I threw water on husband 😭

[Purplegurl]

Hey mums 😭 so, I’m normally a very calm natured person and it’s very unlike me to lash out or ever be violent in any way. However, this morning I was just super tired (as per with a baby) and my husband and I do sometimes have disagreements over who will pick up/soothe baby back to sleep when she gets up in the early hours, but it’s usually very mild and as I’m the breastfeeding parent it’s usually a no brainer 😂 On this occasion, baby had been changed and fed and put back to bed (by me) but didn’t seem to settle so she began to fuss and cry again, so I thought I’d let her perhaps self soothe for a short while…my husband must have been annoyed/frustrated by this and started playing loud music - he was basically trying to play music whilst the baby was crying so that I would get up to stop the baby fussing because the music was blasting in my ear - almost trying to create an analogy that playing music loudly is the same as a baby crying and that once the baby stopped, he would stop - at least I think this was what he was trying to do 🤷🏾‍♀️ so I was asking him to stop and he refused and I could feel the tension building up and I was really starting to get upset, I even tried taking the phone away and slid it under the bed, but he took it and continued the loud music, I then tried to grab the phone but couldn’t prise it out of his hands and at this point I was fuming 😭 in that fit of rage I saw my water bottle and threw the contents onto him 😭😭

I’m disappointed in myself because this is soooo unlike me - honestly, if I told anyone they’d be super shocked 😳 don’t know whether it’s just a combination of tiredness/responsibilities/etc - anyone been through something similar? I’d also like to add that before bursting into a fit of rage, I had also started to play some music (almost in a retaliatory manner) but I quickly realised it was pointless and super loud having two phones blasting out music and disturbing baby so I turned mine off🥺 (his volume was louder anyways) anyways that’s besides the point, I still feel disappointed in myself and immature…

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

I didn't suggest leaving him for good. It's about giving him time to think about his behaviour and treating you better. It's not only about you and him you have a baby what are you going to teach him/her about relationships.

🥺🥺🥺

I voted "throw the water" - not because that's what I would have done in the situation, but I know how you feel and the position you're in. I'm also a very calm person usually, but at the limits of sleep deprivation with a baby and toddler I've done / reacted in ways I really, really regret. We're not ourselves when we're out of our minds without sleep and dealing with constant sensory overload.

Your husband's behaviour is very strange - playing loud music in your face? That does sound cruel and unkind - especially as you're doing most of the work. Does he feel as guilty as you do about the water? Something tells me he probably doesn't... And that's a bigger problem.

He doesn’t care at all - I’m the one that’s in the wrong according to him

Update - I tried to have a chat with him (me approaching him of course) and he threw it back in my face saying he doesn’t know what else I might be capable of… total waste of time and I feel terrible now)

DARVO.

Completely classic DARVO.

Oh god I'm so sorry. That's such a stressful situation to be in especially with a baby too. The last thing you need is for him not to acknowledge his role in all of it and to throw it back in your face. It seems to me that you both need to apologise and move on but that's impossible if he's not meeting you half way. Sending strength

There are lots of ups and down in life and whilst it's somewhat normal to have a rough patch when you have a new baby you have to think about what will happen if you you face challenges in the future. Is this person really someone you want to retire with and grow old with?
What happens if one of you becomes ill?
What happens when your kid is a teenager and becomes an obnoxious teenager? How is that going to work?

If he behaves like this now how can you trust him.

It must feel terrible. You have given him many chances to show a better side to himself and he has firmly not taken any of them! Just thrown them all back at you instead. So it's clear now what kind of person he is.

I am so sorry. Stay strong - the blame for this is not on you.

He also said if I ever throw water over him again the marriage is over - like really? I feel really sad right now and silly

Can you really believe he also said the next time I might end up throwing “acid” on him - that really hurt me - I know that throwing water on someone is not acceptable, and I take full responsibility, but people make mistakes - what’s so terrible about this one

I have considered those things and pointed it out to him - I don’t seem to prolong problems, I seek to find solutions, but he likes to wallow in anger

I apologised, but he makes it seems like I’ve done the worst thing a human being could ever do

Honestly, OP, that's fair enough of him to say he'd end the marriage over that. That's a boundary he has every right to set.

You should think about setting some boundaries of your own, e.g.

• If you speak to me so disrespectfully again, the marriage is over
• If you play loud music when I'm trying to settle the baby, the marriage is over
• If you won't do your share of housework and parenting, the marriage is over
• If you call me names, the marriage is over
• If you threaten me, the marriage is over

All of these are perfectly normal and reasonable boundaries to have.

Throwing water is not ‘assault’.
😂
Do people here never react to anything?!

OP, it’s an understandable reaction.

You haven’t, he’s trying to get the upper hand.

I don’t think you guys understand the type of person I’m dealing with - he doesn’t care about ultimatums 🥺

isnt the whole point of an ultimatum is for it to shock the other person into improving - I’m willing to improve but not him

The problem is you said you were in a certain relationship dynamic because of your own personality -quite passive, easy going etc. The only way to fix that is to change the way you behave - start setting more boundaries, start being more assertive etc. But then HIS reaction will tell you a lot.
It seems like you DID try not to be a pushover when you stayed in bed rather than seeing to the baby. His reaction was to play loud music until you got up. And then you threw the water. OK, you were both tired.
You tried to talk to him about it at a better time and he still doesn't seem willing to take on board aby of your issues (I am guessing you would like him to help more with the baby, not bully you into doing it all by playing loud music).

So, you can try to change the dynamic, and maybe its worth giving it a go to save the relationship (by give it a go I mean be more assertive of your own needs rather than try being a pushover). But if everything is only fine when you are a doormat, and any move not to be leads to a conflict then eventually you are going to have to conclude that he is deliberately controlling/dominant.

Don't get sucked into a situation where you basically become the Twits - each trying to out horrible the other. Because that's not pleasant, and also I suspect he would win.

sighs loudly

yes, this is exactly what I don’t want it to become. I don’t want to lose my kind and caring personality. I don’t want to become cold, calculating and controlling.

Surely you can look back and see from all the ways youve described him that he is not a caring or fair person? He can give you ultimatums apparently but he won't respond to you giving him one? Even that tells you he doesn't view you as an equal.

Nothing you've told us about him is a reason to stay in this relationship. Look into ending this now or you'll have wasted years of your and baby's life stuck to this cruel and controlling arsehole before you know it

Come on OP. It's an awful thing to do to someone. Yes, there is context here - and absolutely he should be trying to meet you halfway and admit that what he did was aggressive and cruel. But I don't think that saying "it wasn't so bad" is the way to make progress here. If my partner threw water in my face, I'd end the relationship immediately.

I think you can say, "yes, you're right, it was an awful thing to do and I've apologised. If you want to walk away from the marriage because of this, I completely accept that. I am also considering ending our marriage over the way you treat me. It seems like we both want to walk away. Shall we talk about how to split up in a way that causes the least damage to DC."

Or, if you think he's too aggressive for that to work, simply agree you did a terrible thing, say nothing else, and get all your ducks in a row so you can move out or move him out as soon as you're ready.

Hmmmm *screams internally

Those aren't ultimatums, OP, they are boundaries.

Most people have those boundaries, and lots more besides. You do not seem to have any. Your husband treats you like shit and you ask yourself what you can do to be a better wife.

You don't have to voice your boundaries to your husband. Most of us never feel the need to say these kind of normal boundaries out loud.

I do understand exactly who you're dealing with. That's why I keep saying leave, end the marriage. He's abusive, you are being abused, and you're being drawn in to his gaslighting.