Is going from 1-2 really that awful? Did anyone actually find it easy?

[mamacitas7]

I’m around 6 weeks pregnant with my 2nd which was unplanned. I’d been on the fence for ages about a 2nd as I really haven’t had any desire to have another. I’m so content at the moment and I have everything I could ever want and more in my lovely DS and DP, we have a lovely life together. Personally I’ve never found motherhood difficult, despite DP working away and only being home at weekends. DS has slept through the night from being 6 weeks old and never went through any regressions and never been an early riser, always been easy going and in a good routine and easily adapts to anything. He will be 3 in a few months and I couldn’t be enjoying life with him anymore, it’s a breeze and I feel so lucky. He took to potty training incredibly well earlier in the year, pretty much potty trained himself in a few days and never has any regressions or issues. He is hilarious and you can have full blown conversations with him which is amazing. Life is super simple and easy. We can afford to take him on 2/3 holidays a year and can afford nice days out without having to really think about it. Having another would very much impact this.

I’m about 70% learning towards a termination as all I don’t want to turn our lives upside down when I’m so content and all I ever hear is horror stories about having another and how hard the fist few years are. I’m enjoying DS so much and feel like these are the best years of our lives, I don’t want that to be ruined for the next few years by the difficulty of another child and for the time to pass by without me actually realising. The guilt is so intense and all I’ve done is cry myself to sleep every night. I don’t feel like there is a right answer, I know I will likely regret a termination when DS is a bit older as I do like the thought of 2 older children. They say you never get 2 the same and knowing my luck I’d end up with a very difficult 2nd child. If I could be guaranteed another like DS there would be no hesitation. We both have small families, DS has no cousins and won’t ever. I worry about the loneliness when he is a bit older. There would be a 3.5 year age gap.

Has anyone also really enjoyed motherhood with their first child, felt the same as me and also really enjoyed a 2nd child? How did you find it, is it as hard as people say? Are all the horror stories true? If you had a termination in a similar situation do you regret it?

Sorry if I'm being dense but how is a pregnancy unplanned?

To answer your question, I had 3 and a half years between mine and it was a perfect age gap. My older one could help with the baby and when she went to playgroup every morning I had plenty of time with the baby on his own.

I didn't feel the same as you before my second child - I knew that I either wanted none or 2. Don't ask me why - it's too long winded 😂

But a couple of bits of info.

I had a close friend in the same situation as you but with her third. She was very very happy with 2 and didn't want no. 3. Had a termination and it emotionally wrecked her, even though she felt ok with the decision at the time. Marriage breakdown, the works. She has never been able to forgive herself, however I do think that was partly due to the termination process and what happened for her - she was further along than you are.

Secondly, I have 2, with a 2 year 4 months gap. The first year I felt a LOT of mum guilt at not being able to be 1:1 with my older child and our relationship changed. However, fast forward to now where youngest is now 21 months and they are the best of friends. They play together, have fun bedtimes, miss each other when they aren't around etc.

Now I would not do anything differently. It's lovely and the second felt like it completed our family.

I think I'm basically saying there are pros and cons, of course. It's something that is a massive decision and either way it will change your life. Make sure you are 100% happy with your decision and that you and your DP are completely on the same page. Try to picture your life with 1 and with 2. Not now - the first year or two are a baby blur, but a few years down the line. When your first child goes to school etc, will you be sad not to have a little one around?

I don't envy your decision OP, but with you the best of luck in your choice x

I didn’t find it anywhere near as hard as my first. Having your first is like dropping a bomb on your life. By the time we had our 2nd, we knew what we were doing, felt confident as parents, knew what to expect in the early days (and that it wouldn’t last forever!), knew what we’d do differently to make things easier, etc. Really having a 2nd wasn’t really a big deal.

What it does mean though is that you have two children now and there’s only one of you, so if you have a partner, that partner needs to be engaged and carrying half the load. There’s no going to the gym or out with friends while you struggle at home getting two bathed and to bed most nights. We basically each took one when we were both home and it was fine.

My first sounds similar to yours, OP except that he's always been a terrible sleeper. But he's bright and funny and creative, easygoing, affectionate, has honestly never thrown a proper tantrum (in the sense of screaming and flailing about). Just such a lovely child to be around and to parent.
He was just shy of 3 when DD was born, and I was so stressed about how he would cope. I had similar worries about turning his happy world upside down.
Going from 1 to 2 was hard because it required a new level of organisation and time management from me, neither of which are my strong suits. And it took a while for DS to accept that he needed to be quiet while I was putting DD to sleep. (In the end he responded well to the job of DJ - choosing lullabys from a playlist on spotify -once the novelty of that wore off he started taking himself off to play lego when she's going to sleep.) There was a lot of guilt around times when they both wanted attention and I could only attend to one.
DD is also a different temperament - gets frustrated easily, louder, physically like a little whirlwind. She requires much more help to emotionally regulate. But she has empathy in spades, is so loyal to her big brother, and could charm a heart of stone.
They are 4.5 and 1.5 now and as thick as thieves. The occasional squabble aside, they are each each other's favourite person by a long shot. Without a doubt, the best thing in my life at the moment is watching them play together and seeing how much they love one another. Even when they're scheming how to get around a rule or boundary together it warms my heart 😆 There is just nothing like the love and joy that I feel when I see them snuggled up on the sofa together, or hear him helping her with something, or see their faces light up when they see each other at nursery pickup time. It's the best 💜

My second was lovely (as was my first), why do you feel so negatively about it? Are you and dh only children?

It’s not that bad (2.5 yr age gap). Obviously there are difficult times but now the youngest is 8 months old he’s interacting with his older brother and I can see how much they both enjoy it. I can’t wait to see them playing together and it’s definitely worth the stress. To be honest though, while I am pro choice (and have had an abortion in the past when I was much younger), things would have to be pretty apocalyptic for me to have an abortion now.

My first was a very easy baby, the second slightly harder but that was compensated by me being better at it. They both sleep well and DC2 just slotted into our routine.

They are now 10 and 12 and I have it easier than my one and done friends. Going on holiday, for example, they have each other.

As they get older and have their own relationships, it's a joy and I don't doubt brings more to DC1s life than takes from it. They are currently playing swingball in the garden together, for example.

Honestly what an unhelpful and unkind thing to say. Yes you are being dense, or are pretending to be. There are thousands of unplanned pregnancies across the world every year! Yes everyone knows that sex can lead to a baby but contraception failures happen.

anyway OP. I had one daughter until she was 4, absolutely loved our one to one time together exactly as you describe. I was unsure about having another with such a big age gap as I felt I’d got to a place where she was more independent and couldn’t face going back to the baby/toddler stage. However I have another one now she is 5 and I am so pleased. She adores him. Going from 1-2 is much easier than 0-1 in my opinion.

Yes I found 1-2 really easy! Loved it.
2-3 on the other hand... 😆

I have two with a two year age gap.
The learning curve with the first is so steep and with the second you are already there.
It's tiring because you have a toddler as well as a baby and your partner may need to do more with the toddler.
Once the baby was about 12/18 months it was bliss as they just played together.
Family life as a foursome so much better than three.
Mine are grown up now.

I think there’s pros and cons to having 1 or 2 and so hard to know what your experience will be like, I don’t really know anyone who regrets having their 2nd though. I’ve personally found it to be very positive and the children get a lot from playing and supporting each other (not that there aren’t times when they squabble). Would say the children get alot more from each other than extra holidays etc.
Yes it is inevitably more full on but fortunate enough to be able to mitigate that by e.g working part time and making my life easier in other ways to make up for the extra work of having more children. I suppose if you go for a termination then you’ll never know and neither does guarantee life will continue to be perfect. BTW with each of mine, even though planned, I felt so rotten with sickness, fatigue, hormones in the first few weeks I would totally go off the idea of actually having another baby and just had to put the reality out my head till felt better else wouldn’t have been able to mentally cope with the idea. Was always fine once feeling better after first few months

I could say the same.

A lot depends on whether no. 2 turns out as easy as no.1 has been.You just can’t predict. My no.1 was very easy and slept through the night early. No. 2 was much more demanding and didn’t sleep through until she was four… I also felt guilty for a while at not being able to give no.1 the one-to-one time we had previously enjoyed.

BUT I don’t regret for a moment having no.2. The two children have a lovely relationship - the usual sibling squabbles but that is healthy and is part of learning to live with other people. As a primary teacher I often felt it showed when children were "onlies".

In years to come your son may be grateful that he doesn’t have to deal with the problem of ageing parents on his own!

Going from one to two was way, way easier than going from zero to one.

1-2 varies for each person and family. I found 0-1 more difficult personally and I wasn’t really that keen on a second baby - I wanted a second child.

only you really know the answer for a termination.

a 3.5 year gap is probably quite nice though and you’re quite close to school age so you’ll get quite a lot of alone time with your baby. It’s the end of a chapter when your second arrives, the whole story and there’s plenty of love and attention to go around

I’ve found it easy both times, there’s almost exactly 4 years between mine. It’s a great age gap, I have several friends with the same. DD started reception when DS was 6 months which worked incredibly well. I spent a lot of my second pregnancy stressing about having ruined DD’s life because things were so easy and lovely but she dotes on him and they have the most beautiful bond. She wasn’t missing anything before we had him but she’s much happier that we do.

I didn't find it that much harder, it's just different. No 1 is hard in the early days because you don't know what you are really doing with feeding, naps, nappies, carseats, prams etc plus sleep deprivation. For number 2 you already know all that stuff because you've done it before, but it is more complicated doing it with a toddler on hand. But very quickly two becomes your new normal and you forget what it was like only having one. Mine are 2 years apart and it was great having a second maternity leave before he started school, by the sounds of it you might manage the same, I loved it. Mine are grown up now and I have never for a moment regretted having two.

My second has been a total joy and seeing the bond between my kids has been amazing.

However, it is incredibly unlikely your second will sleep through the night at 6 weeks, never wake up early and potty train themselves. I think you need to prepare yourself for a more typical early years experience there.

I would also add that the stage where the kids were 3&1 was incredibly challenging and I have seen a lot of other people saying the same. Basically the stage where both children are mobile but neither has any real sense of danger.

And you will definitely get less time to yourself. But the time with the kids around is a lot less intense - they do entertain each other.

I have had 4 easy children they are not always different. 2nd pregnancy was twins born when DD1 was 3.

I found 1to 2 way easier than 0 to 1. My first wasn’t easy like yours though. I always wanted 2 despite how hard it was first time. It’s much easier having them to keep each other company. Parents of older only children seem to have less free time than I do. I just let them get in with it on holiday for example. Also seeing their relationship with each other has been a joy.

I was the opposite, 2-3 was a breeze but 1-2 was HARD. Recommend not having a poorly baby in a pandemic tbh. Lovely now though, highly recommend.

I certainly wouldn’t terminate a pregnancy because it might not be as easy as my first. I mean - have a termination if you don’t want two, but only wanting a ‘perfect’ child is a tad uncomfortable.

i found the lack of sleep the hardest thing but my second slept way more than my first so I didn’t find 1-2 as hard as 0-1.

I think as they get older it’s easier having 2 children- they entertain eachother, eat dinners together, holidays are so much nicer because they build memories together.

Has anyone also really enjoyed motherhood with their first child, felt the same as me and also really enjoyed a 2nd child? How did you find it, is it as hard as people say?
Yes. Thoroughly enjoyed first child which is why I wanted another.
Really enjoyed the second child. Equally.
The second time round was easier ime as I knew what I was doing.

Are you often this nasty?