Quick advice please on a business of very sad etiquette...

[CurlewKate]

I've been asked to help spread the news that the adult child of someone in my social circle took his own life last week. I was asked because I am still in touch with a group of "mum friends" from primary school that his mother had lost touch with. I need to know if "took his own life" is the right thing to say. It seems awful to be fretting about language at a time like this-but I want to get it right.

No idea why the title says "business". I intended to say "matter."

Gosh how awful.

I’d be wary of giving that much detail though. Is it not enough to say that he died?

I don’t think you need to reference how the person died. Just pass on the message that it was a sudden and unexpected loss. That would do. Folk will draw their own conclusions.

Do you need to say that at all? Could you say that he had been unwell for some time and died? It depends on whether anyone feels that it’s important to know the manner of his death.

If the mother has lost touch with these women why do you have to give details of how he died? Just tell them that he died.

Just say he has died surely, it's really not appropriate to go into detail with people who didn't know him well.

I'd go with sudden and unexpected. No need to over egg the situation.

No, no need to give that level of detail. Please don’t, it’s too invasive

You just say he has sadly died or sadly passed away.

How sad.

Died suddenly. And when they text you to ask what happened private message death by suicide.

Or if a large group and they ask why on group just say.

The first thing people say is oh my god what happened. You can ignore that or answer.

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss, my friends lost their child this year, and the pain you feel for your friends is significant too.

My friends 'announced' carefully, but factually.

Don't beat around the bush, don't use flowery words and too many words, don't lie.
Simply say something along the lines of

I am sorry to share the news of xxx who took their own life last week(date if you have it)

Please ensure you talk to your children no matter how old they are and let them know someone is listening.

Then a link to Payrus https://www.papyrus-uk.org/#
And Andys men club https://andysmanclub.co.uk/
And the Samaritans

I though I would say this, but the first thing I said was
I'm so sorry, what can I do to help.
I then sent vouchers for Cook, so they could order nice frozen meals
I talked to them ever day on messages, always saying they didn't have to reply.

Edit
If you don't explain "took own life" then there will be questions. There is no shame in taking your own life, it's just terribly tragic.

I would just say that he died suddenly and unexpectedly and your thoughts are with all those concerned or something of that nature. News will spread of the details to those that need to know.

as a mother who’s daughter has attempted, details are best left to those who need to know at this stage.

@SadRainGonnaFall that's the best way to go about it from that family. I've been on a chat for this situation, not written by the family and people immediately are shocked and ask what happened. Not saying they don't offer sympathy etc too.

I think it sounds pretty poor form to be distributing news of something that has absolutely nothing to do with a friendship group that the poor bereaved mother knew when her adult child was at primary school.

Just keep out of it.

Sorry- I should have said. She wants people to know how he died.

@Petrine Did you miss that the family have asked me to do it?

I would just be factual in that case and say that he has very sadly died by suicide.

Having done a version of this call, people ask what has happened. And doing this call for the 20th time you can’t keep coming up with euphemisms and diverting. It isn’t your son that has died, so there won’t be an outpouring of help and support for you, people will be a lot more blunt and want to know.

I would use the language that the family used. If they used took his own life, go with that rather than suicide. If they used suicide, then go with that. I think suicide can seem a little clinical sometimes but some families need that and some don’t.

For your sake, you need to come up with a speech: I’m sorry to let you know that x has taken his own life last week, y asked me to let you know. There are no funeral details yet but these will be sent via text as they are confirmed/posted on FB. The family have asked for no flowers and donations to Mind.

You said nothing about the family in your first post. You added info regarding the family after my post.

I'd say "lost his life to suicide" in the same way people would say "lost her life to cancer or heart failure" as mental illness is as real as physical illness and it takes away some of the "blame".

@Petrine I said "I've been asked". Who do you think asked me, the bloody tooth fairy?

Awww this is so sad. His poor mother.

Personally I would just say "sadly such and such has died unexpectedly. Please feel free to reach out to mum to offer your condolences and support." This way mum has the discretion to divulge that information of the specifics of the death.

Samaritans recommend ended their own life, and I’ve seen lots of discussion preferring ‘died of suicide’ to use the same phraseology as a physical illness.

what a hard message to have to give - I’d also make sure you’re clear and succinct enough you don’t have to keep going back over details to protect yourself. Take care

A medical colleague of mine died in the same way and their family requested that everyone use the phrase 'took their own life' rather than 'committed suicide' or 'by suicide '. Everyone respected this.

I think it's better to be factual rather than say things like 'died suddenly and unexpectedly' as people will inevitably have questions and being factual means that there is less speculation and chat about what happened.

So sad for everyone involved. The young man must have been in a desperate place.