The battle to get DH out of bed in the school holidays.

[Sleepiboi]

Kids only broke up on Tuesday and I'm already annoyed with him.

Kids are teens, so sleep in when not in school. On school days DH has to drive them /collect them as we moved further away for a bigger house and transport links aren't great.

But when it comes to the holidays he just won't get out of bed.

It causes so much tension. He would happily sleep in till midday every day if I left him.

But I wake up at around 7.30am and get up to sort the animals and other stuff that needs doing and I have to go in and wake him up 7 times over the course of hours.

He doesn't seem to think it's an issue but I think it's awful to just sleep all morning, every day.

God yeah, I thought being dragged out of bed for breakfast at 7 in the holidays sounded hideous

But you’ve said that you wake up at 7.30 because that’s your body clock. Getting up at lunchtime may be his body clock. Why don’t you leave him some jobs for later in the day? Presumably he goes to bed later than you so has more time in the evening? I have to admit that I would just enjoy the peace and quiet in the morning!

So if he was a teacher or term time worker, I would completely leave him to it and let him enjoy the hols the way he wants, plenty of lie ins etc. But the fact he is not currently working and has teenagers to support, this would annoy the hell out of me. I’d expect him to get his a* out of bed to look for a job. Are you the sole earner, paying for everything while he spends half the day in bed? I’d certainly have something to say about that. That’s assuming he doesn’t have health problems/ disability.

Would you say the same to a SAHM?

A SAHM stating in bed until 1pm, even when the kids are teens? I doubt it.

I went on holiday around 10 years ago with DH and the teens. They all stayed up till 2 and slept till lunchtime. After a week I started to go out for days alone, and told DH I'd go with friends in future. He started to compromise more about it after that.

Why should he get up? Your kids are old enough to sort themselves out.

I am not entirely sure what the issue is here.

He gets up when he has to.
He has always been like this with sleeping, so you knew.

The only thing that jumps out is the morning essential jobs with the animals.

Where they his suggestion? Just that when we have talked about getting a dog my H says he isn't doing the morning walk. So I know the score beforehand.

If he agreed to do the morning jobs he is presently sleeping through then fair enough kick off.

The only way to balance out I guess is to tell him he can do the evening jobs for the animals, house, so dinner say, so your "working day" is finished before his.

He did? Or you both did? It’s not compromise if someone insists everyone else (the majority in this case) conforms to their way of doing things.

Maybe you wanted different things out of holidays?

Normal hour, normal by whose standards? Everyone does different things these days. The days of 9-5 jobs are long gone.

WHY does everything have to be done by a certain time? Washing can be done just as easily at 9pm as 9am, as can all housework.

As both you and your husband work why shouldn't he sleep in till 9 on a Sunday? I hardly think 9am on a Sunday is late. Is there a prize for doing all the housework and admin before 11am? You don't have to do it all by then, what do you do after that?

Its no wonder so many relationships break down if people get so worked up about the time their partner wakes/gets up.

What did I miss? Where did all the dairy animals and horses come from?

They don't have little kids, they have teens who are also in bed, but that is okay according to OP. What's the difference. He gets up early in term time and takes them to school. It hasn't been specified what the division of labour is or if the kids do any housework.

It also hasn't been ascertained if she works either.

The only thing that seems to need doing in the morning is feeding the animals, but pets adjust to your timings. We have had literally dozens and dozens of animals and none of them has died of hunger because they have not been fed by 7.30am. The woman next door gets up at 4.30-5am everyday because, she says, their dog wants to go out. They have had many dogs in the time they have lived next door and all their dogs want to go out at that time! Ours never do.

What did I miss? Where did all the dairy animals and horses come from?

They are imaginary. Possibly. The OP is yet to declare what “sort the animals” actually involves and why the sorting needs to be done in the morning. His/her reasonableness/unreasonableness hinges quite a lot on what the sorting is and what the animals are. There is a huge difference between managing a dairy herd or stabled horses alone and feeding a hamster. Is she mucking out 12 stables or squeezing a pouch of whiskas into a dish? Do they have a kennels? A racing yard? A trout farm? (He doesn’t but does she?)
I’ve never had a cat who cares about any kind of routine, but they do tend to be nightowls themselves. Dogs will do whatever. Horses and cows are different, which is possibly why the OP is annoyed. She doesn’t actually say that though, she just says it’s “awful” to be in bed during the day.

Being resentful of 9.00am on a Sunday😂

Classic.

Why is a long lie in ‘indulgent?’

Its genetic, like blue eyes or blond hair. Is having one of these ‘indulgent?’

My experience is that Mumsnet actually mostly does say this to SAHMs as well, if their kids are older. This site is generally not very pro-SAHM unless there are Reasons (SN or having a small baby or carer needs or whatever).

And yes, he needs to get a job. He sounds lazy.

My experience is that MN is full of posts from SAHMs saying they fancy a lazy day or to go back to bed after the DC have gone to school and the responses are nearly always "yes, you need to look after yourself and do what's right for you".
I grant you that SAHMs of teens are frequently asked why they don't have a job. Although this thread is marked for the proliferation of posts saying that about the male person in the thread, with an exponentially smaller number to the woman.

Not read whole thread but the OP hasn’t said if either of them work. In which case, she is NBU unless there’s a big back story here.
I’d love to have a lie in now that the DC are teens and are off school, but I have to get up and go to work.

What I think is lazy is that he doesn't have a job and you have teenagers. At present he's not contributing anything. Why aren't you answering the question about a job?

My DH would sleep in till at least 11am if he could, often more like lunchtime. It pisses me off as I get up, sort animals and do morning jobs and try to distract DD from being on screens all morning! I used to wake him but that involves going in multiple times over several hours which quite frankly I can't be arsed doing! He told me a few times to wake him up by 10 if he hasn't already woken up but my reply was that he can set a bloody alarm if he's that bothered! I'm not his mother and it's his choice if he wants to sleep in! Often DD and I will go off for the .morning and leave him!

Hi op,

gosh I would find that very annoying and actually wouldn’t be able to let the man sleep like this 😵‍💫

have a tchat with him and figure out something that works for both of you. How is he doing? Was he let go? Be mindful 🌺 mental health in men that go through work changes isn’t great.

That said… is there any chores that you can give him mid morning so he HAS to get up? : « I am struggling juggling with tit and tat, can you p’ease take this up for the holidays? » prep option 2 even « or if you prefere… » surely the kids will be doing stuff and need rides or they need eating something they wouldn’t do.

I would also kinda decide of a time that it is fine to send the children to their dad if he absolutely won’t move. And I’d tell him that. So say « past 9am »: « I am in the middle of cooking so go and ask your dad ».

but again, be mindful 🌺 even if it was him deciding to go. Anything else happened? The fact that he always was like that doesn’t mean it isn’t « caused » by something deeper.

Good luck 💪🏼

My husband works 5 nights a week and even if he has a night or a whole week off he will always sleep all day. We have younger children so it causes a lot of issues as he dozes all day whilst he's meant to be watching the kids, he never takes them out, never wants to do anything as a family. I gave up caring about what he does when I'm home I just get on with stuff with the kids. It annoys me that he spends his time with the kids on the sofa.

However I was brought up by a mum who insisted we were out of bed before 9am no matter what. It was awful, I have no idea why it annoys her so much. She used to say we were wasting the day but would be happy if we were dressed but stayed in our bedrooms so not like she wanted to do stuff with us.

A grown adult can sleep when they want, if it doesn't work for you then talk about it. If you can't find a compromise that works for you both then LTB.

The times you both sleep or wake are not a moral matter!

Are you really just unhappy that he sleeps at different times to you?

Him not pulling his weight and doing a fair share of the household chores IS something to complain about. (Surely not all tasks have to be done in the morning? )

You wanting the two of you to be up and awake together for more of the day is reasonable… but you need to compromise on the times. (Getting up earlier is hard for him - going to bed later is hard for you.)

“Biologically, teenagers have a different circadian rhythm to people of other ages. Their internal body clock, which tells them when and how long to sleep, doesn't line up well with the norms of the social clock. Forcing teenagers out of bed early in the morning to go to school can affect their physical and mental health, attention span and ability to learn.“
You can find tens of articles on this subject from a quick google search online.
Conversely our ancestors just accepted this and would task their tribe’s teenagers with night watch duties. Northern countries have also accepted this, which is why some high schools start at 12 pm.
My mom, a doctor, being aware of my teenage circadian rhythm’s limitations would just let me wake up whenever I felt like waking up during the school holidays(I felt like waking up at 12pm) and would go to bed at 3 am. At night I would read novels and that’s how I discovered my love for Japanese horror graphic novels, could only find them in English which helped improve my English level. I also discovered 3D sculpting and 3D painting softwares and the skills I developed at that time proved to be very helpful later in life. It’s amazing what a well slept teenage brain can accidentally absorb when left to follow its own devices.