Quick advice please on a business of very sad etiquette...

[CurlewKate]

I've been asked to help spread the news that the adult child of someone in my social circle took his own life last week. I was asked because I am still in touch with a group of "mum friends" from primary school that his mother had lost touch with. I need to know if "took his own life" is the right thing to say. It seems awful to be fretting about language at a time like this-but I want to get it right.

I think brief and factual is the way to go. For those saying not to be euphemistic, it's worth bearing in mind that there is quite a lot of evidence about the importance of language in media reporting of suicide. @CurlewKate obviously this is different and you don't necessarily need to read the whole thing, but these WHO media reporting guidelines will probably confirm your instincts (including not to be too graphic) if you have a quick look at the dos and don'ts section: https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/9789240076846

Exactly this. I say "he killed himself" or "he committed suicide" about my late husband. It was a brutal, appalling and terrible thing, no amount of soft-soaping and using various euphemistic phrases changes the dreadfulness of what happened. I was very surprised by the number of people who asked me to my face how he did it.

It's a euphemism which implies shame.

The more we talk about suicide, the more we can do to prevent it and the lighter the burden will be in people who have lost loved ones to suicide.

As someone who lost a very close friend to suicide, I think it's important to talk about it.

There might be someone in that group who is contemplating suicide but thinks they don't want to go down that route after all and reaches out for help. Or hearing about suicide might make someone read about it and be more alert to warning signs in a loved one. Or someone might have lost a loved one to suicide but feel they can't talk about it openly.

I don't think there's any need to tiptoe around it.

Then 'died by suicide' or 'took his own life' is the most appropriate way to describe it.

I'm so sorry that your friend is having to go through this, and also that you have the difficult task of helping her share the sad news. I hope you're OK.

I personally wish people wouldn't skirt around the issue with all the 'suddenly and unexpectedly' stuff. It just leads to speculation and gossip and questions. it also means that when a younger person dies 'suddenly and unexpectedly' from natural causes, everyone assumes they died by suicide when they didn't and the family then find themselves having to correct people.

I think it’s great she feels she can reach out to you and that she must trust you to ask you. I would just say that x has sadly died and had committed suicide. Young men are the group most likely to kill themselves and be successful in their attempts. I was speaking to a police officer I know recently about this as he deals with a lot of suicides. They tend to choose abrupt ends, it’s happening and rarely do they choose methods where they can recover. I think what @Peclet has written is perfect in what will only ever be a shocking msg to open.

I would assume something like a brain aneurysm or undiagnosed cardiac issue, if I read "suddenly and unexpectedly." Suicide is not always entirely unexpected. It might be at that moment, but can follow years of distressing symptoms.

I'm with short and factual and non-euphemistic.

I think the current PC way is died by suicide.

I agree with a pp - if I read 'died suddenly and unexpectedly' I'd assume drug-use if the person was young. These days 'died suddenly' is often interpreted as 'killed by vaccination' on twitter, sigh. People will ask you how he died so I don't think there's any point in avoiding it.

My brother took his own life and I normally say he 'killed himself' or if I was speaking to someone more formally I would say 'died by suicide'. 'Took his own life' is probably the best 'middle' response.

Condolences op

My most recent MH training suggested the correct term is now 'died by suicide' if that helps.

I think be honest. Otherwise people will he speculating and may inadvertently ask the mother about his health etc. The last thing she needs to do is explain this, in fact I think this is exactly why you have been nominated so it's out there and no one will ask her about it.

In terms of wording I would say died by suicide. Or took his own life.

Sorry you are in this position OP

I think as his mum has asked you to let people know @SadRainGonnaFall ’s post is perfectly worded.

I’m so sorry even though I don’t know you or his family. Was in a similar position a few years back , such a tragedy always, and the sadness never goes away completely.

"Lost their battle with mental health" is growing in popularity because the emphasis is on the long and difficult illness rather than the action the person felt they had to take.

Best Wishes OP

Well said OP. @Petrine, it was seemingly quite clear for most of us, stop being nasty

But for some people, I have no idea how many, but it includes my late husband, there were no mental health issues at all, they decided to kill themselves as a result of particular events or experiences or something they had done or because they were going to die of a disease or physical illness.
So unless it can always be stated that suicide is as a result of mental illness, which it can't, to state that someone had lost their battle with mental health would be totally inaccurate in some cases.
Therefore it's much more appropriate to say the person killed themselves, died by suicide or committed suicide( a term which I'm perfectly fine with using to describe my husband's death), as it describes factually what happened whatever the underlying cause.

With great sadness I have to tell you that xxxxx Took own life on x date.

Funeral details/ donations to if known or tbc if still not known. State family only if the case.

Link to papyrus and Samaritans.

Very factual but not over sharing

Get support for yourself if you need it, it's hard even if you are the friend.

I found out a few weeks ago that a primary school friend of my DD died 4 years ago and I was gutted that no-one told me as I would have travelled back to the funeral. My DD is late 20s now. Worst still I found out as I saw their parent who assumed I knew.

This happened in my own family, my sibling. I prefer killed himself as it is to the point. I also preferred to tell people that was what happened because I didn't want it to seem that we were ashamed of him. However I would not say talk to your children or link to any charities. Anything that could be misconstrued as my parents could have done things differently would have made me so so angry at the time. So stay clear and factual.

@ISeriouslyDoubtIt

I have long term mental health issues myself so thats the angle I look at suicide from having lost friends. I hadn't considered it from your angle. I'm sorry for your loss.

My son attempted suicide 2.5 years ago, and my brother died by suicide in 2020, and if someone had to do this in my behalf, I'd say that exactly that: died by suicide.

'Committed suicide' or 'took his own life' are very emotive terms. To me, died by suicide is factual but not cold.

That's my view but obviously this is very personal. Thankfully it was a situation I was mercifully able to avoid, at least in my son's case. I'm so sorry.

Everyone else seems to have understood it to be the case that she was asked by the family. Its just you that is having difficulty.

Yes, I agree completely that anything like
"Please ensure you talk to your children no matter how old they are and let them know someone is listening" (as a pp suggested upthread) is wholly inappropriate for this message.

It may not mean to, but it implies that maybe the distraught parents in question were not listening.

That was my first thought on reading that message.

You really, really don't want to say anything like that OP.

I am so very sorry this has happened @CurlewKate.
I'm very sorry for your loss too @Sparkymoo.

"committed suicide" is not the right phrase to use.

Died by suicide is the preferred phrase.

That was advice given in my workplace recently (working with public in an environment where peoples' lives are touched by suicide)

That may be your workplace's advice but as someone who was widowed by suicide I have no problem whatsoever using the phrase" committed suicide", I have often used it when describing my husband's death. I have no idea when or why it became an unacceptable phrase, and as someone affected by suicide I shall continue to use it.
No one has the right to tell me I have used the "wrong" phrase to describe how my own husband died.

Afaik the term 'committed suicide' comes from prior to the Suicide Act 1961, when it was a crime to die by suicide hence 'committed'