Quick advice please on a business of very sad etiquette...

[CurlewKate]

I've been asked to help spread the news that the adult child of someone in my social circle took his own life last week. I was asked because I am still in touch with a group of "mum friends" from primary school that his mother had lost touch with. I need to know if "took his own life" is the right thing to say. It seems awful to be fretting about language at a time like this-but I want to get it right.

You weren’t clear at all in your OP. You spoke of friendship groups.

I hope you manage to be clearer when you broadcast your message to said group.

Yes I agree it's human nature to want to know how another person passed away, especially if it was unexpectedly young. It seems like an instinctive survival instinct because a lot of time, people need to know if that applies to themselves in some way and it also helps to give context during the grieving process.

To be honest, the moment someone starts dodging the question and starts coming up with euphemisms, everyone will already know it's suicide or an OD. Because the only other sudden cause of death is a car accident and it's very unusual for a family to keep that secret. To spare the family unnecessary speculation and gossip regarding drugs or ODs, it might be better to just give the factual truth.

Unfortunately I see quite a lot of this.

imo I think the best way I’ve seen is to simply say “x died tragically on y date”. Then add a link to Samaritans/andy’s man club or whoever and say please remember help is there if you need it or similar.

that or “ended/took his own life”. Again with links to MH support.

If the woman is happy to share what happened then the 'correct' term nowadays is 'death by suicide' I believe

Sorry for your loss.

I think the phrase ‘took his own life’ would be best. The phrase ‘committed suicide’ is generally considered unacceptable now as the act is neither a crime nor a sin.
I speak as someone who has lost a relative in this way.

I don't think there's a problem with "took his own life".

I would put something like "I have been asked by X to let you know that X sadly took his own life last week. I will keep you informed about funeral details when I have them". Or something similar.

Thank you. I do want to be factual and clear -apart from anything else to avoid speculation. The family member who told me told me was graphic in a way that would be entirely inappropriate. My instinct is to go for "took his own life" Thank you for the advice to write myself a little script-that's an excellent idea.

“Took his own life” is considered the right phrase OP.

There is literally only you who feels like OP wasn’t asked by the family.

I've been asked to help spread the news that the adult child of someone in my social circle took his own life last week. I was asked because I am still in touch with a group of "mum friends" from primary school that his mother had lost touch with.

From the first post. It is pretty obvious that the mother doesn’t want to bump into a parent or someone her son went to school with in town and be asked how he is. Can you imagine the crippling grief of just trying to get a food shop done and someone your son went to school with asking how he is and you having to relay he’s dead? This isn’t AIBU, you don’t need to pick on every single part of the OP’s answer and if you feel embarrassed by your lack of comprehension, that’s on you. You shouldn’t be taking it out on OP who has to ring a bunch of old school mums about this death and who are going to be putting their emotions about if it was their own children onto OP.

Oh for God's sake, the OP was perfectly clear.

I have no advice to add, but send my sympathy to you and the lads family. I'm sure however you chose to word it will be perfect.

How sad.

I would go with "took his own life" or "died through suicide" depending on what language the parents used.

As I read it, I feel the family of the man want you to say he took his own life because it’s too painful for them to say it. I’d use those words - sadly xxxxxx took his own life on (insert day or date here ) and see how that is accepted by the group before saying anything else.

@Petrine for the last time. I said "I've been asked". So unless you think I'm some sort of bizarre grief troll that should have been clear enough.

I"'d go with something like "mumsname has asked me to share the very sad news that sonsname took his own life on <day>. Funeral details will be released once known."

My best friend took her life last year. I also don't think you need to announce it - people will ask how they died in the run up to the funeral and if you tell 1 they will all know. You could just be honest when or if they text or call to ask.

Is this really the post to be so unpleasant on ?

Sorry, just seen your update. Yes then, go with your suggested wording as they have asked.

Aside from anything else, that's what happens when there's a death, people spread the word so everyone who wants to can attend the funeral and send condolences etc.

Hi OP

I've left a comment already, but I just wanted to say please get some support yourself. As speaking from experience the messenger who has to deliver the news of a death, tends to get emotionally impacted too. It's people wanting to talk and release their emotions. You don't realize the impact that can have upon you, whilst dealing with your own grief too. xx

There was a thread on here a few weeks ago about terminology to use re: suicide. The OP (along with others) strongly objected to the term, "took their own life."
I had never thought about it before but it's worth checking out.

Sorry for your loss and yes, I’d go with took his own life. Unfortunately my DM had to do this very recently after her best friend’s death and mainly used those words despite knowing the very upsetting details. I think you’re right to prepare yourself a little script with the words you want to say and what you’ll say if anyone asks what happened.

Yes I would tell the truth. His Mother doesn't want it kept private.
My message would be something like,
Hi ladies, I know most of you have not seen or kept in touch with Sarah Smith from xyz school for some years, so you might not have heard the awful news that her son Bill died suddenly at the weekend. Her address is xyz in case you would like to send her a card or flowers and I will share funeral details when I have them.

Inevitably, they will ask what happened. At which point I would say, I don't have all the details and don't want to ask too many questions at this stage but his Mother did tell me he very sadly ended his own life.

If his Mum has said she wants people to know how he died, she may be planning to advocate suicide prevention/support at the funeral in some way, perhaps ask everyone to wear a certain colour or donate to a charity or something.
How very, very sad for them all.

We were told that had lost their battle with mental health

His parents wanted people to know it wasn't a choice.

Sorry for the arsehole on here.

Personally I would be mentioning that the cause of death was suicide, something along the lines of 'X tragically died suddenly, having taken his own life'. Yes, it's awkward, but why should severe mental health be covered up. That poor young lad just have felt that this was his only way out, and there is no reason at all that it should be covered up ike some shameful secret. Neither he nor his parents should feel any sort of shame or embarrassment. He was unwell just like someone with cancer is, but sadly help didn't get to him in time, just as chemo doesn't always work. It's the reaction after that counts.

I think you need to brush up on your reading comprehension skills. The OP was perfectly clear.