Share your favourite crap joke

[NiceCutRoundDomeDormice]

Just for fun…

A man is talking over the fence with his very forgetful neighbour. He mentions that it’s his wedding anniversary soon and he’s trying to find somewhere nice to take his wife.

Mr Forgetful says, “Oh, we went somewhere really nice for our anniversary… but I can’t remember the name of the place”. The neighbour, well used to the forgetfulness, says it doesn’t matter, but Mr Forgetful is determined to remember and tries to jog his memory. He says, “What are those places called… the religious buildings?”

Neighbour: “A church?”

”No, not a church… religious people live in them…”

Neighbour says, “You mean nuns? A convent”.

Mr Forgetful gets excited and says, “Yes, yes, like that! But the man’s version; what do they call that?”

“A monastery?”

“Like that, but shorter… what’s a shorter word for it?”

Neighbour guesses, “An abbey?”

Mr Forgetful snaps his fingers and says, “THAT’S it, thank you, I knew I’d get it in the end!” So he turns and shouts to his wife, “Abi! What was the name of that restaurant we ate in on our anniversary?”

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

Also, my username is the punchline to one of my favourite jokes.

Why do communists only drink fruit tea?

Because all proper tea is theft.

What do you call a man wearing paper trousers?
Russell!

I love these 😁 Here’s another favourite:

A woman phones her boyfriend from work and says, “I need a favour. My three aunties are coming to stay and I’m supposed to collect them from the station, but I’ve got to work late. Can you collect them for me?”

He replies, “Sure, no problem - but how will I know what they look like?” There’s an awkward silence before she says, “This is a bit embarrassing, but they’ve all got really huge boobs. Just look for three old women with very big boobs. Their names are Joan, Fanny and Betty”.

So the boyfriend goes to the station, but can’t see the aunties, even long after the train has arrived. However, he suddenly spots two old women with big boobs, and thinks it can’t hurt to ask. He approaches them and asks if they’re Sarah’s aunties.

One replies, “That’s right, love. I’m Joan, and this is Betty. Fanny can’t get here until the morning now”. They make introductions and begin walking to the car.

Joan says, “So how did you recognise us?” They boyfriend is very embarrassed, but eventually says, “Well, I don’t really like to say… but Sarah said you all had huge boobs”. Betty burst out laughing and says, “Ha! This is nothing! Wait until tomorrow when you see the size of our Fanny’s!”

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common? "
"It's not unusual."

I went to the zoo. There was only one animal. It was a dog. It was a shih’tzu.

I bought a dog off a blacksmith yesterday.

But would you believe it, as soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door!

I don't get the boob story - how is that funny, and therefore funny enough to mitigate the fact that women may have large breasts, and that men are likely to sexualize that and therefore exacerbate the harmful prejudice and discrimination that routinely hurts and disadvantages women in our society?

A woman goes to her local butcher and asks "Excuse me, have you got a sheep's head?"

"No madam" says the butcher "It's just the way I part my hair."

How do you titilate an ocelot?

You oscillate it's tits a lot.

This is a two-parter that you customise to suit the person you're telling it to.
So eg telling a friend:

Me: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Friend: I don't know, why did etc
Me: To visit the beautiful lady
then
Me: Knock knock!
Friend: Who's there?
Me: The chicken!

How do you titilate an ocelot?

You oscillate it's tits a lot.

Too late to edit but just noticed the superfluous apostrophe

Jokes about sugar are rare.
.
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.
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Jokes about BROWN sugar? Demerara

A man walked into a bar..
...
...
...
and said 'ouch'!

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the bartender.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that" says the bartender as he pours the duck a pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing around this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted bartender cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the bartender says to him:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the bartender says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the bartender.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the bartender.

"The circus?" the duck asks again. "With the big TENT?"

"Yeah!" the bartender replies.

"With all the animals who live in CAGES, and performers who live in CARAVANS?" says the duck.

"Of course," the bartender replies.

"And the tent has CANVAS sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the bartender.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says: "What would they want with a plasterer???"

Best joke on the thread yet!

What wobbles and flies?
A jelly copter

I quit my job at the helium bottling plant because I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Knock Knock
Who’s there.
Boo.
Boo who.
Don’t cry it’s only me.

Knock knock
Who’s there.
Cows go.
Cows go who.
No they don’t cows go moo.

What’s a horse favorite TV programme.?
Neighbours.

There are two fish in a tank. The first fish turns to the second fish and says, "How do you drive this thing anyway?"

Two goldfish in a bowl watching football.
One says to the other: "What's a corner?"

HA HA HA!

I've just spent 20 minutes chasing a crane fly that kept buzzing a round me, then I realized it's a crack in my glasses!

misogynyisbigotry

WHAT?!

Need to get a new boiler.Which one do you recommend.Thanks.