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Original poster

Teen DD no longer wants to spend time with us

156 replies

SummerGardenFlowers · 27/07/2024 14:25

Teen DD is 14. Historically, over the summer we've always cleared off somewhere camping etc for a couple of nights at a time - we're not that well off and it's suited us as a family. DH and I are quite outdoorsy and DD has always enjoyed our trips where we've gone off somewhere to explore the local area.

Expect now, she's decided that she no longer wants to go. I totally understand and respect that she's decided it's not for her - she'd rather spend free time with her friends etc, I get it. BUT this means that essentially DH and I are now tethered to the house - she's too young to leave on her own, and we haven't got any family members to send her to so we can go away on the little trips that we've always loved. I've got a week of annual leave now, the weather's looking good and she doesn't want to do a single thing with me and I'm bloody bored!

OP posts:
EffinMagicFairy · 27/07/2024 16:08

Understandable, having been on brilliant camping holidays with our DC, we had to up our game for holidays, as neither wanted to camp after age 14, and we did the take a friend which was a nightmare as said friend had never camped. Unfortunate funds don’t allow for you, so don’t know what to suggest other than I get it is easier to stay home. Rather than waste precious annual leave, could you work mornings, just take half days, if she would be bored on her own all day, that’s what I started doing and saved my full days annual leave for something I got more out of.

Mylondonmug · 27/07/2024 16:11

She’s only 14 🙈

  1. be a parent and tell her to go. It isn’t about her.
  2. don’t huff about and flounce because your “tied to the house” because the child you had is changing and growing up! You’ve had 14 years to prepare!

Come on OP. 💪 stop being a wet drama llama blanket

You can go camping near London! We did it recently!

CharlotteStreetW1 · 27/07/2024 16:11

Could she stay with your other DC? If only for one trip maybe.

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Nanny0gg · 27/07/2024 16:12

SummerGardenFlowers · 27/07/2024 15:43

Yes exactly - I don't want to force her and for her to resent us and have a lifetime of resentment against camping/the great outdoors in general. I'd like to think that if she has her own children one day (hopefully in the far, far distant future) that it would be something she would revisit, it's something she has enjoyed so much when she was younger. Conversely, I do have an older DD who is in her twenties who still absolutely loves it.

So can't older DD have her or come and stay?

WheresSummer99 · 27/07/2024 16:12

Is she interested in something in particular like a show in London and you tag a night on or a sport event somewhere or learning something new together? My 17yr still does stuff with me because I’m paying and we do fun stuff she’s interested in. My younger DD tags along occasionally but more often just hangs out with DH.

Twoshoesnewshoes · 27/07/2024 16:13

Yep, this was also our experience in teen years.
get a shortlist of last minute places to go to and encourage her to have sleepovers at friends 😊

WheresSummer99 · 27/07/2024 16:15

I’ll add to it that older DD 17 doesn’t like camping but I’ve taken DD13 camping & surfing recently. Yep I agreed to have surf lesson in my 50s because she really wanted too! But we had fun hanging out and I managed one wobbly stand up on the board. We only had 2n away in a small tent but it was fun.

Noseybookworm · 27/07/2024 16:21

I would definitely say you're coming, you can bring a friend if you want to. Ignore the sulking and I bet she'd be ok once you get there anyway! No way I'd let a 14 year old dictate whether you go away or not!

Original poster
SummerGardenFlowers · 27/07/2024 16:24

She's hard work!! Music - offered to take her to a gig recently (band we both like) - no. Asked if she fancied going to London to see the sights - not really. Does she want to go to the cinema - no. Bike ride? No. I think if it's not a holiday to a beach in Cyprus or turkey like her mates she's not really interested. She does spend a lot of time with her friends which is good - we did have a really tricky couple of years between 10 and 12 which I won't go into but I'm glad she is building bonds with her friends and feel it is important to her for variety of reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerGardenFlowers · 27/07/2024 16:27

Mylondonmug · 27/07/2024 16:11

She’s only 14 🙈

  1. be a parent and tell her to go. It isn’t about her.
  2. don’t huff about and flounce because your “tied to the house” because the child you had is changing and growing up! You’ve had 14 years to prepare!

Come on OP. 💪 stop being a wet drama llama blanket

You can go camping near London! We did it recently!

Edited

Oh I am neither huffing nor flouncing believe you me!! Neither am I a wet blanket drama llama (thanks 🤣), you've no idea of some of the stuff I've had to deal with in life, I'd say I'm the opposite of a wet blanket but I'm trying to handle this situation considerately!!

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 27/07/2024 16:28

At 14 even if you offer that she can bring a friend:

She may not want to offer as camping is not a desirable holiday for a teen

The friend may very well not want to come

She then has to ask lots of friends before she finds one that's prepared to come.

If I were her I wouldn't want to ask my friends. Bad enough that my family go camping which is uncool, even worse to have to tell your friends.

She probably feels that no holiday is preferable in terms of social status,

LuckySantangelo35 · 27/07/2024 16:30

EVHead · 27/07/2024 14:42

This is also my view. There are a few years when things have to change because of the age your child is. They won’t last long then you’ll have your freedom back. This is just part of being a parent.

Show quote history

@EVHead

are you seriously saying OP should sacrifice her holidays and just stay home?

Mylondonmug · 27/07/2024 16:33

@SummerGardenFlowers didn’t mean to offend you! I just really want you to have a nice little break from home on your annual leave - at first it sounded like your DD was a petulant pain in the butt!

But your update does sound like it’ll be more difficult than first thought.

Hope you find a solution soon ☺️

Ponkpinkpink15 · 27/07/2024 16:36

JMSA · 27/07/2024 14:53

You can't drag her on a camping holiday. I don't know many teenage girls who'd enjoy that, and it would be miserable for everyone.
Could you perhaps compromise by doing glamping or an inexpensive B&B?

@JMSA

of course you can tell them they're going at 14. They're 14.

@SummerGardenFlowers

id say I'm telling you, not asking you, on x date we are going away & at 14 you are not staying home alone. She's likely to enjoy it once she gets there. If she doesn't want to do what you're doing when you're there she can stay where you're camping for a few hours.

the world doesn't revolve around her, get her used to that notion.

FlatWhiteExtraHot · 27/07/2024 16:38

If it’s only a couple of nights she can suck it up. No reason she can’t lie in bed all day on her phone while you and DH do what you want to do.

She will only “ruin it” if you let her. Point out it’s three days out of the rest of her life and it won’t actually kill her.

Have you explained to her that you can’t actually afford to go abroad? I don’t think anyone would be particularly excited about two nights camping versus two weeks abroad, but that’s life unfortunately.

Ponkpinkpink15 · 27/07/2024 16:39

user1474315215 · 27/07/2024 14:55

Whoops! You need to manage your expectations for a couple of years. Your DD is as much entitled to have an opinion on your plans as the adults. You may not be able to do what she wants, but it really isn't fair to expect her to tag along with something she doesn't want to do.

No, no she's not. Parents parent, children do as they're told. They don't get to dictate holidays.

tribalmango · 27/07/2024 16:40

Did you discuss the holiday plans together?
I am a lone parent so if my kids are mardy on holiday....well it's not really a holiday for anyone, is it?
My younger son would hate camping. Sure, he's too young to leave home alone, but he's mature enough to know what he enjoys (and teenager enough to let us all know about it).

NuffSaidSam · 27/07/2024 16:41

Could she stay with her older sister? Or go for a sleepover at a friend's so you could at least have a weekend away?

Ukholidaysaregreat · 27/07/2024 16:44

Invite a friend. Drag them out. It's good
for them. You can do a day just for them at a different time. 14yr olds aren't incharge of the family and they do need dragging along. Mine would be happy to spend all day on Fortnite but being outside and joining in with family activities will do them good.

Original poster
SummerGardenFlowers · 27/07/2024 16:45

Yes she knows why there's no abroad holiday this year, we've discussed it, planning to rectify that situation next year. I think I'm gonna take on board what posters have said and try to balance it out, the weather's looking good this week ( after all the rain!!) so I'm going to say we're going somewhere nice near a beach where's there's some stuff to do etc so she can lay in the sand and get a suntan for a few days!

OP posts:
Original poster
SummerGardenFlowers · 27/07/2024 16:46

Older sister a bit of a no go due to working full time and she's got her own stuff going on, she does sometimes come up and babysit which is nice but they don't get on awfully well 🤣

OP posts:
BarbedButterfly · 27/07/2024 16:48

I swear I would have hitchhiked back home if my parents had tried to make me go camping. Don't like it at all still, though apparently I did when younger. I would just tell her, fine, no hols, here is budget for x number of days, plan something fun for us to do

YouJustDoYou · 27/07/2024 16:50

SummerGardenFlowers · 27/07/2024 15:02

We're lucky enough to live in a holiday area, near the beach, moors etc so don't actually have to go far to have a day out - it's just nice to clear off somewhere different for a few days. I can suck it up not going until she's older!

I mean, it'll only be a couple years until she's old enough to be left, just hang in there op. We couldn't holiday even once all my childhood (too poor, even for camping), and I was lonely as fuck, I guess the positive is that even though you'll be at home with her, she has her friends and she can have a happy time with them, it of course sucks for you but it is what it is. Maybe spend the camping money on some date night treats for yourselves instead?

TheaBrandt · 27/07/2024 16:55

Are the hard core dictatorial “drag the spoilt brat along” brigade mothers of very small children? No nuance there at all. Most reasonable parents accept you need to modify your parenting style as they get older not treat them as recalcitrant 4 year olds and just shout at them and impose your will.

i think your issue is camping is actually quite niche. I don’t know many adults that would actively choose that as a holiday. It requires a certain personality type and skill set. A reluctant teen on a basic camping trip has disaster holiday written all over it sorry.

Mrsjayy · 27/07/2024 16:56

Her friends are everything to her this is normal but I don't think letting her dictate your holiday is good for her,
yes all her friends are away abroad but a pound to a penny they will be moaning and tutting it's too hot or it's "boring " they want to sit in the room on their phones etc etc.

It's just something you need to negotiate I'd go away ask her sister to sit for you if you don't want to force her to come, but children setting boundaries like this is moving your line,