I threw water on husband 😭

[Purplegurl]

Hey mums 😭 so, I’m normally a very calm natured person and it’s very unlike me to lash out or ever be violent in any way. However, this morning I was just super tired (as per with a baby) and my husband and I do sometimes have disagreements over who will pick up/soothe baby back to sleep when she gets up in the early hours, but it’s usually very mild and as I’m the breastfeeding parent it’s usually a no brainer 😂 On this occasion, baby had been changed and fed and put back to bed (by me) but didn’t seem to settle so she began to fuss and cry again, so I thought I’d let her perhaps self soothe for a short while…my husband must have been annoyed/frustrated by this and started playing loud music - he was basically trying to play music whilst the baby was crying so that I would get up to stop the baby fussing because the music was blasting in my ear - almost trying to create an analogy that playing music loudly is the same as a baby crying and that once the baby stopped, he would stop - at least I think this was what he was trying to do 🤷🏾‍♀️ so I was asking him to stop and he refused and I could feel the tension building up and I was really starting to get upset, I even tried taking the phone away and slid it under the bed, but he took it and continued the loud music, I then tried to grab the phone but couldn’t prise it out of his hands and at this point I was fuming 😭 in that fit of rage I saw my water bottle and threw the contents onto him 😭😭

I’m disappointed in myself because this is soooo unlike me - honestly, if I told anyone they’d be super shocked 😳 don’t know whether it’s just a combination of tiredness/responsibilities/etc - anyone been through something similar? I’d also like to add that before bursting into a fit of rage, I had also started to play some music (almost in a retaliatory manner) but I quickly realised it was pointless and super loud having two phones blasting out music and disturbing baby so I turned mine off🥺 (his volume was louder anyways) anyways that’s besides the point, I still feel disappointed in myself and immature…

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

As he is stubborn, do you find you end up doing what he wants as that makes life easier? Does he ever do what you want, even if it is not really what he wants to do?

its not that simple

I always end up apologising, just to keep the peace, I just want him to apologise and recognise his wrongs - I 100% know I was wrong in throwing water - I wouldn’t want someone to do that to me - but it’s about him also taking responsibility too 🥺

Are you passive or are you a people pleaser? You say this is out of character for him, but is it really, or is it just that he is used to you doing everything to meet his needs? If you're adjusting your own behaviour to keep him sweet then that's coercive control and it is abuse. Even if you don't believe it's intentional, the effect is the same, you are not responsible for how he behaves. My guess is you'll find out pretty quickly after this, it will either shock him into realising you need more support, or he'll double down. Do you have anyone you and baby could stay with for a few days for some respite and perspective? Talking to your GP might not be bad idea either.

I am a people pleaser, but purely because I don’t like conflict - not because I’m a pushover. However, I haven’t really been with anyone else and I don’t know what I’d do 🤷🏾‍♀️

Do you think I should try and chat with him to resolve things? I just can’t be bothered with the whole silent treatment thing - but at the same time I think I might wait it out and see his reaction - I’m ready to apologise because I know where I went wrong

You poor woman.
You are in an abusive marriage with a vile controlling pig.

Please call Womens aid for a chat.
Have you family and friends to call for support.
I think you are hugely down playing that YOU were reacting to his abuse.

Pay no attention to the posters who love to give a kicking to vulnerable women on MN, there is very little moderation on this site, which makes it very toxic at times for fragile women.

You were doing your best but he was baiting you and you reacted.

Please call Womens aid who will confirm this.
Please contact your GP for support too.
You need protection from this awful man.
His silent treatment of you is just more abuse.

Please let family and friends help you.
I'm so sorry you married such a pig.
A new baby and breastfeeding is absolutely exhausting.
Can you pack a bag and go to family?

Are you close with your family?
Can you talk to them?

I am close with my family…but the truth is, although they’re civil with him, they have spoken to me many times about his controlling behaviour Particularly my mum…and I’d feel too embarrassed because it’d be a case of “I told you so”

Classic losers popping up on here to put the boot in to a sleep deprived new mum with a big useless shite of a partner. I’d have thrown the phone, he sounds awful and thick as fuck.

Swallow your pride and go. You will waste the rest of your life waiting for him to apologise, take it from someone who's over a decade and several kids deep with no supportive family. If your mum was concerned enough to say something to you, it's unlikely she will say "I told you so" and even if she does, it's miles better than the alternative. Go. Today.

I don't think you are toxic just extremely tired from looking after a baby. On the other hand your husband sounds like a twat, he should have supported you instead of playing loud music!

How old are you both? He was pushing for you to react and you did. He sounds like an immature pig x

So he's a lovely supportive partner until you say no or need him to step up? Yeah... a lot women find out they are in an abusive relationship once they stop people pleasing or tiptoeing around trying to keep the peace. Why are you having to change your behaviour just to be in a relationship? Answer: in a healthy relationship you wouldn't.

EDIT - I am close with my family…but the truth is, although they’re civil with him, they have spoken to me many times about his controlling behaviour Particularly my mum…and I’d feel too embarrassed because it’d be a case of “I told you so”

Oh sweetie, just go to them. She won't say that, she will just be relieved you are starting to see what she could see. Go

They see themselves as strong women with troubled/weak/struggling men.

I might print this out. It is the clearest description of the dynamic for a woman in this situation I have ever read. Thank you @Theothername

OP - let's just recap. You are too embarrassed to talk to your mum because she will be right about him?

That's insane. She was right. She will believe you (and trust me, for a lot of women in this situation, the women is NOT believed by even her own family because of the brilliant work the abuser does in making her out to be the baddie). I hope that shes not the "i told you so and now you must live in your own bed because you didn't listen to me" type.

what does your mum think is so controlling? I'm interested because you have avoided thinking of him as that.

For the sake of your baby, suck it up from your family and go.

When your family are telling you that this man is dodgy, he's dodgy. It takes a lot for people to overcome the "none of my business" inertia and say something about a relative's choice of partner.

They may well say "told you so" but they will also be relieved that you have left him.

I sort of get this. SIL doesn't like to tell us stuff because none of it surprises us anymore.

She ocne said to me, "How come you always predict what he's goign to do better than me".

it' sbecaus I don't have rose coloured glasses. I don't see him as a victim. I don't accept any of his excuses. And the result is that I can predict what he will do more often than I don't because I can see who he really is.

But I'll tell you this - I get frustrated. But I don't ever say, "I told you so". And me and DH have stepped up time and time again to help her out when he lets her down yet again. And they're not even together anymore.

Well, my mum is usually concerned because of how he talks to me/acts, like, he kind of tells me what to do like the way you’d talk to a child almost - like, if he says “don’t use this particularly thing” then I wouldn’t be able to use it- does that make sense?

Do not allow pride stand in the way of getting away from your abusive pig of a husband.

So your family know how vile he is.
Suck it up and tell them.
Do NOT have another child with this pig.

You can't make your child grow up in an abusive home because you don't want to hear your mum say I told you so.

Oh how lovely to have loved such a blissfully ignorant life, naively truly believing that it's possible to actually have "a conversation" with "men" like this. I'm quite envious of how oblivious you are to the reality of domestic abuse. And that's what this is. Pure and simple, cold, hard, malicious calculated reactive abuse on his part.

Sometimes you can only really get it when you've been there, but OP this is not your fault. He knows exactly what he's doing, he's behaving in a certain way on purpose to manipulation you into doing his share of baby care (and probably many other jobs and duties). The telltale sign with him will be if he uses the fact that you "threw water" at him to try to cast you as the nasty abusive bully. And I bet it doesn't take him long to do this, and make out that you are the one who needs to apologise. Eurgh, can't stand these type of men.

My advice would be, leave him now. He neither loves nor respect you or your child.

No. You should leave him, today, before his nasty behavior turns physical.

OP describes him as stubborn. Translate that into controlling - which is what this incident demonstrated - and he definitely will do it again. Especially as OP is so quick to assume responsibility and defer to him.

This! My family don't believe me. I cannot stress enough that everything you're telling us is abusive, the fact he apparently has no shame in abusing you in front of others is a huge red flag. I know it's really hard and f*cking terrifying, but you need to get out. Now.

Makes perfect sense to me. That's why I'm spamming you! ❤