suck it up and make the most of it.

Why on earth does a 14yr old get the deciding vote?!?

she can be miserable in the tent whilst you enjoy the outdoors.

I’m in the “try and find a compromise whilst knowing that this phase will soon be over” camp. That’s based on memories of being 14 and the experiences of my friends from that time. I was really fortunate- I got into music which meant I went on music courses a couple of times a year and I LOVED it. It was way better than any holidays with the olds. I think it is interesting that you say that you and she have different interests, which is just life isn’t it? I think you said you might be able to afford a foreign holiday next year so it’s maybe just a 2024 problem. Can you get her involved with planning the 2025 holiday already? People seem to plan holidays earlier and earlier these days.

Exactly. Talk about the tail wagging the dog!

She will probably enjoy it once she's there, just the teenage cba attitude. Plan it, go, ignore the whining and when settled there, different scenery, treats etc and hopefully make some new friends. At that age there were times I didn't feel like I wanted to go away or even our swimming trips, but once there I was very happy! Xx

If you do end up staying home, I would have some days out just you and DH, a nice pub lunch and a walk / bike ride , she can join you if she wants otherwise say she can go out with friends but no just lounging around the house all day. Also don't pander to her whims all week, just say this is MY Holiday week and you didn't want to go away so I am having a week off.

I get this so just giving you a hug of support.
Just come back off a week in cornwall. Pushed the boat out with an expensive cottage with a hot tub and swimming pool to account for inevitable less than sunny days.
Luckily my 14 yr old did sort of half enjoy it, but I can see ahead to trouble next year if do similar again. Lots of chat about X being out with Y and they're having lovely time shopping in city centre, and Z with X having a sleepover, and...
I blame social media as they don't even get to have FOMO as know exactly what's going on with everyone!
Although in meantime I will cling on to hot chocolates watching sunsets, long pub garden lunches, mooching round cute local shops to buy cheap surfy bracelets, and two successful beach days!

I'd tell her you're bored, you have a week off work and you'd like to do something, and ask her for suggestions.

It's absolutely fine that she doesn't want to go camping, mine lost interest in camping around this age too, its a classic age of change, they aren't little kids any more, so their interests and likes dislikes are not the same as they were. So talk to her and see what she would like to do. There will be something.

I'm so disappointed at the number of replies that are saying 'tell her she's going, she's got no choice' What a short sighted and toxic attitude. Teens that are treated this way are not happy, and this kind of dictatorial parenting drives a wedge between everyone, at a time when kids actually need a lot of support.

Absolutely agree Marvellous your last paragraph is exactly what I think. Yes you are the adult with the power and the money. You can wield that at them to bend them to your will or you can actually respect them as people and find out what they would enjoy and find a middle way. Most normal nice parents do the latter.

Does she have a friend whose parents you get on with? Could you suggest alternate sleepovers so both parents could go for 2 nights away? Or could you go with a friend and then your husband do the same so you at least get a break? Alternatively, if you are close enough to coast, perhaps some day trips.

She doesn't get to dictate that there is now no summer break for thr whole family. Maybe see if there is somewhere she would like to go, and as you've said, you've offered her to bring a friend, but for me the holidays would be continuing until she can be left on her own

Yeah I've a daughter a similar age. Mine gets told she's going or we would never leave the house. If she started the sulking and attitude when away she's given a talking to and a chance to sort it out and if she doesn't then get phones gone and she can have an actual reason to sulk

Could a camping holiday be changed up slightly? When I was 14 I went camping with a friends family at the time of a surfing festival to a popular South West town. Did we enjoy watching the surfing competition and all the surf guys? Yes 😂 Her parents let us hang out on the beach for a couple of hours one evening and came and got us after dinner. Does she have any friend that wouldn't mind camping? We always went camping as kids so it was fine for me.

My DM and DD went on holiday with relatives for a week when I was 15. I wasn't asked if I wanted to go! I had a really boring week, lived on cornflakes most of the time and I can remember deciding to make a display of moths and trying to gas them with the gas cooker. Bit sick that, sorry.

Well we've made a compromise of sorts - I'm going away for 2 nights today to Cornwall with older DD, 14 year old staying home with her dad who's working anyway... Then me and DH gonna go away for a couple of nights this weekend while older DD comes and stays to look after her sister. Youngest has basically got plans with friends pretty much every day, I did try to persuade her to come with us but she still doesn't want to 🫤