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Share your favourite crap joke

126 replies

NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 12/07/2024 13:52

Just for fun…

A man is talking over the fence with his very forgetful neighbour. He mentions that it’s his wedding anniversary soon and he’s trying to find somewhere nice to take his wife.

Mr Forgetful says, “Oh, we went somewhere really nice for our anniversary… but I can’t remember the name of the place”. The neighbour, well used to the forgetfulness, says it doesn’t matter, but Mr Forgetful is determined to remember and tries to jog his memory. He says, “What are those places called… the religious buildings?”

Neighbour: “A church?”

”No, not a church… religious people live in them…”

Neighbour says, “You mean nuns? A convent”.

Mr Forgetful gets excited and says, “Yes, yes, like that! But the man’s version; what do they call that?”

“A monastery?”

“Like that, but shorter… what’s a shorter word for it?”

Neighbour guesses, “An abbey?”

Mr Forgetful snaps his fingers and says, “THAT’S it, thank you, I knew I’d get it in the end!” So he turns and shouts to his wife, “Abi! What was the name of that restaurant we ate in on our anniversary?”

OP posts:
SkipsAndQuavers · 12/07/2024 13:53

What looks like blu tac and feels like blu tac but isn't blue tac?

Smurf Shit.

BananaLambo · 12/07/2024 13:54

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

MoonWoman69 · 12/07/2024 14:01

Two cows in a field. One says "moo". The other one says " Aww, I was going to say that"!

Julyshouldbesunny · 12/07/2024 14:03

Knock knock
Who's there.
Nanna
Nanna who?
Nanna ya business..

FrenchandSaunders · 12/07/2024 14:03

What do you call a judge with no thumbs ........ Justice Fingers

MoonWoman69 · 12/07/2024 14:10

I have got another, slightly risque one... Ah hell, I'll tell you anyway!

Two women were talking about sex. Betty says to June, "Does your vagina get bigger the older you get?"
June says "I don't know, have you had a look?"
Betty says "How the hell am I supposed to see up there?"
"Stand over a mirror" says June.
Later on, Betty is straddled over the mirror in the living room, having a look. Her husband walks past the door, glances in and immediately runs over, pushes her out of the way and throws her over the sofa.
Betty gets up, rubbing her elbow. "What the hell did you do that for? You could have broken my bloody arm?!"
Husband replies "If you'd fallen down that hole, you'd have broken your bloody neck!!!"

I'll get me coat... 🤣

Fontainebleau007 · 12/07/2024 14:21

Knock knock
Who's there
Europe
Europe who
No I'm not

MudandParsnips · 12/07/2024 14:25

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom

NiceCutRoundDomeDormice · 12/07/2024 14:59

MoonWoman69 · 12/07/2024 14:10

I have got another, slightly risque one... Ah hell, I'll tell you anyway!

Two women were talking about sex. Betty says to June, "Does your vagina get bigger the older you get?"
June says "I don't know, have you had a look?"
Betty says "How the hell am I supposed to see up there?"
"Stand over a mirror" says June.
Later on, Betty is straddled over the mirror in the living room, having a look. Her husband walks past the door, glances in and immediately runs over, pushes her out of the way and throws her over the sofa.
Betty gets up, rubbing her elbow. "What the hell did you do that for? You could have broken my bloody arm?!"
Husband replies "If you'd fallen down that hole, you'd have broken your bloody neck!!!"

I'll get me coat... 🤣

I cackled like a loon at this 😆 Already a favourite!

OP posts:
Devilsmommy · 12/07/2024 15:11

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?

He didn't have the guts to do it

Cantalever · 12/07/2024 15:11

Pretentious! Moi?

DrRiverSong · 12/07/2024 15:12

What’s E.T. short for?

because he’s only got little legs.

WinterKate · 12/07/2024 15:14

What's round and laughs a lot? A tickled onion.

MimitteAndElsaGoToSwitzerland · 12/07/2024 15:14

What do you call a dog in a police hat?

PC Doghat

DadJoke · 12/07/2024 15:21

With my username, how can I resist?

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roché

A huge stack of toilet rolls fell on me in the supermarket. I'm ok, just a bit of soft tissue damage.

I made a speech at a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust

Please help me!
I'm playing Scrabble with Midge Ure and I've only got 4 letters left, O V N R.
They mean nothing to me...

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.

muddyford · 12/07/2024 15:32

Two tramps walking along a road. One sniffs and asks the other, " Have you crapped yourself? "
All hurt, the other says "No, I haven't!"

They walk a bit further and tramp one asks again, "Have you crapped yourself? You smell terrible."
"No, no, if course I haven't. "

A bit further along, tramp one says " You must've crapped youself. Come on take your trousers down. " A brief hiatus. "You HAVE crapped yourself ".

" I thought you meant today. "

VerityUnreasonble · 12/07/2024 16:49

Why did the blind man fall down the well?

Because he couldn't see that well.

BeckyWithTheGoodBear · 12/07/2024 16:53

What did the zero say to the eight?

Nice belt

SingingSands · 12/07/2024 16:56

What's brown and sticky?
...
...
A stick!

BakedBeansforabrain · 12/07/2024 16:58

I once stayed
.
.
a night in the YMCA.
.
.
It was OK but I wouldn't make a song and dance about it.

BakedBeansforabrain · 12/07/2024 16:59

I've just had a man knock on my door
.
.
asking me to sign the Organ Donor Register.
.
.
I thought, now that's a man after my own heart

SeatonCarew · 12/07/2024 17:06

What did the first snowman say to the second snowman?

"Can you smell carrots?"

Headphonehair · 12/07/2024 17:08

What do you call a deer with no eyes

no idea

Villagetoraiseachild · 12/07/2024 17:13

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Philippe Philop.

aintnospringchicken · 12/07/2024 17:16

What do you call a woman with a coat on her head?

Peg