Is going from 1-2 really that awful? Did anyone actually find it easy?

[mamacitas7]

I’m around 6 weeks pregnant with my 2nd which was unplanned. I’d been on the fence for ages about a 2nd as I really haven’t had any desire to have another. I’m so content at the moment and I have everything I could ever want and more in my lovely DS and DP, we have a lovely life together. Personally I’ve never found motherhood difficult, despite DP working away and only being home at weekends. DS has slept through the night from being 6 weeks old and never went through any regressions and never been an early riser, always been easy going and in a good routine and easily adapts to anything. He will be 3 in a few months and I couldn’t be enjoying life with him anymore, it’s a breeze and I feel so lucky. He took to potty training incredibly well earlier in the year, pretty much potty trained himself in a few days and never has any regressions or issues. He is hilarious and you can have full blown conversations with him which is amazing. Life is super simple and easy. We can afford to take him on 2/3 holidays a year and can afford nice days out without having to really think about it. Having another would very much impact this.

I’m about 70% learning towards a termination as all I don’t want to turn our lives upside down when I’m so content and all I ever hear is horror stories about having another and how hard the fist few years are. I’m enjoying DS so much and feel like these are the best years of our lives, I don’t want that to be ruined for the next few years by the difficulty of another child and for the time to pass by without me actually realising. The guilt is so intense and all I’ve done is cry myself to sleep every night. I don’t feel like there is a right answer, I know I will likely regret a termination when DS is a bit older as I do like the thought of 2 older children. They say you never get 2 the same and knowing my luck I’d end up with a very difficult 2nd child. If I could be guaranteed another like DS there would be no hesitation. We both have small families, DS has no cousins and won’t ever. I worry about the loneliness when he is a bit older. There would be a 3.5 year age gap.

Has anyone also really enjoyed motherhood with their first child, felt the same as me and also really enjoyed a 2nd child? How did you find it, is it as hard as people say? Are all the horror stories true? If you had a termination in a similar situation do you regret it?

0-1 hit me like a sledgehammer. Unsettled/ reflux baby and possibly unrealistic expectations on my part plus bad birth experience/PND. 1-2 prepared myself
for worst and was pleasantly surprised. DC 2 felt like a dream baby compared to first or perhaps I knew what I was doing? And lockdown hit when he was 5 weeks old so this was all during covid too. And then nursery closed down so Dc1 then ages 3yrs 6 months was at home with me too all day every day and it was (mostly) fine I think, apart from the covid thing.

Purely in terms of transitions, I found 1-2 easier than 0-1. 0-1 blew my world apart. But DC1 was a colicky, none sleeping, bad feeder who turned into a highly strung, emotional, intense child. I adore him but, quite frankly, he’s the sort of child people prey they don’t get. What happens if your second child is more like my DS1 instead of your DS1? My DS2 is my easy one, although still not to the extent of your DS1.

2 DC is much harder work than 1 DC though no matter what their temperaments, certainly in their early years. We’ve just got through the first year with 2 (just over 3 year age gap) and it has been relentless. I am exhausted. It was so much easier to carve out breaks with only one child. DH and I seem to be permanently ‘on’ these days, there is no down time. There is absolutely no way we will have anymore.

But it might be better for you. My DS1 is such a tricky child it was never going to be easy adding a completely dependent baby into the mix. Your DS1 might sail through the transition and might actually make things easier for you, who knows.

If I was you I probably would terminate. I have a very low tolerance to risk and it just seems like so much to risk. We had less to risk quite frankly in deciding whether to have a second or not. Whatever you decide, good luck.

I had a similar age gap as you would have OP and I found it quite easy - but DH was at home for the first six months (and DD1 was in nursery part-time), then DD1 started school. So I was lucky to have a lot of 1:1 time with both DD1 and DD2 while they were babies, which is how I parent best. I've never been one to enjoy letting the dc play and just getting on with stuff on my own - I really love taking them out, playing and chatting with them, and that's certainly hard to so when you are with 2 young dc on your own. I have friends with dc with small age gaps who never take their dc to playgrounds, soft play or swimming because it's too challenging trying to supervise 2 dc in those situations, and I wouldn't have wanted my eldest to miss out on activities like that. I wouldn't have had DD2 without a very involved DH (we often take one child each) and an age gap which meant I could have lots of 1:1 bonding time with her.

Both of mine have been pretty easy babies, so it can definitely happen with dc2 even if you've had an easy dc1! Both have been quite easy going with few tantrums as toddlers, great eaters and fun to be around. Sleep has been fairly average with both but I cope well on small amounts of sleep.

Much much easier than going from 0 to 1. I knew what to do and the baby was like a nice handbag. The baby was also less easy than No 1.

@mamacitas7 So far my second child is just like my first in terms of sleep. He reached sleeping through reliably by twelve weeks, starting around eight. My daughter has started sleeping through at six weeks (is now eight weeks) so will hopefully achieve the same feat by the time she's three months old. Lightning can strike twice.

I found going from 1 to 2 far easier than going from 0 to 1. Dc2 was a harder baby, I basically wore her for the first 18 months because she wailed like a banshee whenever I put her down but she just fitted in perfectly.

There is 3 years between them and they've had a great time amusing each other today (6 & 9 and off school cos we're in Scotland).

Sorry if I'm being dense but I assume you're an adult human living in the world? And you've never heard of an unplanned pregnancy?

Like many PP, I found 0-1 extremely difficult and 1-2 a complete breeze by comparison. My second has been an easier baby, but also I absolutely love seeing them together and it makes it all worthwhile.

I have two siblings and got on with both of them growing up - and still do in adulthood. I have also seen my DH and his siblings support each other through family tragedy - having each other meant the world to them.

Instead of thinking about the early years, have you thought about 10, 20, 30+ years time? Do you picture there only being three of you round the Sunday or Christmas dinner table, or do you see four?

See this another huge reason on my con list, my DS missing out. I work 4 days a week but my day off with him is the best day of the week and we always have a fun packed day just the 2 of us, the thought of not being able to do that anymore makes me so sad. DP does more than his fair share when he is home, him and DS have a wonderful relationship and it's never affected their bond. I never feel burnt out or overwhelmed but his job just requires him to be away, it's never been an issue and I actually really enjoy my alone time during the week when DS is in bed. I do have very supportive parents who look after DS twice a week and they totally dote on each other, I know they'd support me with another but I just keep jumping from one decision to another.

I don't think I've any tears left to cry I just feel a bit bloody broken.

Yep me too

2nd is even MORE of a delight and "easier"than my oldest. 🥰🥰🥰

My oldest is just lovely with the baby super caring and helpful....When i see them interact together and have tender moments my heart just SINGS there honestly isn't a feeling like it. I just want to burst with joy pride happiness and contentment.

I was terrified about having 2 under 2 but have absolutely zero regrets.

Why are you so worried about disabilities?
I adore my two, I can’t imagine just having one. We all have so much fun together on days out. Why would you not be able to do this anymore?
You have good parent support - you can absolutely still give your DS plenty of time together the two of you when the baby arrives.
As soon as you hold your baby, all these fears will be gone and you’ll be overcome with love.
Seeing your son hold his sibling will bring you so much joy and even more so when they play together. Yes there is no guarantee that they get on in later years, but you’ll be adding so much to their life in the meantime. Just go for it.

Do you have a disabled DC?

You're saying you couldn't possibly be lucky twice with another easy baby, but you absolutely could. Most of the people I know who had an easy first child also had an easy second child. My kids are incredibly similar to each other- I remember everyone telling me my second would be different to the first but it's been like having the same baby twice. They have the same parents, after all. You're catastrophising a lot- if you've found motherhood a breeze so far then presumably even if the second was more difficult you could handle it!

My personal experience is that no single day of being a mum of 2 has been as taxing as being heavily pregnant and in charge of a high octane, whirlwind, 2 year old. I was so ungainly and he was so fast 😂 also he just wanted to be carried and cuddled and I was a planet with PGP so everything felt difficult. Once the baby was here everything just got better and better. Would say 0-1 was far more of a culture shock than 1-2.

In the grand scheme of things, just remember that the first few years are negligible. The tough baby years are a very short time within the rest of your and your children's lives. Have a think about in 5/10/15/20 years etc - picture how things would be with one or with two.

For me, I am not a "baby" person. I don't really warm to babies and don't really enjoy being around them. But young children / toddlers and then personal experience of being an adult sibling of 3, I just love.

Not sure if I've explained myself properly - I'm half asleep and half sickly tonight, but hope you get my jist! I can't imagine life with one now, I love our family meals etc all chatting together and sharing stories about our days.

No.

How on Earth can going from 1-2 be easy?

@CatMumSlave I definitely found going 1-2 easy compared to 0-1

I had this worry too, but I wish I could go back and tell myself not to stress. Does my DS have less time with me than if DD wasn't here? Yes. Are they 'missing out' because of that? I'd say no. The bond they have is something truly special and I cherish it so much. They're only 5&3 so maybe we just haven't hit the hard yards yet with squabbles etc but so far they're just overwhelming lovely together. I try to have regular individual days with each of them so they're still having 121 mum time and I'd say 99% of the time they're asking why the other one isnt coming, wishing they were there etc.

Also by having a sibling their skills in things like negotiating, sharing, making allowances etc are already seriously honed. They have different influences and experiences because each one has different toys and different likes and dislikes which they bring to the table. I love that when we have playdates there's this accepted inclusivity of the sibling (which I expect won't last forever but right now it's lush) so the little one has older playmates and the older ones are great with the smalls most of the time.

I'm probably making it sound a bit too perfect. There a moments which are hard, but overall I'm glad I did it. And I wasn't going to have any kids at all before my unplanned pregnancy 😂 wasn't on my radar in the slightest!!!

Yeah this is a great message. Being a family is a long road, not just the baby and toddler years <3

It's not awful but not easy either. I love having two children, love that my son has a sibling and a friend ( party). Seeing them grow together is so special. But another baby, toddler, child is hard. Not doing me the work but kids aren't easy. For me, the extra work, cost is worth it with the extra love and growth of our family.

Both of mine were awful babies who screamed about 12 hours a day and didn't sleep until 3+. There was only about 18 months between them, and this was unplanned (loved the comment up thread about not possibly understanding how this happens...). I grew up with older siblings who I have pretty much no relationship with as we're very different.

Mine are now primary age and best friends. Once I got through the first 3ish years (I know) it was great. They look out for each other and have spurred each others' independence on in terms of competing to help us with tasks. I've really focused on trying to make them as close as possible when they're young as I often feel I missed out on sibling relationships. I will say the closeness was probably helped by lockdown years, but I've always referred to us as a close unit and never felt like it was me and my eldest versus my youngest.

To answer your actual question, 0-1 was really difficult for me as it was such a huge lifestyle adjustment. As both of mine were hard work, a second awful baby being thrown in didn't really make it much worse!

Disabilities/severe learning delays is a huge reason I'm gearing towards termination,

You've got absolutely no medical basis presumably to think this might be the case with the baby other than trying to justify why you want to terminate.

@CatMumSlave Because you already know what you're doing. 0-1 was brutal for my husband and I (plus other factors like it being lockdown and winter). 1-2 was easy in comparison. Daughter just slotted into our already child friendly life.

But that's not what she's asked.

@TheBirdintheCave

Obviously having no children is easier than having 1.