Quick advice please on a business of very sad etiquette...

[CurlewKate]

I've been asked to help spread the news that the adult child of someone in my social circle took his own life last week. I was asked because I am still in touch with a group of "mum friends" from primary school that his mother had lost touch with. I need to know if "took his own life" is the right thing to say. It seems awful to be fretting about language at a time like this-but I want to get it right.

This. I have had to sadly do this a few times also

I find the above approach the most respectful. I know at least one person who wanted similar language and came to regret it. I think the above is respectful of the wishes while also being mindful of triggering some recipients, sadly it isn't far from many families.

The samaritians media guidelines suggest "took his own life" is better than "died by suicide"

It's because it isn't a crime

I'd disagree tbh. But as I said it's a very personal view. Only OP's friend knows what they're comfortable with. However it's phrased, it's devastating and a difficult thing to do.

When dd died I asked a few friends to share the news because I couldn’t face doing so. In this instance, “died suddenly and unexpectedly last week” would be most appropriate, and then explain privately if people ask.

I think the suggestion of stating he died and when and posting the samaritans link is a good way to go actually. It the link does the talking.

I'd say he died by suicide. It's factual, unemotional, and doesn't blame the poor man (like saying something like 'he took his own life' or 'killed himself' might imply).

Yes I imagine one charities guidelines won't fit all.

Love to everyone affected

Not sure if this is helpful but I attended some mental health training a couple of weeks ago and was told that we no longer say someone committed suicide, rather the correct phrasing is 'died by suicide'. Maybe that could be an option

It wasn't a crime when my husband died but it was the phrase used by all the professional people I had contact with afterwards eg police officers, coroner's officers etc.
I had no problem with it then and continue to use it myself. It's not up to others to decide that I should stop using the phrase, in fact I find it offensive that people have decided I should not use the words I want to when discussing my own husband's death.

@ISeriouslyDoubtIt you have every right to talk about your husband's suicide in a way that works for you, but you sure must understand that others who have lost loved ones to suicide might feel differently, yes?

'Took their own life' is best. The family have asked you to pass on the news so they won't be pestered by anyone asking for details which 'suddenly and unexpectedly' might still provoke.

My much loved relative killed herself a few years ago.

In my head, I use "suicide" most often - not out loud as that upsets her very closest family members who never wanted the word suicide used. Amongst our family we use "took her life/took her own life/ended her life". Sometimes killed herself, that's how it was broken to me...that's the most painful way I describe it I think...there's a visceral response for me. Very privately we might use the verb of what exactly she did to end her life...obviously not this but substitute the appropriate verb, "i.e L went to the shops" but we would never ever discuss the method used outside of immediate family. If you know and if someone asks what they did to kill themselves, please never ever share that information. My preferred term is "ended her life"...as that sums up her background/suffering/the hope she is free from her years of pain now. It feels more gentle as ridiculous as that sounds, and befitting of what she did and what her intentions were...but I'm a few years down the line and have "arrived" at that.

At her funeral, the celebrant passed on to the congregation that her children wished that when we spoke about L, we refrained from using the term "committed suicide" as this felt like an outdated term, which carried the sense of having committed a crime and they didn't want their mother to be remembered that way. The celebrant said, if we must, we might choose to say that L took her own life or ended her life and that this would be what her children preferred and felt was appropriate.

In your shoes, I'd say something like, "I'm sorry to share the news that Fred Smith died suddenly yesterday, having taken his life.The Smith family are understandably devastated and requested I share the news on their behalf. I will share details of the funeral in due course. "

Also...I am sorry that you are in this position and that someone you know has died in this way, before their time. Very sad and difficult. It's kind of you to do this for the family, but make sure you can access support if you need to as well.

I think died by suicide or took their own life is most appropriate. My partner died by suicide and to be honest I didn't really care how people described what happened as long as it was clear that it was suicide. Definitely don't use 'suddenly and unexpectedly'. Sadly mental health and suicide is still something some people feel needs to be hidden away.

I work in mental health and our preferred wording these days is 'died by suicide'

Does not have the blaming kind of connotation of 'committed suicide' or 'ended their own life' but is unambiguous and clear vs 'died suddenly' which is surely going to get follow up questions and speculation

Once again, thank you to everyone who helped. I just said "I'm calling with very sad news- M has asked me to tell you that X took his own life on Friday"

A couple of people asked me about the funeral and donations- I'll call them back when I know. I sent a list of the people I told to the family contact I have.

Fair enough

Sounds like you handled it well op. Sorry that you had to do it. Very hard.

Take care of yourself.

Respectfully I completely disagree with you here.

Sometimes people need to be explicitly told it's ok not to be ok. It's ok to talk.

When my friend had to tell me about her child, she ended the message with "please check in with your dc" I didn't think that she had not. She had a wonderful relationship with her child.

@SadRainGonnaFall
It's a completely different situation if the bereaved parent says something like that, as opposed to someone else like OP making the comment.
Don't you see that?

Of course people should be told it's okay to not be okay and to talk. Don't disagree with that at all. This message is not the time.

@SadRainGonnaFall "Respectfully I completely disagree with you here.

Sometimes people need to be explicitly told it's ok not to be ok. It's ok to talk."

I agree with you that people need to be explicitly told. However, I couldn't be more sure that it wasn't my place to do the telling at this time. It would have been overstepping my role as a messenger. And could easily be misinterpreted. I know that the mother intends to do something in this area after the funeral and I stand ready to help her then.

yes I think that message coming from someone who is not the Mum might be misinterpreted as judgemental...."that mother didn't listen and look what happened"

My niece took her own life last January, a total shock, no previous mental health issues that my brother had been aware of.

My brother lives in the US with his family and he asked me to let the UK family know. He wanted people to know as he knew he and his wife would get upset if they referred to their son by name in Christmas cards or in Facebook posts and they were then forced to explain.

My brother wanted me to say he took his own life and that there would not be a funeral service so no flowers or condolence cards. He took it very hard and retreated into himself for months, not even communicating with me or my other siblings in our WhatsApp group - we used to chat pretty much every day.

I ended up drafting a redrafting a quick message to send out via email or WhatsApp if possible or phone otherwise. I simply said I was passing on a message from my brother D that on x January, his daughter H had taken her own life. The funeral will be for immediate family only and they would appreciate no flowers or cards.

The hardest thing was having to phone my auntie to tell her as her son had taken his own life many years ago and I knew it would bring back many feelings.