@TheWayTheLightFalls welcome to the thread! Very belatedly... so sorry nobody picked up your message at the time. Isually someone is around but seems like it was just dead at that point randomly and I am only just catching up on earlier messages I missed as I've been snowed under recently.
So many of us were diagnosed as adults so I am sure many can relate. It does take a while to get your head around a diagnosis even if you were expecting it.
On your specific points, absolutely re. the frustration with yourself! I am so tired a lot of the time I don't do a good job of taking care of myself, just nothing left to do it. But that's not a good idea...
It's hard work isn't it? I think so much can be driven by habit and routines can really help so proprioceptive issues don't become a big issue, with me suddenly realising I am starving/ thirsty because I haven't realised and have forgotten to eat. But am all over the place atm so it can be a self-reinforcing cycle. But then takes effort to change that, gah!
Totally agree that the telling yourself to shut up and bury it isn't healthy, though. I guess many of us are so conditioned to try to hude our differences and beat ourselves up about it, that it can take a long time to unlearn and convince yourself that yes, you do matter, your needs matter and it's ok to prioritise them, especially if other people aren't doing so^^ and are expecting everything from you to look after/ accommodate them and it isn't being reciprocated.
It has taken me quite a while to grieve for the little girl I was, so misunderstood and confused and mistreated, and how different life could have been if I'd had more self-understanding earlier. I think it's very normal to go through the process you describe of reevaluating all of your memories with what you know now, so many things explained and to feel a bit sad about how with a childhood diagnosis you could have designed a life that worked much better for you. There is definitely a healing process to go through. The scars won't ever go but at least if you can process it all then you can let them heal and look to the future and what you can change now to make things better for you.
I did not realise the ADHD being medicated might bring out the autism more but that makes total sense and would explain some things for me the last few years (my ADHD was diagnosed even later than the autism!). I have seen my autistic traits and difficulties ramping up but put it down to being overwhelmed and peri but perhaps this is part of it, too. It makes total sense because while the two conditions make things so much harder than either on its own, because many things are like a constant war in your own brain with their clashing characteristics, in some ways some of the ADHD may counterbalance some of the autistic issues so then when those are treated... this is fascinating so thank you for saying this, I will certainly look into this more!! I have been useless for the last couple of years and maybe this is part of the reason why.
Absolutely agree also about the burying issues and frustration and taking it out on yourself, and also feeling guilt about exerting your own needs because we've been taught for so long not to. I always tell my children that self-deprecation isn't a hobby! Hard to apply these things to yourself but a good way of thinking about it, I find, is to say to yourself if one of your friends was you, what would you say to them? Then compare it with how you treat/ talk to yourself, and try to treat yourself more like you would a friend (I guarantee this would be much more kindly!!).
Re. your child I would advise personally to refer for diagnosis asap. You have experienced first-hand the effects of a delay in diagnosis. Waiting lists are long. And even when you get a diagnosis, actually getting support for a kid takes many more years. Both my children were diagnosed aged 3 and 4 and yet now, 3 years later I am still mired in EHCP tribunals. Waiting until the child can't cope to seek diagnosis is much too late because then they'll have a 5 or 6 year wait to get diagnosed and then get help at school. You have nothing to lose by getting them on the waiting list and then if later this isn't required you can withdraw them. Schools and Councils are trying to ration services so not surprised they advised you to "wait and see" but you can't really trust that their advice is driven purely by the best interests of your child IME.