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Share your favourite crap joke

126 replies

NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 12/07/2024 13:52

Just for fun…

A man is talking over the fence with his very forgetful neighbour. He mentions that it’s his wedding anniversary soon and he’s trying to find somewhere nice to take his wife.

Mr Forgetful says, “Oh, we went somewhere really nice for our anniversary… but I can’t remember the name of the place”. The neighbour, well used to the forgetfulness, says it doesn’t matter, but Mr Forgetful is determined to remember and tries to jog his memory. He says, “What are those places called… the religious buildings?”

Neighbour: “A church?”

”No, not a church… religious people live in them…”

Neighbour says, “You mean nuns? A convent”.

Mr Forgetful gets excited and says, “Yes, yes, like that! But the man’s version; what do they call that?”

“A monastery?”

“Like that, but shorter… what’s a shorter word for it?”

Neighbour guesses, “An abbey?”

Mr Forgetful snaps his fingers and says, “THAT’S it, thank you, I knew I’d get it in the end!” So he turns and shouts to his wife, “Abi! What was the name of that restaurant we ate in on our anniversary?”

OP posts:
SpeculatingRooks · 13/07/2024 23:30

Patient: Doctor Doctor I've got a strawberry growing out of my head!

Doctor: I've got some cream for that

YouCantTunaFish · 13/07/2024 23:31

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies

Whycantibetangy · 13/07/2024 23:32

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

….poke her face

BruceWillissDribble · 13/07/2024 23:33

Why do women close their eyes during sex?

They cant bear to see their man enjoying himself.

SpeculatingRooks · 13/07/2024 23:35

What do you call a man with a rabbit up his bum?

Warren

Sethera · 13/07/2024 23:35

TheCrenchinglyMcQuaffenBrothers · 13/07/2024 23:12

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
Here come the elephants.
What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephant’s coming, wearing dark glasses?
Nothing. He didn’t recognise them.

What do you do if you have a party and an elephant comes?

Swim for it!

UnstablefromDunstable · 14/07/2024 00:26

"Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pig."
"How long have you been feeling that way?"
"A weeeeeeeeek"

WestendVBroadway · 14/07/2024 08:17

3 men visit a swimming pool. That day a genie is granting wishes, that will turn the water into any drink that you request as you go down the slide into the pool.. The 3 men discuss what they will wish for. The first man is teetotal , the second man loves lager, and the third loves whisky. The first guy goes down the slide and shouts Coca-Cola, and the water turns to coke. After half an hour the next man goes down the slide and shouts Carlsberg. The third man waits patiently to get his Jack Daniels. As he goes down the slide he is so excited he shouts 'Weeeee'.

MoonWoman69 · 14/07/2024 08:32

Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interrupting c–
MOO!

If you're American when you go into the and you're American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you when you're in the bathroom?
European!

What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick!

What's green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels!

Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honeycombs!

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter!

Why do you never see pigs hiding in trees?
Because they're pretty good at it!

Boom boom! 😁

Aposterhasnoname · 14/07/2024 08:50

misogynyisbigotry · 13/07/2024 06:28

I don't get the boob story - how is that funny, and therefore funny enough to mitigate the fact that women may have large breasts, and that men are likely to sexualize that and therefore exacerbate the harmful prejudice and discrimination that routinely hurts and disadvantages women in our society?

Bet you’re a riot at parties

MoonWoman69 · 14/07/2024 12:47

@Aposterhasnoname 🤣🤣🤣

Fifthtimelucky · 14/07/2024 12:55

Izzynohopanda · 12/07/2024 18:03

What’s big, red, and eats rocks?

A big, red, rock-eater!

……..

Why do birds fly south?

Because it’s too far to walk!

(jokes I got from a childhood Dr Seuss joke book, fifty years ago!)

Edited

I had that book!

SeeSeeRider · 14/07/2024 13:07

My auntie bought a tin of baked beans and there were some ball bearings in it. She bent over and shot the cat.

SpeculatingRooks · 14/07/2024 13:42

Who is the warmest athlete?

The long jumper

StarCourt · 14/07/2024 14:08

Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7 8 9

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/07/2024 15:50

What’s the difference between a fish and a mountain goat?
One mucks around in a fountain the other fucks around on a mountain.

Whats the difference between a Nun having a fight and Nut having a party.?
One is having a nun fight another is having a fun night.

What’s the difference between someone praying and someone in the bath?
One has hope in their Soul the other has soap in their hole.

Molone · 14/07/2024 16:02

How do you know if there’s an elephant in your fridge?

Theres footprints in the butter!

Sethera · 14/07/2024 16:04

How do you fit four elephants into a Mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.

HappiestSleeping · 14/07/2024 16:56

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 14/07/2024 15:50

What’s the difference between a fish and a mountain goat?
One mucks around in a fountain the other fucks around on a mountain.

Whats the difference between a Nun having a fight and Nut having a party.?
One is having a nun fight another is having a fun night.

What’s the difference between someone praying and someone in the bath?
One has hope in their Soul the other has soap in their hole.

What’s the difference between a fish and a mountain goat?
One mucks around in a fountain the other fucks around on a mountain

Thats like "what is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? A rooster clucks defiance and a lawyer....."

Utini · 14/07/2024 19:24

What's green and fuzzy, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table!

HappiestSleeping · 14/07/2024 20:06

Utini · 14/07/2024 19:24

What's green and fuzzy, has four legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A pool table!

How do you make a snooker table laugh?

Put your hand in its pocket and tickle its balls.

SeeSeeRider · 14/07/2024 22:56

SeeSeeRider · 14/07/2024 13:07

My auntie bought a tin of baked beans and there were some ball bearings in it. She bent over and shot the cat.

I heard that on a BBC Sounds programme, a Ken Dodd radio comedy show from 1965. Also had John Laurie (hubby is a big Dad's Army fan [yawn!]) A bit surprised that they allowed it in those days? But then they allowed Round the Horne & Beyond Our Ken (our house is seriously retro - my 16 yo DS and 14 yo DD love Kenneth Williams and Hugh Paddick!)

GrandTheftWalrus · 14/07/2024 23:16

What's yellow and smells like paint?

Yellow paint

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/07/2024 10:10

What’s round and angry?
A vicious circle.

HectorPlasm · 15/07/2024 10:34

Why did the helicopter crash?

The pilot was cold so he turned the fan off