I threw water on husband 😭

[Purplegurl]

Hey mums 😭 so, I’m normally a very calm natured person and it’s very unlike me to lash out or ever be violent in any way. However, this morning I was just super tired (as per with a baby) and my husband and I do sometimes have disagreements over who will pick up/soothe baby back to sleep when she gets up in the early hours, but it’s usually very mild and as I’m the breastfeeding parent it’s usually a no brainer 😂 On this occasion, baby had been changed and fed and put back to bed (by me) but didn’t seem to settle so she began to fuss and cry again, so I thought I’d let her perhaps self soothe for a short while…my husband must have been annoyed/frustrated by this and started playing loud music - he was basically trying to play music whilst the baby was crying so that I would get up to stop the baby fussing because the music was blasting in my ear - almost trying to create an analogy that playing music loudly is the same as a baby crying and that once the baby stopped, he would stop - at least I think this was what he was trying to do 🤷🏾‍♀️ so I was asking him to stop and he refused and I could feel the tension building up and I was really starting to get upset, I even tried taking the phone away and slid it under the bed, but he took it and continued the loud music, I then tried to grab the phone but couldn’t prise it out of his hands and at this point I was fuming 😭 in that fit of rage I saw my water bottle and threw the contents onto him 😭😭

I’m disappointed in myself because this is soooo unlike me - honestly, if I told anyone they’d be super shocked 😳 don’t know whether it’s just a combination of tiredness/responsibilities/etc - anyone been through something similar? I’d also like to add that before bursting into a fit of rage, I had also started to play some music (almost in a retaliatory manner) but I quickly realised it was pointless and super loud having two phones blasting out music and disturbing baby so I turned mine off🥺 (his volume was louder anyways) anyways that’s besides the point, I still feel disappointed in myself and immature…

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

I am close with my family…but the truth is, although they’re civil with him, they have spoken to me many times about his controlling behaviour Particularly my mum…and I’d feel too embarrassed because it’d be a case of “I told you so”

Do not be embarrassed. Not saying this is the case here, but women have died of embarrassment, too embarrassed to get help.
Keep your mum close. Do not under any circumstances let him distance you from her. Just don't.
I am not one to jump to LTB, but you are being controlled, and you should not let it worsen.

Sometimes, you need to let the people that love you do that though. And very often they will surprise you by NOT saying it.

And there it is. Other people recognise him as controlling but you see it more as stubborness. You said just upthread that you’re ready to apologise because you can see where you went wrong. Are you sure it’s not because you can’t stand the silent treatment any more, so once more you’re apologising to keep the peace and restore the status quo ? This sounds like just one episode in a cycle of abusive control to me and you need to start recognising it as such because the longer it continues, the harder it will be to leave. It will only ever be a matter of time before he tries to distance you from your family and friends and then abuse will turn physical. Which means that not only will you be at risk, but so will your child.

Sounds like you've got a toddler aswell as as a baby🤨

So how should I not let it worsen?

This is so true and it happened to me. Family saw though him and warned me so he moved us far away from them and poisoned me against them. The abuse got worse, more controlling, not letting me sleep, reactive abuse, then physical then worse... Even now, nearly six years since I fled with my children, he still goes it of his way to control my life. I have just received yet another letter from court about yet another hearing that he has called, he's one very angry man. They want their own way and hate women. Truly hate us. I wouldn't ever let myself believe it but now I'm living with the consequences still and my children don't want to see him but are court ordered to. It's hideous.

Those poor, beautiful ladies in the news in Hertfordshire killed by a scorned ex boyfriend... That amount of rage is present in my ex. I see it in his eyes, so may of them are capable of truly horrible acts against women. I will never ever date a man again after what I've been through. I know there are some good ones out there but there are many many truly shocking ones too.

Please go to your mum with your baby. Get as far away from this nasty, abusive, controlling, selfish man child as you can. He is evil and hateful and will treat with more contempt and more as time goes on until you become a shell of yourself.

Good luck lass

Ps I used to describe self as laid back and easy going too. In kindness lass, I wasn't - i was a very vulnerable doormat, living my life on eggshells and terrified of his next bad mood. And yes he did the silent treatment to me, too. Please get yourself and baby away to safety. You are not safe with him.

But does he respect YOU?
Having a baby does place a strain on any relationship..

But I'd imagine he is quite lazy when dealing with the new baby.

My neighbour's husband is lovely with their babies- with his little Daughter, he used to sing to her in a baritone voice as he walked her around the house- he deals with the latest baby nicely as well.

{Our Party wall is thin so one can hear}

''Respect'' should be a two way street.

Sort out your exit strategy.

Ignore him when he works out that you're leaving and says he loves you/ he'll change. He's lying.

And remove the fuse from his stereo.

Thank you, wow I really wasn’t expecting different responses, but it has definitely opened my eyes

@Purplegurl You wrote ''No, he doesn’t apologise''.

That's a bad trait in anyone, if they can't apologise to someone they are supposed to love and be in a relationship with.

It's a really bad sign.

A stubborn refusal to see that they are possibly at fault sometimes, so just one person in the relationship/family does the appeasing and 'apologising'.

That's not good.

It's noise from his phone- he can take this to bed with him.

No it doesn't make sense.

It is the behaviour of an abusive controlling pig.
He will only get worse.
Get that poor baby out of there.
Tell your family.

Hello! Not liking conflict is a reason for people pleasing not some alternate explanation.You are a pushover. Don’t think your abuser gives s shiny shit why you give in. He loves that you can’t stand up for yourself and doesn’t care what reasons you have.

The worst thing I used to do, to myself and others, was make excuses for him - the way he spoke to me, behaved, treated me - until it became such a habit that I didn't see his behaviour as anything other than normal and acceptable. I found that agreeing with him helped a lot so I'd that and told myself I was easy going. I painted a smile on in public. But deep down there was always a deep fear, and unsettled feeling of growing resentment towards him. Then even when he started physically hurting me, I combine myself it was my fault. He would push and taunt and goad me until I snapped, then he'd film me and narrate over the top of the recording that I was a psycho/nutter/having another meltdown/abusive so that I became absolutely terrified that he would show the police or social workers etc (as he sometimes threatened he'd get the children taken away from me) and they'd believe I was the abuser. I felt so miserable, frightened and trapped in an impossible situation.

In the end I called my dad to come and get me an the babies. He drove five hours through the night, the police attended to help me (as they'd attended our family home so many times and begged me to leave him). All of them could have, but didn't, said "I told you so" but so what. Your safety, peace and future, and that of your child, is far more important than your pride.

Since I left, so many people (even old friends of his) have confided in me that they never liked or warmed to him, and we're all so relieved when I finally found the strength and courage to leave.

It does take strength and courage, and the path won't run smooth with a man like that, but it is so worth it to find your freedom.

You can message me any time. I will be hear to support you. Good luck lass, please don't doubt yourself one bit.

I’m just really confused about what to do next 🤔 because I’d simply like to make amends, it can’t be that difficult can it?

Don’t be embarrassed to talk to your mum OP, please. She might react with an “I told you so” but that will be born out of worry and concern for you - I doubt she’ll be trying to be petty.

It’s better to feel embarrassed for the duration of one chat / a few weeks or months with them, than for your child to grow up in fear. For your child to grow up thinking “I must do what daddy says otherwise he’ll get mad or he’ll get quiet and won’t speak to us for a few days”. I was that child. It is torture to grow up like that. Learning to control your actions / emotions to keep your parent sweet and content so that he doesn’t explode.

I’d rather take temporary embarrassment than long-term consequences of your child growing up like that.

It’s not too late to listen to your mum and rectify your choice of getting with this man.

😭😭😭

It shouldn’t be difficult, no. But you’re with someone who doesn’t respect you and constantly “holds grudges”. That’s not someone who will easily make amends together with you. You say yourself he is not capable of admitting wrongdoing.

What you do next is protect your child, and leave. Show them what self-worth looks like and remove yourself from such a toxic relationship. Model good behaviour for them, since their father won’t do that.

I agree with getting away from him, especially when you wrote that he doest’t apologise.
My ex never apologised, coupled with many subtle forms of psychological abuse and it took me a long time to realise this isn’t normal. My dad was the same towards my mum so it was ‘normal “ for me until I got my lightbulb moment.

Please don’t let your child think this is normal.
It's a toxic environment for you and your child to live in. Imagine how peaceful life would be without him.

So how should I not let it worsen?

I think others will probably have better advice, but I would say try to have money that you can access and he can't. Keep your Mum on side, so that you have support.

When you are 'told' to do something call him out on it (if you feel safe to do so) or ' not to use something' give yourself permission to use it if you want to.

If you think there will be repercussions to you standing up for yourself, then you really do need to reassess wether you wish to be in the relationship.

please please leave for yourself and your baby. Your responses are so similar to mine when I was in my abusive marriage. Like you, he was the first guy I had every been with.I am a hugely empathic person, it attracts pople like this :(

I made all the excuses - it wasn't that bad, it was my fault, if only I reacted better, I was also abusive (reactive due to the hell he put me through I've now learned), and as I knew nothing else I was terrified of life on my own: made worse by him telling me it was all my fault and I would cause problems even on my own - guess what, he was lying.

I stayed for 14 years and had two children with him. I wasted so much of my life, and still feel guilty that not only did I put my children through that, but that they now have to deal with him while I got to walk away... but they have a safe home and get to see normal when they are with me.

I have an amazing husband that I never would have met if I had stayed with my abusive ex, and my children get to see a healthy loving relationship modled to them. It can and will get better.

The thing that gave me the strength to leave was seeing him turn his abuse on the children, and then try and gaslight me when I called him out on it. It was always that I was overeacting, or due to past traume I suffered, or that I was mentally unwell (anxiety and PTSD caused by him), nothing was every his fault.

Please don't wait until it gets to that point :( imagine your little baby being in a relatinship like yours - that's what will happen if you don't leave, they will learn to look for relationships that are the same, as they are famililar and feel like 'home' - it's how I ended up wit hmy abusive ex, as I grew up with that modled to me between my abusive father and my mother.

I wish I could go back in time and make different choices - I know how hard it is and scary. I'm here if you want to talk

It does. it also gave me the ick. Are you a child to him?

I can't vote because there isn't an option of

"leave this abusive relationship that's turning me into someone I don't like"

No, I am a little bit younger but not by many years