Quick advice please on a business of very sad etiquette...

[CurlewKate]

I've been asked to help spread the news that the adult child of someone in my social circle took his own life last week. I was asked because I am still in touch with a group of "mum friends" from primary school that his mother had lost touch with. I need to know if "took his own life" is the right thing to say. It seems awful to be fretting about language at a time like this-but I want to get it right.

Just checking OP, are you ok to do this? You've not said yes just to help out? It's a hard job at a sensitive time, I hope you feel you CAN do this and not just feel you have to because they asked you x

It's actually quite refreshing seeing these responses. My friend's parents didn't want it to be known at all and hid it even from me for a very long time. It felt as though they were trying to protect themselves, which was understandable but a bit of a fake response to something I also don't like to be hidden. It made me realise how hard it must have been for her to talk to them.

Good luck OP.

You are a good friend. It’s not going to be easy but it is so kind of you to take relieve her of that.

The thing some posters don’t seem to understand is that when we are told someone has died it’s a normal reaction to ask what happened. It’s better to deal with that early on in one go if possible rather than be answering the same questions for months on end.

Agree, also implies shame. The only shame is the state of our support service.

Totally agree with this. Condolences OP.

Sadly this is something I encounter a lot in my line of work. I think "died by suicide" is the most commonly used term nowadays and I've also seen "died due to / following mental illness", which everyone will understand is suicide. "Took their own life" is also still widely used but some don't prefer it.

I disagree with those saying you shouldn't give the cause. This will only lead to speculation, rumours and questions (at worst, directed at the family- you'd be surprised how insensitive people can be). It's not as if people won't find out eventually. And sometimes it can lead to others who have been bereaved by suicide reaching out.
It shouldn't be seen as shameful anyway.

You're kind for doing this OP. I once had to ask someone to break similar news on my behalf and I'm eternally grateful to her.

Gosh. @Petrine this really isn't the thread to be so unpleasant on.

@CurlewKate I am so sorry you are having to do this.

@petrine The OP was more than clear, everyone else on the thread other than you has managed to understand perfectly. I am guessing like me they have also understood your nastiness, totally inappropriate on a thread of this type.
I hope you re-read your responses and find some empathy.
@CurlewKate whatever words you use, you are doing the family a huge service, not only to them but their DS. Please take care of yourself too.

The family may have asked you to pass on this tragic message to prevent future meetings with said estranged friends asking how her DS is, not realising he'd passed. Be brief and factual. I'm sorry to deliver the sad message that X, son of Z took his own life last Monday. Service on * date at U. Family flowers only but donations to Mind.

I always thought died by suicide was the correct phrase but I don’t know for sure. But as others said you don’t have to give the detail.

Obviously I take this back. It wasn’t clear from your OP that the family were happy to share. Whilst there’s nothing to be ashamed of, it wasn’t clear how the family felt.

I'd be a bit careful about the "suddenly and unexpectedly" That could be interpreted as drug use. I think that using the words that the family used is the most sensible and sensitive way to go.

RTFT. OP has been asked to be clear about what happened.

The OP was asked to announce the news to old friends. Didn't you read the post?

@godmum56 I agree about "suddenly and unexpectedly" thank you . Unfortunately i can't use the words the family member who told me used, which would be my first thought, because they were too graphic to be appropriate.

@CurlewKate I've seen you tkqe the time to post considered advice on here lots of times, so I'm not surprised your friend has trusted you to help with this.

As PP says, make sure you get some support yourself. Best wishes to all concerned.

These are the right words.

As shown above they are not

'folk will draw their own conclusions ' is awful.

If the message is "died suddenly" or skirts around the truth, questions will be asked.

Personally I still believe that short and simple truth is what is needed.

If you re going to let the group know by WhatsApp rather than a phone call, I would suggest that you set up a new WhatsApp group excluding the mum, even if you are already all in a group with the mum included. She won't want to get a ping each time somebody replies to the message. You can simply let her know you have passed on the news and if anyone wants to send their sympathies to her, suggest they simply send a sympathy card in the post (via you if they don't know her address). She will have enough on her plate without having to respond to sympathy texts from huge numbers of people.

Have had a close relative die in this way.

My family has never been fussed about the wording used to describe it. We say 'he killed himself'. That's what happened.

To us, it doesn't matter how you describe it.

It actually irritates me that people fuss so much about wording. It is a terrible thing and that is what matters, not quibbling about wording and making people feel bad for 'saying it wrong'.

(By the way, it took years for me to find out that he didn't die in a car accident. My best friend told me. Now that was a problem, that my family didn't tell me the truth.)

Don't say that in the group chat. Died suddenly and unexpectedly is what is usually used for when someone dies by suicide.

The language you suggest using is fine. Sorry for your loss

My cousin died by suicide after a long period of mental illness. My Dad and his sister both refused to tell anyone how he died. It caused lots of gossip and upset and frankly made it seem like they were totally ashamed of him which caused more angst.
If the family have asked you let everyone know he died by suicide then I would go for that. Simple and to the point. People don’t need to know the details etc.
When the funeral is over I strongly recommend that you contact Cruise for yourself.. you need to look after yourself too

I think there is a lot of padding around death and a desire to be sensitive. But really it’s being clear and factual that is important as well a being sensitive.

very sad to pass on that xxxx son, died by suicide last week. Xxx has asked me to pass this on, as understandably they are so very distraught.

I’ll let you know funeral arrangements when I know more.

sudden and unexpected- car crash? Some kind of accident?

what you don’t want is speculation and chatter. Control the narrative and be clear