Teen DD no longer wants to spend time with us

[SummerGardenFlowers]

Teen DD is 14. Historically, over the summer we've always cleared off somewhere camping etc for a couple of nights at a time - we're not that well off and it's suited us as a family. DH and I are quite outdoorsy and DD has always enjoyed our trips where we've gone off somewhere to explore the local area.

Expect now, she's decided that she no longer wants to go. I totally understand and respect that she's decided it's not for her - she'd rather spend free time with her friends etc, I get it. BUT this means that essentially DH and I are now tethered to the house - she's too young to leave on her own, and we haven't got any family members to send her to so we can go away on the little trips that we've always loved. I've got a week of annual leave now, the weather's looking good and she doesn't want to do a single thing with me and I'm bloody bored!

This is a tricky age. You could make her come, but my experience of this age is even if they wanted to, we still had the odd teenage tantrum on holiday which was tiring and just meant the trip wasn't as fun as I'd imagined, I mean if the point is to have fun as a family, this isn't likely if she's very resentful.

I would try to get away though, can she go to a friend's for the weekend so you can go for a couple of days? To grandparents on her own in France? Encourage her to go on school holidays and trips away, cheaper than you all going? In short, if she doesn't want to go camping with you, which I kind of do get, then try to find other ways to fit that in for yourself- even down to going away taking it in turns to visit old friends, lots of meals out when you are home.

If it were abroad/France, I bet she would come, it's the tent thing I think.

I still struggle with camping after several decades because of miserable holidays with my parents. They loved camping, I hate it. To quote Pitch Perfect, "why would you voluntarily live like dogs?".

However, it's a week of annual leave. Can't you be tourists in your own town?

Camping is boring as a teen with no siblings or friends tbh

We stopped camping around your DD age because my DC just got fed up of it. So had I

We're lucky enough to live in a holiday area, near the beach, moors etc so don't actually have to go far to have a day out - it's just nice to clear off somewhere different for a few days. I can suck it up not going until she's older!

We have adjusted what we do to accommodate teens still enjoyable for us but frankly remote rural places with pools not ideal for lively sociable teens. Got away with it for years.

We always camped with groups of friends mind

I'd never have gone on my own with the DC

That's just hell

I was that 14 year old. Can you let her help choose where you go camping, for example somewhere with more going on? You might like being in the middle of nowhere but she might enjoy somewhere with a bit more to suit her age (eg Newquay has the surfer scene and some shops/arcade etc) and also chuck money at the situation. Not ideal, but usually teens can be tempted with money to spend when on holiday.
Could be a good way to compromise.

Or you mentioned you already live in a touristy area, could you break tradition of camping and have a city break away? A night in London is always fun

Yes, but as mentioned upthread money is a bit of an issue this year

Does she actually like camping? If she doesn't then perhaps just give it a miss this year and do some nice day trips or go to the cinema.

I personally hate camping and would rather have no holiday, but that's me. So I would probably have been like your teenager, though possibly for different reasons.

It's ridiculous. She's 14. Her parents are going on holiday, so she goes too, end of. Punishment if she ruins it by sulking. She's a couple of years away from being able to start living an adult life and making all her own decisions.

Same for family days out, she has to suck it up and make the best of it. You're doing her no favours pandering to her like this. It's a life lesson she needs to learn. She needs to realise that part of growing up is that the family no longer revolves around children and others feelings/wants/needs have to be taken into consideration.

She's 14 and at school so will be seeing her friends all the damn time. It won't kill her to have some time away from them to accommodate her parents desire for holidays and trips out. She needs to learn that you don't exist purely to facilitate her life - that's selfish, spoiled brat territory.

I think as a teen you want to be able to withdraw off on your own a bit, to your room, if no where else. That’s a natural part of turning in to an independent adult. Your room becomes your safe half way house. It’s not done deliberately; it’s just a normal part of growing up.

And camping with mum and dad, especially as an only child, is potentially a bit too intense, intimate and smothering. (I am not saying you are any of those things op but this is from a teen perspective.)

We felt the same about peaceful wild places on holiday but during the teen years we adapted holidays to suit them. It’s only a small period of time in the grand scheme of things and once they leave home, you miss them such a lot.

It’s a sacrifice but you and your dh will have all of your retirement hopefully to go back to the wilds. And your dd when older may even join you again once she’s past the difficult teen stage.

So why not ask your dd to invite a friend and take them on some EU city breaks, maybe two three-day weekends? Just buy whatever last minute tickets are available at a modest price (if such a thing exists nowadays) ? Zagreb? Berlin? Bilboa? Ljubljana?

Does it have to be camping? Can it be a caravan, glamping etc maybe somewhere near something that would appeal to her such as horse riding or a theme park.

I wouldn’t let her dictate if you go away or not but be open to compromising on where you go and what you do.

Can’t she go and stay with a friend for a few days? Have you explained that she’s also ruining your opportunity for a holiday? Teens are often intrinsically selfish, but sometimes respond when the impact is pointed out to them.

But it brings down the entire mood for the rest of the family. At that age, we were fortunate that we could leave them with the grandparents, and we went on lovely relaxing holidays with just the two of us!

I am on the fence op - at 14 she shouldn't be allowed to dictate but also, l would hate to have to do sonething l don't enjoy (camoing) and then get in trouble for not enjoying it!

Tough one.

Yes exactly - I don't want to force her and for her to resent us and have a lifetime of resentment against camping/the great outdoors in general. I'd like to think that if she has her own children one day (hopefully in the far, far distant future) that it would be something she would revisit, it's something she has enjoyed so much when she was younger. Conversely, I do have an older DD who is in her twenties who still absolutely loves it.

I remember being 14. All my friends were going to France and Italy and we went camping somewhere a couple of hours away. I remember the embarrassment I felt. I guess at that age you become aware of things. Instead of a week camping could you do a long weekend to Bruges or somewhere in France. It wouldn't be too expensive if you drove and took the Eurotunnel. You could even camp there.

That's fine if that's what you want to do but where are you going to draw the line are you just going to accept its her way with no compromise, what is that telling her ?

This. I feel her pain. It’s not a holiday for someone that age.

Imo 14 year olds hate everyone and everything except their friends so.whatever you do to please them won't please them, they will just find another thing "you" do that annoys or embaresses them.

We get ours away with bribes of favourite foods, screen time and we negotiate on length of time. To be honest if we went by our teens they would shut themselves in their rooms and watch screens until they landed in hospital so they definitely need some ‘we’re going so you do have to come but …’ Best of luck op, it’s all a battle!

God you sound just selfish and mean. It’s ridiculous to expect a 14-year old to want to go camping with her parents. If you want a decent relationship with your children when they are adults, then don’t treat them like you are some kind of dictator. Compromise.

It’s a lesson you need to learn, to quote yourself.

Oh god our very existence embarrasses her! Up until not that long ago she refused to have friends round because she was embarrassed about our house (it's a perfectly ok 3 bed terrace with a great view that is very presentable). They come round now though because we're good cooks and all her friends like our food !

Is there something more to this? I'm guessing she's wedded to her phone. But other friends will be going away. Is she going to kiss something? A party or event?
Otherwise yep she's coming with you although as a po said let her use her phone plenty.