I threw water on husband 😭

[Purplegurl]

Hey mums 😭 so, I’m normally a very calm natured person and it’s very unlike me to lash out or ever be violent in any way. However, this morning I was just super tired (as per with a baby) and my husband and I do sometimes have disagreements over who will pick up/soothe baby back to sleep when she gets up in the early hours, but it’s usually very mild and as I’m the breastfeeding parent it’s usually a no brainer 😂 On this occasion, baby had been changed and fed and put back to bed (by me) but didn’t seem to settle so she began to fuss and cry again, so I thought I’d let her perhaps self soothe for a short while…my husband must have been annoyed/frustrated by this and started playing loud music - he was basically trying to play music whilst the baby was crying so that I would get up to stop the baby fussing because the music was blasting in my ear - almost trying to create an analogy that playing music loudly is the same as a baby crying and that once the baby stopped, he would stop - at least I think this was what he was trying to do 🤷🏾‍♀️ so I was asking him to stop and he refused and I could feel the tension building up and I was really starting to get upset, I even tried taking the phone away and slid it under the bed, but he took it and continued the loud music, I then tried to grab the phone but couldn’t prise it out of his hands and at this point I was fuming 😭 in that fit of rage I saw my water bottle and threw the contents onto him 😭😭

I’m disappointed in myself because this is soooo unlike me - honestly, if I told anyone they’d be super shocked 😳 don’t know whether it’s just a combination of tiredness/responsibilities/etc - anyone been through something similar? I’d also like to add that before bursting into a fit of rage, I had also started to play some music (almost in a retaliatory manner) but I quickly realised it was pointless and super loud having two phones blasting out music and disturbing baby so I turned mine off🥺 (his volume was louder anyways) anyways that’s besides the point, I still feel disappointed in myself and immature…

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

Plot twist - May I add that he’s also thrown water at me in the past - well not directly on me but on the bed so I’d get up - but I didn’t even see it as being such a big deal … is an unhealthy pattern emerging here?

He said that because (a) it hurts you and (b) it makes him feel like the victim. That's his game. He gets to lash out at you and avoids taking responsbility for his own behaviour - both at the same time!

Actually - the fact that he said that is quite disturbing. He's actually threatening you, in a roundabout way. You throw water at him, in his mind that's one step from throwing acid. He is warning you that next time you do anything like throwing water he will respond as if you had thrown acid at him.

I don't think talking to him is very safe to be honest. Grey rock and women's aid.

That's not the only point of an ultimatum no.
A genuine ultimatum - you should really mean it. "I will walk if you don't do X/do do Y". Its not about manipulating the other person into doing what you want. Its giving them fair warning. The point is then you do have to be prepared to walk. Their choice to be how they are. Your choice to accept it.

For what its worth I was with someone who gave endless ultimatums. He did it because the first time it worked - I really didn't want to break up so did what he wanted. So then it became a way to get what he wanted on everything. Until I said "yes I agree, I think we should break up". At this point, he then backtracked so fast and within a half hour was spinning it into how sad it was I wanted to break up with him. It was extremely manipulative. Whereas when we broke up it was because I told him I couldn't keep putting up with something specific (I really couldn't). He didn't care, so we broke up and then he was shocked that I had really meant what I said. But the relationship really died when I realised I didn't care if he broke up with me after the umpteenth threat.

So (to cut a very long rant short) only issue ultimatums if you are 100% prepared to follow through on them. Otherwise you look manipulative and/or weak.

I just feel really stupid - I wish I didn’t care the way he appears to seem. *sigh

I agree, the acid comment is very worrying.

He does sound dangerous. And from your reaction, it seems like the very idea of trying to gently talk him into ending the relationship is a non-starter.

So I agree. Grey rock. Don't give him any emotion, good or bad. Talk to Women's Aid. Get your ducks in a row.

It's obviously not the worst thing as you know. This is definitely a red flag...So sorry OP. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking you're unstable or the villain here. You're not. Hope he sees the light and you get through this for your sake and the little one...

A dangerous pattern. It's fine for him to attack you. It's only not fine for you to attack him. He might not literally mean acid but when he's in a temper he's clearly willing to do things to you that he would never allow to be done to him. And not even think he has done anything wrong. You really don't want to find out just how far he will take that.

yes, I guess you’re right. Onwards and upwards

This is why I felt uncomfortable with you saying "its only water, its not a big deal". Throwing it once doesn't automatically make you abusive - but at best its a sign of really unhealthy relationship dynamics. I think you started by downplaying it when he did it to you (I suspect you downplay a lot of things) and so downplayed it when you did it to him. Which led to some people on here accusing you of being abusive, and other people joining in with you, downplaying it. Its not something happy people in happy relationships do to each other. If he doesn't change and you stay in this relationship you either get to be a doormat squeezing yourself smaller and smaller in response to him. Or you push back, "give as good as you get" and basically end up changing your personality to become just like him. Neither are good fates (and the second option is likely to get you battered somewhere down the line).

I'm guessing he didn't acknowlege that his original behaviour was also not okay?

Becuase that's what's so insidious about this type of abuse - the original fault is ignored in the outrage over the reaction.

So a more classic example - women is at the end of her tether. She has asked and asked for help with the laundry/cleaning/cooking. He has promised but not delivered. She comes home one day from a long day at work. House is a complete state, children haven't been fed, washing pile is out of control and he's sitting there watching a movie. She loses it. Screams, yells, calls him names, stomps around the house, behaves like a banshee.

Result, "You're such a bitch. I was here, enjoying a lovely movie with DC and you turned into a complete crazy bitch. what is your problem? You are psychotic and abusive."

I hadn't seen this originally. This is also classic. Now, YOu are the abuser AND he is scared of you. So it's up to YOU to mitigate this.

This is really bad. And very very classic.

Or he will push you hard in the back one day. The next day you will (more gently) push him to move him out of the way. In your head its fine because you already made it fine when he did it to you. He will respond by punching you and you will then downplay this by saying "well I did push him". And when you share it with others you will admit that you pushed him first and they will say "clearly its mutual". Honestly, this isn't a game you can win.

Look up reactive rage OP. He's an abusive prick. Playing music loudly in the ear of somebody who has asked you to stop rather than parenting. For fuck sake. Genuinely ... being a single parent is easier than that kinda shit.

DH and I were vile at times amidst the sleepless nights and exhausted days.
But we never had the environment your LO is growing up in.

We'd both have our moments of being pushed to our absolute limits, but they were easily calmed by talking.

What you have is an imbalance which is always going to lead to issues.

It sounds as if you can let go and admit your behaviour, but him using that as a stick to beat you with while not seeing his own behaviour as a problem is a big red flag.

Did he show this behaviour without the pressure of a baby in the mix?

No. The point of an ultimatum is to mean it both ways. Either it shocks the other person into improving or if it doesn't then you do the thing. If the ultimatum is that you will leave then you leave.says

But I would not threaten this man with ultimatums. It's not safe. If he realises that you really would leave then he might become really physically dangerous.

So yes, as @taylorswift1989 says, what you need is not an ultimatum. It's a boundary. Knowledge in your own head that if he has not improved - and he has not! - then you need to leave.

No he didn’t show this behaviour - I think I really started to notice when my own behaviour started to be impacted

It’s really complicated because I really love him, and it pains me that we can’t just “kiss and make up” as it were 🤔

Exactly what my abusive ex would do when I reacted to his abuse. The fact that he has not apologised or even try to discuss in a respectful manner but rather turned it all on you with his further remarks really, really show him up as the abuser he is. You have to leave him.

With kindness OP, why do you really love someone who in your own words is cruel, holds a grudge, and wallows in anger? What is loveable about such a man?

Would you be proud of your daughter in the future if she claimed to love a cruel, resentful man?

This must be really hard for you. But you are stronger than you think, and capable of breaking the cycle. Don’t repeat this pattern ad infinitum as your child grows up - you can break free, and learn to love yourself and not impart this love to people who are cruel to you and don’t love you back.

Do you love him for who he is though? Or who you want him to be/who he seemed to be before? Because you might have to accept that man never existed.

I think it might be more about me loving the life we created together and not wanting that to wither away. Arrghhh

I don’t know, perhaps I need to spend some time with working on myself - and no, I wouldn’t be proud of my daughter if in the future she were to love such a man with those certain attributes.I’d lovingly tell her to run a mile 😂

He's saying that he's going to treat you badly and you're not allowed to react negatively to it.

It's not you who's in the wrong!

The marriage should be over because of how he's treating you, not because of how you react to it.

That life is gone/going anyway. He's destroying it. Don't stay for what used to be. You have to look at what is.

That’s the painful part