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Share your favourite crap joke

126 replies

NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 12/07/2024 13:52

Just for fun…

A man is talking over the fence with his very forgetful neighbour. He mentions that it’s his wedding anniversary soon and he’s trying to find somewhere nice to take his wife.

Mr Forgetful says, “Oh, we went somewhere really nice for our anniversary… but I can’t remember the name of the place”. The neighbour, well used to the forgetfulness, says it doesn’t matter, but Mr Forgetful is determined to remember and tries to jog his memory. He says, “What are those places called… the religious buildings?”

Neighbour: “A church?”

”No, not a church… religious people live in them…”

Neighbour says, “You mean nuns? A convent”.

Mr Forgetful gets excited and says, “Yes, yes, like that! But the man’s version; what do they call that?”

“A monastery?”

“Like that, but shorter… what’s a shorter word for it?”

Neighbour guesses, “An abbey?”

Mr Forgetful snaps his fingers and says, “THAT’S it, thank you, I knew I’d get it in the end!” So he turns and shouts to his wife, “Abi! What was the name of that restaurant we ate in on our anniversary?”

OP posts:
CherryogDog · 13/07/2024 10:40

A man walks into a pet shop and asks to buy a wasp.
"A wasp? We don't sell wasps" says the shop keeper.
"Well why have you got some in your window"?

A man walks into a cafe, looks at the specials board, and asks for pissholes and mash.
The waitress laughed and said that's an R, not a P.
So the man said I'll have arseholes and mash then.

Viagra "lite" for men who just want a wank.
Viagra eye drops, make you look well 'ard.

NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 13/07/2024 10:57

oneboy3girls · 13/07/2024 10:18

Need to get a new boiler.Which one do you recommend.Thanks.

This is hilarious 😆

OP posts:
DoorOpening · 13/07/2024 14:25

So what if I don’t know how to spell Armageddon?

It’s not the end of the world.

Toddlerteaplease · 13/07/2024 15:54

Why is there no Asprin on the zoo?

Because the parrots eat 'em all!

Kovus · 13/07/2024 16:05

A woman takes her unconscious hen to a vet. The vet tells her it is actually dead. The woman insists it is not and is just sleeping. She implores him to do anything he can to check there are no vital signs of life. She begs him, until he gives in.

He disappears into the adjacent room from which a minute later a cat emerges. The cat walks over to the hen, walks round while observing it then walks back out of the room. Next, a labrador dog comes out of the adjacent room with a clipboard. The dog prods the hen, walks round and studies it before making some comprehensive notes and also leaves the room.

The vet reappears and states very clearly that the hen is dead and needs to be disposed of. The woman finally accepts her loss and breaks down in tears. The vet takes the hen to the counter, puts it in a box and then hands the lady a bill.

"I expect I had better pay you" the woman says. She opened the bill and exclaimed "£850..!! We were only in here 20 minutes!".

"I know" said the vet, "But the bill includes £450 for the Lab Report and £350 for the Cat Scan".

HRTQueen · 13/07/2024 16:18

A skeleton walks into a pub
he says to the barman
I’ll have a pint and a mop please

apparently average laugh response is three second 😆 my response was easily double that

Damnloginpopup · 13/07/2024 16:36

misogynyisbigotry · 13/07/2024 06:28

I don't get the boob story - how is that funny, and therefore funny enough to mitigate the fact that women may have large breasts, and that men are likely to sexualize that and therefore exacerbate the harmful prejudice and discrimination that routinely hurts and disadvantages women in our society?

Wow.

GreenMarbles · 13/07/2024 18:19

Girl goes to the Doctor with a sore chest.
Doctor (taking out his stethescope): says big breaths
Girl: yeth, and I'm only eighteen

Chelsea26 · 13/07/2024 18:58

Doctor doctor - I can’t stop wearing cling film as trousers
Well I can clearly see you’re nuts!

Man walks into the bar and says “fellas - take a look at this.” And he reaches into his bag and pulls out a tiny little piano and a tiny little man. The little man sits at the piano and starts playing, playing whatever they ask.
Eventually another man says, “that’s amazing where did you get him?” And the original guy pulls out a magic lamp.
The second guy rubd the lamp and a genie appears “What is your wish?” The second guy says “I’d like £1000 bucks please?” The genie clicks his fingers and 1000 ducks appear.
The second guy says “that’s rubbish, I asked for 1000 bucks”
The first guy says “did you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

StellaAndCrow · 13/07/2024 19:18

GreenMarbles · 13/07/2024 18:19

Girl goes to the Doctor with a sore chest.
Doctor (taking out his stethescope): says big breaths
Girl: yeth, and I'm only eighteen

That happened to me in real life! I used to always say to patients "Big breaths now please" or similar.
Until an elderly man said to me "mm, yes, lovely" !!
Now I say "take a deep breath" or "breathe in and out" - I'm not making that mistake again!
(sorry to clutter up the joke board with a non-joke)

StellaAndCrow · 13/07/2024 19:18

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot!

TheHuntSyndicate · 13/07/2024 19:22

I told my friend I could make a car out of spaghetti and she was incredibly sceptical.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta.

PuddleglumtheMarshWiggle · 13/07/2024 20:57

My pet rat, Elvis, died last night.
He was caught in a trap!

It's a little known fact, that Yul Brynner was a lifelong Liverpool supporter. He also had an aversion to aftershave.
Yul never wore cologne!

PassingStranger · 13/07/2024 21:04

What's Pink and hard in the morning. The financial times crossword.
What did the grave say when it was trodden on. Nothing it just gave a little wine.

Man went to doctors. Doctor flu again
Patient no came by car.

BruceWillissDribble · 13/07/2024 22:08

I went for a Chinese the other day but had to complain. I said to the waiter, "Excuse me, this chicken is rubbery." He said "Why thank you kind sir!"

MissingMoominMamma · 13/07/2024 22:16

Sethera · 12/07/2024 21:35

What do you call a motionless deer with no eyes?

Still no idea.

We say, what do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs…

Nutsabouttopic · 13/07/2024 22:32

Killerqueenie · 12/07/2024 17:21

I once went to an interview at a blacksmiths
Blacksmith : "do you have much experience shoeing horses?"
I said "no but I once told a donkey to fuck off"

Cackling here at this, thanks

MWNA · 13/07/2024 22:43

misogynyisbigotry · 13/07/2024 06:28

I don't get the boob story - how is that funny, and therefore funny enough to mitigate the fact that women may have large breasts, and that men are likely to sexualize that and therefore exacerbate the harmful prejudice and discrimination that routinely hurts and disadvantages women in our society?

What a nasty post.

Primefungus · 13/07/2024 22:46

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre. So the barman gave her one.

Did you hear about the constipated mathematician? She worked it out with a pencil.

A bear walked into a bar and asked for a pint.........of beer. The barman said, why the big pause.

I farted in a lift today. It wad wrong on so many levels.

My scarecrow won an award today, for being outstanding in his field.

fuzzybritches · 13/07/2024 23:05

Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they 'arrrrrrrrrrrrr!

HectorPlasm · 13/07/2024 23:07

Headphonehair · 12/07/2024 17:08

What do you call a deer with no eyes

no idea

And no legs? Still no idea ...

Sethera · 13/07/2024 23:08

fuzzybritches · 13/07/2024 23:05

Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they 'arrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Reminds me of this Classics thread!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_classics/115727-pirate-noises-during-sex

HectorPlasm · 13/07/2024 23:08

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 12/07/2024 21:36

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

Genuinely never heard that one before. Well funny

TheCrenchinglyMcQuaffenBrothers · 13/07/2024 23:12

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
Here come the elephants.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephant’s coming, wearing dark glasses?
Nothing. He didn’t recognise them.

Goldrill · 13/07/2024 23:25

What do you call..
A sheep with no legs?
....a cloud

A spider with no legs?
...a raisin

A fly with no wings?
.... A walk.