Teen DD no longer wants to spend time with us

[SummerGardenFlowers]

Teen DD is 14. Historically, over the summer we've always cleared off somewhere camping etc for a couple of nights at a time - we're not that well off and it's suited us as a family. DH and I are quite outdoorsy and DD has always enjoyed our trips where we've gone off somewhere to explore the local area.

Expect now, she's decided that she no longer wants to go. I totally understand and respect that she's decided it's not for her - she'd rather spend free time with her friends etc, I get it. BUT this means that essentially DH and I are now tethered to the house - she's too young to leave on her own, and we haven't got any family members to send her to so we can go away on the little trips that we've always loved. I've got a week of annual leave now, the weather's looking good and she doesn't want to do a single thing with me and I'm bloody bored!

If you crumble at a bit of silent treatment you are setting yourself up for a nightmare few years ahead!

Book the holiday. She is 14 and you are the parents.

I was thinking exactly the same thing! I don’t think people are appreciating the level of negotiation that goes into keeping good relationships with a teenager. Sure, you could force them, but does it really help anyone?

Also not brilliant for your ongoing relationship- “nah I don’t listen to my teens I just shout at them to do what I say!” Classic 90s parenting there! No one i know parents teens like this these days.

I’ve got 2 x dds - one 20 and one 16.

Agree with pp @TheaBrandt who mentioned there is no nuance in some of the replies. It really isn’t a case of either letting the dc do whatever she wishes -

versus treat her like she is a horrible brat and it has to be the parents’ way or the highway!

I won’t win any parent of the year awards but my approach is to try and keep the communication channels open, pick your battles, and compromise. It’s kind of a long game, you may not want to be their ‘friend’ but you’d hope (surely) to be on good terms when they are adults.

All of the compromise will depend on both yours and your dcs’ interests. My colleague for example always says yes when her teen asks to go for a drive. Does the colleague feel like it after a long day at work? - probably not but she leaps at the chance to spend time with her daughter when dd suggests it. I spend quite a lot on Starbucks drinks for the same reason, and watch stuff at the cinema that I might not choose.

in OP’s case I would go away for one night with my dh. I’d leave the dd at home alone in the days but with a relative to stay overnight, perhaps from early evening. Or dd to stay with a friend in return for you hosting a sleepover when you return.

As the child who was dragged away I am slightly more on her side. I’m the youngest so it was me alone going on trips with parents I hated, I even include abroad. Camping would have broken me.

i think it can be a difficult age to keep everyone happy, sadly. I’m taken teen to London but finding places to go for the day are almost impossible these days.

@Ponkpinkpink15

Do you actually have teens? I have 3 and dragging them into something they don't want to do is not fucking worth it.
If you do have them, then I feel a bit sorry for them. The 'do as you're told' style of parenting can have its place (particularly when they're young), within reason, but not in this instance.
I say that as much for the OP's benefit as her daughter's.

I honestly feel like here's a 50/50 split of opinions here 🤣 I do want to maintain a good relationship with my DD and I'm not really into forcing her into anything she doesn't want to do except working really hard at school and helping around the house a bit sometimes. She is doing very well at school and has just done her bronze duke of Edinburgh expedition (which was proper camping on a crappy ground mat, carrying an enormous backpack as big as she is - she said she HATED it!!)

I've got harsh memories of things that happened to me as a teen, places I was dragged to that I had no interest in along with quite frankly SHOCKING parenting from my own mother, who I no longer speak to. I don't want history to repeat itself with my own daughters and am willing to adapt my parenting to keep - because I'm not a selfish, dictatorial narcissist like my own mother.

You sound like a lovely mum.

With teens it’s walking a fine line between respecting their growing autonomy and building a more grown up relationship with them and accepting they are not 4 any more whilst guiding them not to be self centred gits. It’s not easy!

Mine flatly refused to do D of E so you winning there.

Perfectly normal in my experience.

I wouldn’t make her go, as you will all have a miserable time. In 2 or 3 years you’ll be able to leave her and do what you like.

You can say to a teen 'you are still too young to leave at home, you can entertain yourself while we are away and we will pick the kind of activities you fancy when we get there, but we are going away for a short break' without being 'a selfish, dictatorial narcissist'!!!!

It is hard picking a route when you had a bad upbringing, because you can swing entirely the other way - which is also a problem.

I often wonder if there is any correlation between parents who are of the very forceful ‘do as you’re told’ persuasion and their adult children later going no contact?

Some parents seem to approach parenting as if they are going into battle with the enemy - I find this quite sad. Sure I know teens can be hard, but we have the benefit of being more emotionally mature and able to see the bigger picture. Perhaps demonstrating some graciousness and treating them as young people rather than annoying overgrown toddlers would make it easier to bear.

I also hope that some of the toddler parents who offer such stern advice on threads like this might come back in a few years with a different outlook!?

Do you have relatives you can send her to? Preferably the sort who take no nonsense and believe in bedtime at 9pm sharp.

@PaleSunshineOfHope if I had relatives like this I’d probably be very low contact not sent a child to them to enable this unpleasant attitude…

I suppose it comes down to adjusting my own expectations a bit. We've had happy holidays for years camping including road trips across France when DD was little and loved it, and older DD loved it anyway, win win situation all round. It's just a bit of a weird no mans land situation at the moment where she's discovering who she is and what she likes doing that isn't dictated by us, because when she was little she obviously didn't get a choice!

I don't speak to my side of the family. My mum gave my older daughter a joint when she was 13.... I give them a very wide berth for obvious reasons!!!

Does she have any interests you can tap into?

You could try to get her to think of somethng she'd like to see or a city she's interested in visiting perhaps.

At 14 I still went on holiday with my parents and no choice.. I was 16, just finished GCSE and that was the first time I got a flight on my own and, stayed with family abroad. Had a lovely holiday romance too! Just tell her, she's too young still but a couple of more years and she should be fine on her own. It was 30 odd years ago, and we certainly were not babied or had helicopter parents like so many are today, but I agree 14 she still be going away with you.

It's hard though, because if my dc don't why to come on holiday with us, we don't get a holiday either. They are early mid teen and there is no one to have them. And I work fucking hard for my one holiday in the sun each year.

Ds said he wanted to come in holiday with us, but hates sitting by the pool.

Dd hates any kind of walking around.

We have compromised by pissingthem both of on different days of the holiday. On pool days, ds has set by the pool and read. He won't even go in it, but it hasn't occurred to him to just stay in the room. Dd has moaned on walking days, but we ignore. Both have enjoyed 'proper' trips.

Nope! Not naturally interested in much! Older DD did various sports and football for years, is a keen musician bla bla, younger DD never that much interested in sport etc, believe me we have encouraged her! I've got horses, she doesn't like them and never has, we used to do a lot of cycling but now she doesn't want to. She's a bit of a home bird, she's VERY into makeup and clothes (not really my thing!)

Ah that's tricky. DS2 (15) is a bit unimpressed with a lot of our holiday ideas, but fortunately he's got a big brother who can step in - usually bought with beers and a couple of take aways
They do get on generally well fortunately, and DS2 is pretty easy

We went to Cyprus last year for my sister's wedding though and she LOVED IT!!! She spent most of the holiday in the sea with a snorkel or in the pool. Just no budget for that this year sadly. Here, no interest in surfing or anything

I have, ours were told they had to come on holiday with us until they were 16, they could sit in the hotel, caravan, b&b or cottage all they liked during the day, but they had to come with us. Ds spent most of his last holiday with us in the hotel room during the day joining us for dinner at night.

adults make these decisions , not children.

When we camped with teenage DD, we asked her to bring a friend (and they had their own tent on an adjacent pitch), coming with us to the beach then wandering off to do whatever teenagers do.

Saved our teen doing the ‘face’ and wandering around with a lip you could trip up on, and we always booked an electric pitch so they didn’t die or explode if their phones had run out of battery.

Otherwise she’d have had to stay at home with her older brother, and though they love each other dearly as adults now, I would’ve come home to house in ruins and their carcasses trapped in the rubble.

A few nights camping was a far better option for teen DD.

We are going to my parent's summer cottage abroad. No electricity, only cold water, outside loo(not a water closet), no shower ( there is a river to freshen up), no phones because you can't charge them. Ds14 is very excited to go. He even reads books there. We go supping, hiking and water parks. Also to a monastery and some old things.

Good for you…sounds like my idea of hell to be fair though! And I’m not talking about the lack of internet…that’s the part that least disturbs me!