Is going from 1-2 really that awful? Did anyone actually find it easy?

[mamacitas7]

I’m around 6 weeks pregnant with my 2nd which was unplanned. I’d been on the fence for ages about a 2nd as I really haven’t had any desire to have another. I’m so content at the moment and I have everything I could ever want and more in my lovely DS and DP, we have a lovely life together. Personally I’ve never found motherhood difficult, despite DP working away and only being home at weekends. DS has slept through the night from being 6 weeks old and never went through any regressions and never been an early riser, always been easy going and in a good routine and easily adapts to anything. He will be 3 in a few months and I couldn’t be enjoying life with him anymore, it’s a breeze and I feel so lucky. He took to potty training incredibly well earlier in the year, pretty much potty trained himself in a few days and never has any regressions or issues. He is hilarious and you can have full blown conversations with him which is amazing. Life is super simple and easy. We can afford to take him on 2/3 holidays a year and can afford nice days out without having to really think about it. Having another would very much impact this.

I’m about 70% learning towards a termination as all I don’t want to turn our lives upside down when I’m so content and all I ever hear is horror stories about having another and how hard the fist few years are. I’m enjoying DS so much and feel like these are the best years of our lives, I don’t want that to be ruined for the next few years by the difficulty of another child and for the time to pass by without me actually realising. The guilt is so intense and all I’ve done is cry myself to sleep every night. I don’t feel like there is a right answer, I know I will likely regret a termination when DS is a bit older as I do like the thought of 2 older children. They say you never get 2 the same and knowing my luck I’d end up with a very difficult 2nd child. If I could be guaranteed another like DS there would be no hesitation. We both have small families, DS has no cousins and won’t ever. I worry about the loneliness when he is a bit older. There would be a 3.5 year age gap.

Has anyone also really enjoyed motherhood with their first child, felt the same as me and also really enjoyed a 2nd child? How did you find it, is it as hard as people say? Are all the horror stories true? If you had a termination in a similar situation do you regret it?

I love having two. Yes it's hard work (especially when they are both ill at the same time, that's the worst) but watching them grow up together is incredible. They have such a special bond.

3.5 years is a nice age gap, I think that does make a difference.
My Sister in law has just had their second, 23 months age gap, and they're having lots of fun (not!). It's like having two babies, at slightly different stages.

Good luck x

For me going to two was hell. But there was a lot going on in addition to him. However, I'd do that first awful year 3 times to get what I have now. He's amazing. Turns out the ability to sleep through in the first 6 weeks (or months, or first year) indicates very little about what a great person you'll be. Yes my eldest missed out on the 1:1 but that was probably what made it so difficult at the start. I'd been worshipping at one alter and suddenly there were two alters and I didn't know how to do that. My third was easier because our circumstances were better and I'd calmed the fuck down.

At the end of the day I don't think the decision to bring a child into the world should have anything to do with an existing sibling. You can factor the impact in for yourself and as a mother. But ultimately it's all hypothetical. But I don't think you should create a human for any reason other than you want one and can raise them.

I found two so much easier than one, I have a similar age gap and they have a wonderful relationship. I also think there is a lot to be said for having a sibling when your parents pass away when you’re older, speaking from experience.

Reasons not to terminate:

• your DC will not grow up to be 'all about me' person, he will learns to share, compassion etc.

• your DC will have a sibling, a friend for life. Just because you're not getting on with your sibling does not mean that your DC will end up the same

• imo having a termination will impact your life much more in a negative way then having 2nd child. You will always wonder what if, what your unborn child would look like etc.

• you can take lil one in a sling and still

enjoy quality time with your child

• having 2nd one is easier as you know what you're doing

My DH had a vasectomy straight after our 2nd one was born, perhaps it's something your DH could consider?

Going from zero to one was so much more difficult than one to two. I have a 4 year age gap between my boy/girl and they get on brilliantly and play all the time.

I cried all the time and also felt completely broken when I was pregnant with my second. For all the reasons you mentioned I was seriously considering a termination. My first was amazing and I didn't want to change her life. I didn't want her to feel like she was missing out. I was so scared. Baby is now 1 totally different child but equally as amazing eldest is best big sister. There is 5 years between them but they are so close going from 1 to 2 totally the right thing for our family.

Going from one to two for me was a breeze, (2 year gap) I was more confident than I was with my first, and much more relaxed. Going from two to three was a bit harder but again I was more confident and everything was second nature.

The hardest by far was going from 0 to 1, my first was the biggest transition in my life and I was all over the place! I wouldn't listen to anyone's horror stories because everyone will have a different experience.

I think people are exaggerating how easy it is to have 2 children. Obviously it's harder to look after 2 small children than 1! It's madness at times. But I love the connection they have. It's hard work, but loads of fun.

It sounds like you have a difficult relationship with your sibling. Perhaps you should seek counselling to think about it.

You don't need to have another child if you don't want to, obviously. But it sounds like you're very invested in the idea of your son being perfect and easy, which is unrealistic. I'm speaking as someone whose mother couldn't handle the reality of her children as human beings, or of motherhood being difficult; she just wanted us to be easy and excel and make her proud. Not ideal.

Ok? But OP already has a child 🤷🏻‍♀️

It all depends on your individual circumstances I think! I'm only on my own with both of them for about 3 hours a day and my son is a preschooler who can take himself to the toilet and play independently. The rest of the time either my son is at childcare or my husband is at home and we tag team the kids.

My Dsis has two & has found it incredibly hard & that’s with a very supportive DH & extended family. She would never say she regrets it but her oldest really resents the youngest & is constantly lashing out. I think the thing with having two is that you also have the dynamic between the two of them to navigate. Ultimately it’s a lottery OP, you roll the dice every time. I only have one but my DD is autistic so my experience has not been typical. There are pros & cons to every size of family & everyone will have a difference experience but don’t feel pressure to have two unless you really want two.

I had completely the same fears as you even though my second was very much planned and wanted (lots of miscarriages before I finally fell with her). My first was exactly like your son. The easiest child ever (and still is). My second is completely wild and has been a hugely different experience but she is just incredible. I truly didn't know I could love another baby as much as my son but you just do. Yes life changes with two and it has its challenges but I am loving the ride with my family of 4.

Well, yes, but I think it's a valid point nonetheless. Having your first child turns your whole life upside down. Having your second doesn't. You know what you're doing, you're more confident and relaxed, and you've likely got a lot of the stuff you need already. If someone's thinking about having a second but are wondering if it's going to be as big an upheaval as having their first then it's worth making clear that it isn't. It's not easy, but it's not as big as a change as your first.

There is a lot of pressure to have more than one child, and a great deal of guilt tripping for those who choose not to. It is important to take the benefits of a sibling out of the decision process for a moment and think about whether you could be the mum you want to be to 2 children and if that is truly what you want. If it is not and the idea makes you miserable then the right decision may be to end the pregnancy. Having more than one child isn’t for everyone and every child deserves to be truly wanted. Good luck and I hope you come to a decision that gives you the most peace.

How disgusting to suggest any child without siblings is an “all about me” person. There are plenty of ways to learn to share and have compassion other than your mum birthing a human being she doesn’t want to.

@kikisparks

It's only natural that they get their own way as a child if there is just the one.

I absolutely love(d) it and we also have a three year age gap. My eldest was such a doting older sibling and "got it" when we had to wait for the baby to feed, change etc. I made sure my eldest still had "big kid" things like playgroup and eventually nursery. Yes it was probably the most tiring period of my life for the first year... But now they are older I wouldn't change a thing, it's such a good age gap. Go for it.

No, not unless they have permissive parents and are home schooled or something. If parents have rules and boundaries no child always “gets their own way.” Further, at school and in other aspects of life all children learn they cannot always get their own way. In any event, saying a child gets their own way is very different than saying they will grow up to be “all about me” and not knowing compassion or how to share. Those are very ignorant viewpoints bred from stereotypes.

In any event, OP we are one and done (infertility is a factor but not the only one). I’m very happy with this decision and think it was the right one for us- in fact the only negative so far is other people’s outdated and stereotypical views.

There are lots of benefits to having one child beyond getting a few extra holidays (although we do love the extra holidays too) but for me it is a feminist issue, no woman should have to carry and give birth to a child she does not want. In all honestly, if in some miracle scenario I did get pregnant by accident, I do not think I personally could terminate, and I’m sure life with two could work for us if it had to, but like you it is not what I (or my husband) want. If termination is what you feel is best for you and your family please do not be dissuaded by people who suggest things such as your child will never forgive you. Your child never needs to know anyway. The decision about whether or not to have a child should be based purely on whether the woman wants to or not, taking into account your spouse’s view if you want to.

It goes without saying there are lots of potential benefits to having more than one as well as evidenced by this thread, and it may be you conclude that is what you want and if so great, but termination is also a valid choice.

@kikisparks

we are one and done (infertility is a factor but not the only one). I’m very happy with this decision and think it was the right one for us-

I'd stay away from threads that are about having two kids then.

No I’ll go on the threads I want thank you, you’re not mumsnet police. And I actually think it’s good for OP to hear from one and done mums to counter some of the nasty stuff people are saying like that her child will never forgive her if she terminates or her child will be unable to share and lack compassion.

There many other valid reasons for having a second child which have been set out by posters which are helpful for her to hear too but she has a choice and I hope won’t feel shamed by any of the scaremongering rubbish if she does choose to terminate.

@kikisparks yes I definitely appreciate your response as it's great to hear from both sides! I do also agree there are other ways to learn to share without having a sibling, I know quite a few only children and none of them are spoilt and unable to share.

I found it easy to go from 1 to 2. Going from 2 to 3 was far, far more dramatic and I would always advise people to really know what they are getting in for!

Your eldest will be getting ready for long stints at playgroup and going to school within a few months of your second being born. I don't think your first will miss out on much if you have another child now. Seems like perfect timing

2 years between our 2. They are in their 20s now & incredibly close. The toddler years were difficult but teenage years were by far most challenging. We were lucky in that they both were pretty good sleepers on the whole.