Share your favourite crap joke

[NiceCutRoundDomeDormice]

Just for fun…

A man is talking over the fence with his very forgetful neighbour. He mentions that it’s his wedding anniversary soon and he’s trying to find somewhere nice to take his wife.

Mr Forgetful says, “Oh, we went somewhere really nice for our anniversary… but I can’t remember the name of the place”. The neighbour, well used to the forgetfulness, says it doesn’t matter, but Mr Forgetful is determined to remember and tries to jog his memory. He says, “What are those places called… the religious buildings?”

Neighbour: “A church?”

”No, not a church… religious people live in them…”

Neighbour says, “You mean nuns? A convent”.

Mr Forgetful gets excited and says, “Yes, yes, like that! But the man’s version; what do they call that?”

“A monastery?”

“Like that, but shorter… what’s a shorter word for it?”

Neighbour guesses, “An abbey?”

Mr Forgetful snaps his fingers and says, “THAT’S it, thank you, I knew I’d get it in the end!” So he turns and shouts to his wife, “Abi! What was the name of that restaurant we ate in on our anniversary?”

What do you call a man with a spade in his head? Doug.
What do you call a man without a spade in his head? Douglas.
What do you call a man with seagulls on his head? Cliff.

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV...
He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"
The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.
"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says. Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."
Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.
Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.
"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."
"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."
"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."
Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.
One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"
The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.
Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.
Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death.
So the horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "why the long face?"

Ten Scottish cows are standing in a field.Which one is in the Middle East ?
Coo eight (Kuwait)

I once went to an interview at a blacksmiths
Blacksmith : "do you have much experience shoeing horses?"
I said "no but I once told a donkey to fuck off"

What did the policeman say to his stomach?

Stay where you are....you're under a vest.

Why are crocodiles long and green?

Because if they were small and round they'd be tomatoes

Why did the Norwegians put barcodes on the side of their military boats?

So they could scan the navy in

I have a terrible fear of lifts.

I take steps to avoid them.

Apologies, its a long one.
Janice who has a glass eyes is due to go out clubbing for the first time in years. In her excitement she falls down the stairs and her glass eyes falls out and shatters. She calls her mate who is a chippy and asks her to quickly fashion a temporary replacement out of wood. That night she goes to the nightclub with her make do eye. After sitting in a corner all on her own for hours she spots a guy with an artificial leg made of willow. She feels that they have a natural connection, so asks him if he would like to dance. He replies " Cor, wouldn't I" , to which she replies, "Well , if you are going to be like that you can fu*k off peg leg."

I’ve just spent 20 mins grilling a chicken…

…And he still won’t tell me why he crossed the road.

These are great!
One of my faves is: a priest, an imaan and a rabbi walked into a bar. The rabbit said, "I think I might be a typo."

I mustache you a question....
But I'll shave it for later

😏

How do you make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles

I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright noooooowwwwwwww!

What's pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff

What's blue and fluffy?

Blue fluff holding it's breath.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house.

Knock, knock

Who's there.....?

Knock knock
Who's there?
Wooden shoe
Wooden shoe who?
Wooden shoe like to know

Where are bad rainbows sent?

to prism, it’s a light sentence but it gives them time to reflect

Knock knock,
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
No YOU'RE a poo!

What do you do when you see a spaceman?

Park in it, man

What’s big, red, and eats rocks?

A big, red, rock-eater!

……..

Why do birds fly south?

Because it’s too far to walk!

…

(jokes I got from a childhood Dr Seuss joke book, fifty years ago!)

This is not a shit joke as far as I'm concerned 😁

What's brown and sticky?
A stick

Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them"...
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise"...? "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"...
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch"...
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else"... Colin says.. "President Obama"... His boss quickly retorts. "Yes"... Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington"... And off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Colin and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"...
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope"... His boss replies.
"Sure"... Says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time"... So off they fly to Rome...
Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope"... And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened"...?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck’s that on the balcony with Colin"...?

This is terrible and a little bit rude but here it is-
Mr and Mrs Whale are swimming together in the ocean and Mr Whale sees the whaling ship that killed his father many years ago so he says to Mrs Whale 'let's go under the boat and blow our blowholes so we capsize the boat' so they do that and it does capsize but two of the sailors get out and start swimming away. Mr Whale says 'lets go to them and gobble them up before they get away' and Mrs Whale says 'I agreed to the blow job but I'm not swallowing the seamen'

What do you call a motionless deer with no eyes?

Still no idea.