I threw water on husband 😭

[Purplegurl]

Hey mums 😭 so, I’m normally a very calm natured person and it’s very unlike me to lash out or ever be violent in any way. However, this morning I was just super tired (as per with a baby) and my husband and I do sometimes have disagreements over who will pick up/soothe baby back to sleep when she gets up in the early hours, but it’s usually very mild and as I’m the breastfeeding parent it’s usually a no brainer 😂 On this occasion, baby had been changed and fed and put back to bed (by me) but didn’t seem to settle so she began to fuss and cry again, so I thought I’d let her perhaps self soothe for a short while…my husband must have been annoyed/frustrated by this and started playing loud music - he was basically trying to play music whilst the baby was crying so that I would get up to stop the baby fussing because the music was blasting in my ear - almost trying to create an analogy that playing music loudly is the same as a baby crying and that once the baby stopped, he would stop - at least I think this was what he was trying to do 🤷🏾‍♀️ so I was asking him to stop and he refused and I could feel the tension building up and I was really starting to get upset, I even tried taking the phone away and slid it under the bed, but he took it and continued the loud music, I then tried to grab the phone but couldn’t prise it out of his hands and at this point I was fuming 😭 in that fit of rage I saw my water bottle and threw the contents onto him 😭😭

I’m disappointed in myself because this is soooo unlike me - honestly, if I told anyone they’d be super shocked 😳 don’t know whether it’s just a combination of tiredness/responsibilities/etc - anyone been through something similar? I’d also like to add that before bursting into a fit of rage, I had also started to play some music (almost in a retaliatory manner) but I quickly realised it was pointless and super loud having two phones blasting out music and disturbing baby so I turned mine off🥺 (his volume was louder anyways) anyways that’s besides the point, I still feel disappointed in myself and immature…

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

So because of your situation it's ok for you to be aggressive as your woman, if he retaliated by throwing water back at you would you be victim.

I’m not trying to pacify how I reacted or say that what I did was acceptable, but I was trying to shed light to those writing that the comments would be different if the genders were reversed

Your baby needs a strong mum who will say no stop, this is what our child needs. Your baby needs a healthy supported mum. I want for you to start paying more attention to whether you are being supported or being chipped away at. The music playing was truly petty and aggressive, it’s concerning. Please please please don’t think you can’t talk to your mum because she’s already noticed he’s controlling.

Yes, this.

I remember SIL showing me a stream of messages once from BIL (it was round about the time they were breaking up). She was a bit upset but thought maybe he had some points that she should take on board.

I scrolled for what felt like hours (probably 20 odd messages in total really) through the most vile, aggressive, crazy, abusive stuff. Swearing at her. Calling her every name under the son. Accusing her of everything from manipulation to abuse. Threatening to take their DC away from her. It was awful.

But the bit that really shocked me? He had stopped sending those messages the night before. she had not replied after about message 5. Then the next morning, he'd sent her a lovely little message saying thanks for looking after the DC and for everything she did. And to make it worse, she hadn't even clocked how BATSHIT this was. That he would send her these hideous messages and then, at the end, switch to all sweetness and light without any acknowledgement.

If DH had sent me even ONE of the messages he'd sent her, we wouldn't be back to normal until we'd had a really long and serious conversation and apologies, and promises, had been made.

As much as you shouldn't have thrown the water at him. I would apologise when things have calmed down and explain your side. What he did was completely unacceptable and not supportive of you. I mean what on earth was he thinking?!? Is he always like this? I'm not surprised it upset you and you must be incredibly tired. I hope he's said sorry. If he holds a grudge I would personally show him the sofa until he was mature enough to talk but not sure that's the right response 😬

I totally agree the abuse was comming from the mother for throwing the water, it shouldn't of happened.

She is absolutely describing a pattern of behavior which is very concerning. It is also obvious that only one of them has any interest in improving the situation (her) and she doesn’t have any skills other than avoidance or submission bith of which are natural tactics in an abusive relationship.

I mean what on earth was he thinking?!?

He's thinking the baby is nothing to to with him. Women's work. OP and the baby treated as one entity and him as a second, separate entity. So baby making noise = OP disturbing him. So he plays music in "retaliation" to disturb her.

I don't see anything in him to respect OP. How can you respect someone who treats you with such disrespect? You're wary of him, which is right next door to "scared". It's become so normal for you to feel this way that you don't even recognise the emotion for what it is.

When you say you respect him, I suspect you're thinking of the phrase "a healthy respect for", which is code for "scared of doing the wrong thing due to fear of consequences". Often used about eg large expanses of water, tigers in the zoo, and people who rule by fear.

The first paragraph is definitely true -

You leave. Because if you stay, it will worsen. Every time you let them get away with something, which is what happens when you stay, you're giving them the message that you'll tolerate it and won't leave because of it. That effectively gives them permission to do it again. Often it gets worse over time, because every time they do something slightly worse you put up with that too, and stay. So the next one they do something slightly worse again. Gradually, you become trained to tolerate things you'd have dumped them for if they did it on the first date. Before you know it you're putting up with all manner of things, become a shell of yourself, doubting yourself, questioning if they've got a point and you're the bad one like they keep saying.

Who else have you shown any violence towards, past or present? If it's not habitual behaviour from you, it's unlikely you're the issue. Rather the person you're with is bringing out the worst in you and that is a good enough reason to break up.

If you believe you're the controlling violent thug in this relationship, don't you think you should enter therapy to work on yourself and put the relationship on pause while you do so, to avoid inflicting yourself on your partner? Isn't that what a loving person would do? So if you're the victim, how do you justify staying to be abused? If you're the perpetrator, how do you justify staying to abuse your partner? This is why I often say LTB. Because the details almost don't matter when you're looking at the wider picture, what matters is that the relationship isn't working because it's toxic.

OP, why are you so afraid of this (unhealthy) relationship breaking up? Is it fear of being perceived as a failure, fear of being alone, or something else?

You say he’s a good man and very generous. In what way does his behaviour last night show this?

What are the things he does that show generosity and kindness?

You say all relationships have difficult patches. That is certainly true. They’re usually due to tough circumstances such as stress / illness / work issue affecting normal life. They’re not usually due to one partner making an active, conscious choice to treat their spouse like crap, or to hurt them.

What he did during the night was a conscious decision to hurt you. It was not achieving anything or helping the stressful situation you were in with the baby - it was just a way of saying his needs and wants matter most. And he’ll behave in ridiculous ways to achieve that.

Please tell us, how is this being a good and generous person? You don’t need to answer, but I would encourage you to reflect on this if you can.

Can you stay with family for a few days if talking to him doesn't work out?

You can try and shock him into change. If he doesn't want to talk to you about what happened and chooses to ghost you then I would stay with family. You have to set boundaries and let him know what you're not willing to tolerate. You are a partnership and you share responsibilities. You have to make him answer and apologise to you for his behaviour. Remember one thing you are not his mother who will let him do what he wants you are his wife and you deserve respect.

hmmm, I could the try the shocking into change but that’s a bit extreme don’t you think?

Why is it extreme? Is extreme bad?

What did you learn about relationships as a child? We tend to seek out familiarity in our adult relationships. Is this attitude towards women familiar?

I didn’t really have much of an insight I think

When you decide to be a mother you can’t drift with the tide like plankton. Start reading, learning, and choosing how to run your own life.

So if it was the woman annoying bloke, and he through the water at her, would she deserve it.

God almighty Gromit you’re right! After eleven pages of nuanced discussion, you’ve cracked it with, “SO! If it was the other way round would it be right? Hmm?! HMM??!!”

Thank the lord you came swinging in with your sledgehammer logic 🙄

Sending you a hug @Purplegurl it’s a lot to process.

It sure is 🤔 going to take time to truly reflect now

Goodness, OP. You're heading for social services involvement if this situation isn't improved. Please get some help.

Not what I was saying - but then you know that.

How the fuck can you agree with a post when you’re saying the exact opposite ?

If he hasn’t yet robbed you of all your self respect just examine this statement again. What are you making amends for ? He made a bad situation worse because he didn’t want to get out of bed, and eventually forced you to deal with it. It’s been explained to you over the course of the thread that this is how serious abuse starts. Why would you want to give him the opportunity to make things so much worse ? Making amends is a temporary solution and sooner or later it won’t work. I get that the thought of leaving, especially with a child, is unthinkable, but only you know the truth of the situation you are in.\