I threw water on husband 😭

[Purplegurl]

Hey mums 😭 so, I’m normally a very calm natured person and it’s very unlike me to lash out or ever be violent in any way. However, this morning I was just super tired (as per with a baby) and my husband and I do sometimes have disagreements over who will pick up/soothe baby back to sleep when she gets up in the early hours, but it’s usually very mild and as I’m the breastfeeding parent it’s usually a no brainer 😂 On this occasion, baby had been changed and fed and put back to bed (by me) but didn’t seem to settle so she began to fuss and cry again, so I thought I’d let her perhaps self soothe for a short while…my husband must have been annoyed/frustrated by this and started playing loud music - he was basically trying to play music whilst the baby was crying so that I would get up to stop the baby fussing because the music was blasting in my ear - almost trying to create an analogy that playing music loudly is the same as a baby crying and that once the baby stopped, he would stop - at least I think this was what he was trying to do 🤷🏾‍♀️ so I was asking him to stop and he refused and I could feel the tension building up and I was really starting to get upset, I even tried taking the phone away and slid it under the bed, but he took it and continued the loud music, I then tried to grab the phone but couldn’t prise it out of his hands and at this point I was fuming 😭 in that fit of rage I saw my water bottle and threw the contents onto him 😭😭

I’m disappointed in myself because this is soooo unlike me - honestly, if I told anyone they’d be super shocked 😳 don’t know whether it’s just a combination of tiredness/responsibilities/etc - anyone been through something similar? I’d also like to add that before bursting into a fit of rage, I had also started to play some music (almost in a retaliatory manner) but I quickly realised it was pointless and super loud having two phones blasting out music and disturbing baby so I turned mine off🥺 (his volume was louder anyways) anyways that’s besides the point, I still feel disappointed in myself and immature…

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

Why didn't you just tell him to turn the music off/ get up and see to the baby.
If he had thrown water at you , we all know how this thread would have gone.
You are both at fault here.

This is massively unfair. OP was being a good parent. Her ‘DH’ sounds toxic

Ah, OP 😢. This is not good at all, but you know that.

Your husband's behaviour is so out of pocket, but now you're following him to hell as well. Someone throwing water over me would be so disrespectful, I'd actually throw hands.

I'm guessing this is an unhealthy mix of sleep deprivation and some seething resentment for general dickish behaviour. None of this excuses your actions, so you need to make this your come to Jesus moment.

Is it possible for you two to work together on better supporting each other, or do you need to start untangling? This sounds like a slippery slope 🤷🏾‍♀️.

I didn’t think of telling him to turn off the music and see to the baby, thanks I’ll do this next time 🤧

Anyone saying they would have had a rational conversation or calmly left the room is either lying or completely failing to understand how desperate you can feel in the middle of the night when you are exhausted....or a saint.

For the majority of normal exhausted parents, your reaction was probably very common. I'm not saying that makes it right (but you know that) but it is ABSOLUTELY understandable.

The person who should have left the room then really, was him. He was the one that couldn't stand the crying...so off he should pop and calm himself down. But blasting music in a room where a baby is trying to soothe is ridiculous. And very selfish given that it was most likely you that would be left to do the soothing anyway.

Don't be hard on yourself OP, you sound very very normal to me ❤

Well done, he deserved it!!!

He’s an absolute cunt to imply that you let the baby cry on purpose to annoy him, or that a baby is like a phone you can turn off! Does he know what a baby is?

None of the suggestions.
I'd have gone and soothed baby and had it out with him later in the day.

No one would say she deserved it. She'd be told he was abusive and to call WA. My money would be on a few telling her to lock him out too...

I don’t understand how you can both lie there squabbling like kids whilst your baby is upset to be honest? And I’m speaking as a fellow sleep deprived mum to a baby who is a terrible sleeper.
if my DH was playing loud music when DD was upset in the middle of the night I would be fuming obviously, I would tell him to get up and comfort her because noise wouldn’t help.
You need to re evaluate this situation, how you both deal with nights and maybe even your relationship. I can’t really believe you’re laughing and minimising the situation. At the end of the day, you both seemed to forget you had sn upset child who needed you.

Purplegurl · Today 09:16
MartyFunkhouser · Today 09:15
Both of you need to grow up.
I know 🥺

Yeah! Get up woman and do your woman's work, or I will make you.

Someone throwing water over me would be so disrespectful, I'd actually throw hands.

So ‘disrespectful’ would be met with ‘abusive’. Nice solution. Nice bit of victim blaming too.

To be fair I haven’t seen many threads on MN about men throwing water. Fists, yes, but not water.

Confident baby’s needs had been taken care of, you made a reasonable decision to see if baby would self soothe.

His reaction to being disturbed by his own child crying was to punish you for not getting up?

Why are we talking about water? If you had left out your reaction, there would be a significant proportion of posts advising you to ltb.

It’s very clear that you don’t see yourself as a victim in this relationship. Many abuse victims don’t. They see themselves as strong women with troubled/weak/struggling men. And the erosion of self that occurs is so subtle that it’s imperceptible until you’re a shell of yourself. It starts with acting out of character.

when you used the word respect I shuddered. That’s a seriously weird word in a normal healthy relationship.

But he doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t respect your judgement about your child. He doesn’t respect your need for rest. He doesn’t respect you as an equal.

His response to being disturbed was to punish you.

And if we absolutely must talk about the water, it wasn’t an equal reaction- it took quite a bit before you lashed out. And you didn’t make a point, create an analogy or think it through.

If put your behaviour down to poor self control due to exhaustion and provocation. But his is nasty, arrogant, controlling and punitive.

Please say you’re not financially dependent?

The Op had tended to her baby and made sure her needs were met, sometimes you get touched out with a young baby and just want someone else to try! He shouldn't have been blasting music and should have helped you out, he created the baby also ! He was an arsehole and you are clearly tired and overwhelmed, not excusing it but it is a bloody hard time !

OP, OhBling has it absolutely on the button... you need to reassess the relationship moving forward.
Given you admit he's been undermining your confidence even before the baby, this is likely to get worse now he's not the focus of your undivided attention. Don't be a victim.

People on here minimising his prior behaviours have clearly not read/understood the full thread.

I've worked nights, 12 hour shifts, get home, sleep 5/6 hours then get up. That's when he could be taking over baby duties, so you could get 3 uninterrupted hours sleep.

The early months are challenging but you're not a team, he hasn't got your back. It's all about him, him, him not us, us, us.

Recognise this for what it is and do not minimise it. Abuse.

👆💯

All of this times a 1000!

OP, you have enough to deal with just with one baby in the house. Kick out the one who is old enough to fend for himself and who refuses to parent his own child!

You and the baby don't need this toxicity, unless you want your baby to end up with such a partner as yours is right now.

Did you miss the part where she did try to turn it off but he didn't let her. Who the hell plays music loudly in the early hours of the morning. Do you think that's reasonable?

Her reaction came from desperation because he refused to turn off the music. Can you imagine living with someone who was unreasonable.

I haven't blamed the OP for shit - read again. I have addressed her husband's dickish behaviour and expressed my understanding of why she did what she did. Doesn't make it right though.

Violence is never a solution, no. I wouldn't be right, but I would've retaliated as there are things I don't take kindly to.

Ultimately, it's important the OP and her husband make changes before this becomes a bigger problem.

The option I would have chosen isn’t there - throw him out. Playing music purposely to upset you is abusive. He got you so wound up that you were abusive back. It’s not healthy and you need to end this for your child’s sake. What’s your living situation, can you make him leave or leave yourself?

Lack of sleep makes people irritable and irrational. The problem is thst OP and her DH don’t seem to have any experience resolving conflicts or disagreements when they ate bith calm and rested. She describes herself as passive and him as impulsive, stubborn, and a grudge holder.

Both of you need some parenting classes—that might be a good way of becoming more mature and conscious adults and partners if you can’t access couples counseling.

It was the wrong thing to do and you know that, he was wrong too, does he know that?
Try not to be so hard on yourself though, the sleep deprivation with a baby is so difficult and very testing for relationships. Me and DH had our worst arguments during those times.

"Violence is never a solution, no. I wouldn't be right, but I would've retaliated as there are things I don't take kindly to."

Her husband was mentally abusing his wife and when she tried to stop it he didn't allow her to. Whether it's right or wrong is not the point. The point is he pushed her that far mentally that he pushed her over the edge and he got the reaction he wanted. The op is already worried about repercussions because he likes to hold a grudge. No one can live like that.

oh gosh 😭 this is very overwhelming

I can't disagree with that at all.

I would leave, as it's neither a good environment for the OP nor her baby.

Hopefully she is in a position, mentally/physically/financially, to do so soon.