I threw water on husband 😭

[Purplegurl]

Hey mums 😭 so, I’m normally a very calm natured person and it’s very unlike me to lash out or ever be violent in any way. However, this morning I was just super tired (as per with a baby) and my husband and I do sometimes have disagreements over who will pick up/soothe baby back to sleep when she gets up in the early hours, but it’s usually very mild and as I’m the breastfeeding parent it’s usually a no brainer 😂 On this occasion, baby had been changed and fed and put back to bed (by me) but didn’t seem to settle so she began to fuss and cry again, so I thought I’d let her perhaps self soothe for a short while…my husband must have been annoyed/frustrated by this and started playing loud music - he was basically trying to play music whilst the baby was crying so that I would get up to stop the baby fussing because the music was blasting in my ear - almost trying to create an analogy that playing music loudly is the same as a baby crying and that once the baby stopped, he would stop - at least I think this was what he was trying to do 🤷🏾‍♀️ so I was asking him to stop and he refused and I could feel the tension building up and I was really starting to get upset, I even tried taking the phone away and slid it under the bed, but he took it and continued the loud music, I then tried to grab the phone but couldn’t prise it out of his hands and at this point I was fuming 😭 in that fit of rage I saw my water bottle and threw the contents onto him 😭😭

I’m disappointed in myself because this is soooo unlike me - honestly, if I told anyone they’d be super shocked 😳 don’t know whether it’s just a combination of tiredness/responsibilities/etc - anyone been through something similar? I’d also like to add that before bursting into a fit of rage, I had also started to play some music (almost in a retaliatory manner) but I quickly realised it was pointless and super loud having two phones blasting out music and disturbing baby so I turned mine off🥺 (his volume was louder anyways) anyways that’s besides the point, I still feel disappointed in myself and immature…

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

With a reasonable person, not at all. But men like this are wired up differently. Since I left my abuser I have studied psychology, done the freedom programme, read threads on here, the indy Bancroft book, and I understood so much more now that even if I'd stayed with I'm for three life times, he never would have changed. They can't. Unless they really want to. And even then t takes an absolute commitment to regular therapy on their part and the ability to self reflect on their actions, to learn how to accept they did wrong and to apologise. Most never manage it.

I believe the source of anger for may of these men stems back to their childhood. Some were perhaps treated badly, other perhaps not diagnosed with a neurodiversity, others were possibly shouted at a lot of simply didn't have an adult who met their emotional needs.

As a result, these feelings of anger and resentment manifest themselves within these men so that, as grown up, they have this internal rage. I'm learning still and am far from having all the answers, but I know enough to say that the anger inside these men is not the fault of the partner. Many men like this will in fact select a calm, easy going, kind and amiable partner as females like us are far easier to exert control over. Far more likely to stick by them, forgive them, try to fix them, help them. But you can't. They just despise us all the more for our perceived weaknesses.

It's a horrible reality to face, but better to face it now lass. A man who behaves like this, winding you up until you snap on purpose, does not love or respect or even like you. He sees you as someone to do what you're told to suit his needs. He's ot bothered about yours. And Deep down you know that.

Go to your family, let your mum look after you ❤️

I forgot about that book! I read it so often when gathering my strength to leave and keep my resolve.

Here's a link to the free PDF - please read it OP

https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html

Here's what I would do:

Sit down and write down all the behaviours that have concerned you (or your mum). List them all down. The examples that are specific and the ones that are more general (eg that specific thing he did in the specific category and the "often talks to me like a child" in the general category).

Within this list consider things lke:
How do finances work. Is it fair?
How is childcare split? Is it fair?
How does he respond when you ask for help?
How much freedom do you have to make your own decisions - this could be about what to wear, how to care for the baby, who to be friends with, how to spend your social time, how to spend your at home time, what to cook, where to live or any number of things.
List all the "petty" things he does. And why.
Can you talk to him when you have a problem?
How does he treat your friends/family.
How does he behave when you are with his friends/family?
how does he behave when you are with your friends/family?

Then ask yourself some tough questions:
Do you avoid doing things/ actively do things just to keep the peace?
Are you scared of his reactions?
How do you feel as he comes through the door after work? what's your instinctive response?
If something happens to you, do you want to talk to him about it?
Do you feel safe leaving the baby with him?

Look at the list ver y closely and keep it close.

Then go talk to your family about your concerns. If you feel your mum will listen, make a proper time to talk to her and tell her you're startig to realise things are worse than you thought. Tell her you're not sure what to do yet but you want and need her support and advice.

Or call Womens Aid and tell them the list and ask them what they think.

Did the baby settle?

Thank you, just saved this 🤩

I'm not at all 'oblivious to the reality of domestic abuse' and you're pretty patronising to assume that you know anything about my life experiences. All partners act like idiots sometimes and can be annoying (especially when they're both not getting enough sleep with a new baby) that doesn't mean this is controlling or abusive. If they can't sit down and talk through a situation then that's obviously a problem. But playing loud music and throwing water when you've got a crying baby to tend to is pretty childish behaviour from BOTH parties.

@Jadedbuthappy82 came onto applaud you for finding the courage to leave.
Well done. Lucky babies that their mum had that strength. You’re also an inspiration to those that live far away from family. That family will drive through the night to help if they can.

Wiser folk than me are advising you @Purplegurl but honestly, those of us reading can be objective and we can see it’s abuse.

He was clearly taunting you by using music to force you to get up. A breastfeeding mother. It’s so cruel.

My advice would be first of all get out. But if the realisation of the abuse is too much atm then keep coming on here. Name change if necessary. For God’s sake never ever let him persuade you to/or manipulate a situation where you are less close to your mum.

Visualise a life of peace. Where it’s just you and your baby. Your baby is the only person you have to keep happy. How comfortable would that be? How much less exhausting?

What is your mum’s/parents’ situation? Do they have room for you? I’m sure they wouldn’t let lack of a spare room prevent you going to them.
Do you have a job to go back to?

Wishing you all the very best.

She tried to get him to stop by getting the phone to turn the music off. He wouldn't let her. Why? What sort of man enjoys seeing his exhausted wife and mother of his child in such a desperate state? Come on, it's clear as day he's a controlling twat. But yeah, let's pretend it's all fine. Very strange reaction to blatantly clear examples of domestic abuse from a man who also doesn't know how to apologise and refuses to get up to care for his own baby.

Prince amongst men and the female should shut up and get on with it? If she reacts, at the absolute end of her tether from his taunting, nasty, provocative behaviour, then she's "just as bad as him." Give me a break.

I have a job/supportive family that would make space for me in a heartbeat, but sorry to sound like a absolute lovesick puppy but I believe he’s a good man and very generous, I think this is just one of those things that can happen in a marriage - marriages aren’t smooth sailing are they, things can happen now and then 🤧

I think if I was in charge of a domestic abuse charity, I honestly think that I would want to do a campaign around this exact issue. I think that there are so many cases where the abuse is hidden because he drives her to reactive abuse and then, at best, the narrative is "they're as bad as each other" but at worst its "She is a nightmare". Even people who think they know a bit about abuse often miss these red flags. I get it, it's more complicated - because of course, sometimes its NOT reactive abuse but just bog standard abuse.

I have seen this exact dynamic play out with my SIL. Time and time again her own family would say things like, "Oh, I feel for BIL - he really puts up with a lot living with SIL". And I'd sit there shouting, "this is your DD, why aren't you prioritising her? Why aren't you asking WHY she behaved like that?"

Unfortunately, quite often, part of the issue is that this dynamic started long before the abuser came into the victim's life so the abuser is able to leverage that. glares at MIL and FIL.

I've read your posts but not all replies @Purplegurl and just wanted to say I recognise this in my DH and also in myself. I too am the most placid person, and also a people pleaser, but he has some affect on me that makes me go into myself and just let everything go rather than call it out. I don't feel like myself around him, and get so angry and wound up, but normally am able to keep a lid on it. One time though, he was goading me into an argument about Strictly, of all bloody things, and he was adamant he was right about something which was plainly wrong. But oh no, he would not accept this. He talked down to me as if I knew nothing, even though he was clearly wrong, and I lost it and kicked him in the legs. It's the one reaction he's had from me in 17 years, despite many instances of provocation, so I think he's got away with a lot.

If you want to make things work with your partner, he has got a lot of work to do. He needs to change. None of this is your fault and you must not normalise it or make excuses for him. Please don't feel bad about the water.

To be fair, @SoupDragon , it sounds like OP initially asked her deadbeat husband to turn the music off, but any further grown-up talk may have been difficult with all the noise.

I didn't vote either, though, because none of the options were good ones.

OP, your husband needs to go on one of those remedial "Communication for Dummies"-type courses... if any exist. But I agree with all those who have surmised that he's a bit of a dead-beat. Sorry to say.

Yes, I’ve told him he’s got a lot of work to do, perhaps I’m wearing rose tinted glasses - but I guess we all have moments where can react when pushed

Mumsnet are always trying to break couples up. It’s not reflective of real life. They’re always telling you to LTB. Neither of you are abusive monsters you’re extremely tired human beings

you think?

Yeah, just try to prioritise your mental and physical wellbeing, try to get more sleep (easier said than done), and try to include nice times together

@Purplegurl You're not going to make a massive decision to LTB off the back of your first true concern that his behaviour is more than just mildly annoying. And that's fine - these aren't decisions that can or should be taken lightly or quickly.

When you can, do some thinking about that list I gave you. keep an eye on how you feel/think over the next few weeks/months. When you're ready, if you feel you need to, go speak to your mum or someone else.

It would be totally irrational to expect you to go from one argument this morning to moved out, divorced and moved on within 5 hours!

Good luck either way.

No, the collective wisdom and experience of the women on mumsnet means that often abusive behaviours can be spotted when the vicrim is completely oblivious.

Why?

He's awful and needs to grow up and realise he's a parent

This, in absolute spades.

Those of us who have suffered the exact same type of abuse for years now spot the early warning signs in others and heir relationship. Nothing to do with ltb bandwagon, just trying to save other lasses from enduring years/decades of we went through without having the benefit of the wisdom of other ladies. I wish I'd now about Mumsnet during my marriage, would have saved me so much pain.

Bullshit. Women who have been abused can see the signs and we are trying to help other women to understand what's really going on in their relationships. Women who are being gaslighted and abused are helped to see the truth of their situation.

This is ABSOLUTELY NOT A BLIP. It is nit normal and it is not OK. Playing the music was spiteful—that is not a personality trait that can be fixed.

@Jadedbuthappy82 Exactly right. So many 'small' things have happened in my marriage that I have swept aside, but if I ever mention them to anyone at work, for example, they are absolutely shocked. To me they have become so normal, I don't notice it. Sometimes you need others to shine a light on it.

what kind of small things? (If I may ask)

Yes it was a horrible and annoying thing for him to do, but OP didn't say that this was a pattern of behaviour. She said he's a good father and supportive normally. So it could easily be a stupid and annoying reaction to extreme tiredness from both of them. You seem determined to tell a new mother that she is in a controlling and abusive relationship and should kick her partner out on the evidence of one incident. I would suggest that they should at least try and talk about it first!