What's the most awful thing your parent has said or done?

[Clueless2024]

Lots of posts about family estrangement on MN. What is the worst thing your parent has said or done, what was the straw that broke the camels back?

I'll start. My mum called me a "murderer" for having a miscarriage. Like I had a choice in the matter. She also once asked me why I couldn't just "turn a blind eye" when I discovered my DH was cheating.

Both said so many terrible things to me over the years. I’d started having mental health problems when I was 7. I had to go to therapy,have awful physical tests and life was crap from there. By the time I was 17 I was a wreck. Couldn’t leave the house,panic attacks,eating disorders,the list went on. Always wondered what was wrong with me and why I was like this. A friend of mine started spending time with me at home. One day she said to me “are your parents always like this with you?” I didn’t know what she meant. My parents would treat and speak to me terribly. Massively critical,try to make me look stupid in front of other people,I couldn’t do anything right. Of course to me it was normal as I didn’t know any different. Eventually I asked my mum why,particularly my father,was like this with me. It all came out that when I was born my father hated me for taking my mum away from him. He clearly never got over it and it continued throughout my life. Strangely he was always fine with my younger sibling. He’s a bit better now but it’s still there. I’ve never mentioned it

Told me at 14 that she was sad that she couldn't do mother daughter things with me like other mums, but that she just couldn't bond with me properly because of her relationship with her own mum and that she wished she'd had another son instead as she bonded with him straight away as she was close with her dad.

I think it was worse because she didn't even seem to be trying to be nasty. It was just her explanation when I asked her if we could paint our nails together.

Told me she wished she'd never had children. Told me she hated me. Called me "Spotty Muldoon" as a teen (I had awful acne and was terribly self conscious about it).

My dad has never SAID anything awful but his actions spoke louder. When I was 8 or 9 we were on a country walk (me, little brother and Dad) when two big farm dogs came running and barking at us. He turned tail and ran, leaving me and small brother to run and try and get over a stile alone while he was safely away. I love my dad, but it's a memory that I can never really forgive.

Getting his shotgun out, loading it in front of me and telling me he was going to kill himself and it would be my fault because I had attempted suicide a few weeks before and I needed to know what he had been through. (I did try to call the police, but he pulled the phone out of the wall, my mum thought it would be a good idea to try and wrestle the gun off him while it was loaded. She didn’t leave him after that, there was another similar incident with my sisters after I left home)
its an ancient story now but my brain is still so disorganised when I think of it. Life was crazy then. I went NC with him, he died last year

’I wish I’d never had you. Your sisters are fine but I wish I’d never had you.’ Aged 7.

’I’m cleverer than you, you’re thick and will never achieve anything in your life’ Age 10 onwards (top of my class, perfect marks/reports)

Knowingly leaving me with a paedophile they employed who had already abused my older sister.

Knocking my front tooth out aged 15, and telling me I was ‘exaggerating’ when I said I needed them to take me to a dentist.

Telling me I had embarrassed them because ‘everyone was talking about them’ when an ex-boyfriend broke my ribs, dislocated my shoulder and stamped on my head. We’d ‘had a little argument and he’d knocked me about a bit, what’s the problem?’

Oh, and my favourite, ‘You look fat in your wedding dress, look at all that flesh spilling over.’ 9st and a size 8/10.

Just a little snapshot, there are millions more.

Oh plenty:

I only had you because your Grandma wanted grandkids

I wish I’d never moved here / had kids

You always love your youngest more (I’m the eldest)

Why does this always happen to me? (I got sick and had a breakdown as a teen)

Didn’t come to my Masters graduation because she was a bit busy at work that day (she’s admin, not a brain surgeon) and Dad couldn’t come because she didn’t want him leaving the dog

Nothing too traumatic but a general pattern of emotional absence.

My mother called me a whore when I was 19. I’d had two sexual partners.

I suffered a life changing accident (possible neglect) as a child that left me scarred for life and even now she shares how it was the worst time of her life - I was a toddler and have no recollection of the incident but live with the consequences everyday.

Grew up in a dv household my first memory was being on holiday and waking up and him telling me to go back to bed as he was going to have sex with dm even though she didn’t want to - obviously I didn’t know what that meant at the time - I was 4. Being encouraged at 14 to have a relationship with an adult so they could have the weekends to themselves while in stayed with him. When I had to
have emergency surgery and a blood transfusion after a MMC being told how unreasonable I was not calling them to let them know before I had surgery and how much upset I had caused them. For some reason i tried to maintain a relationship with dm as I know she hasn’t had it easy but he gained more control during lockdown so we are now low contact and can only speak when he is around, I still blame myself for this and have a really distorted view of what makes a good relationship. I hope that I have broken the dv cycle for my kids.

This sickens me. I'm so so sorry for you having to endure this. Hugs.

Straddled my chest when I was 10, pinning my arms to my side with her legs whilst she used one had to cover my mouth and the other to pinch my nose. Then watched as I struggled to fight her off to breathe.

You have the power to tell him that you understand what is going on and if he ever does that again, you won't get involved.

Or the time she strangled me against a door so hard she picked me up off the floor and my legs were dangling.

Or the time she lost it whilst hitting me and bit me.

When I was 16 and looking for my first part time job (in M&S) my mother looked at me and said ‘ah well they take people with Down syndrome in there so you never know you might get something.

full disclosure I am an advocate and volunteer 30 years later and have no issue with disability. But it was just my mothers tone and she knew what she meant. She had no education and I went onto get a Masters

My mum told me she wished I was dead and had never had never been born, I was about 7. She also used to regularly threaten to kill herself so I never knew if she would be dead when I woke up. She wonders why I have mental health issues and others wonder why I have little to do with her now.....

Too right they aren't!

My dad said" I don't know why you bother with a solicitor , give him the house ( my abusive ex husband and father of v young children) "you will be housed by the council anyway ......"

My mother repeatedly told me she wished I'd never been born. I do know now she suffered badly with post-natal depression and was admitted to a 'mental hospital' (as she put it) so I try not to let it get to me so much. But I didn't understand that as a child or teenager and it definitely affected my self esteem. I thought I must be a monster.

My list is endless, so here goes:

Told me at 18 my looks would fade and no one would want me

Shrugged her shoulders when I told her I had a tumour (luckily it was benign)

Took great pleasure in telling family ex husband had hit me and would always back it up with “there must have been a reason” he did it

When I divorced in my 30’s more or less said I was a lost cause, will never have a baby and to take a child each from my siblings to raise as my own! (I remarried and had my baby in my 40’s)

Constantly called me names way up until my late 30’s because she didn’t want me getting divorced

Kicked me at my lowest points when we lost dad, I was made redundant, going through divorce and she offered no comfort

One of my awful memories as a teen is her dragging me off the sofa by my legs (because I disagreed with something she said) my top riding up whilst she dragged me way into the kitchen, the shame and embarrassment I felt as my brother was in the room

I often wonder why she had children

when i get told they wished they had aborted me, my mum told me to make sure i don't eat too much when i was trying to recover from
anorexia, suicide baited by said mother, my dad told me my mum had died disliking me and that there was nothing i can ever do to rectify that, being told that the devil is in me.

Being sexually abused from age 4 to 14 by my dad. Daily. Then when I disclosed it to my mum she blamed me for being his favourite.

I am sending a warm, comforting hug for everyone who has faced abuse from their parents. They do not define you.

My mother was a classic narcissist and I would be here all year if I tried to list what she did.

But the thing that sticks out to me was how, in her will, she left me (and my siblings) a letter that went into excruciating detail about how terribly disappointing we all were to her, collectively and individually.

I thought it was predictable, yet sad that she would reach out - literally from the grave - to make sure that we all felt inadequate and belittled by her, even after death.

I always feel like puking when I see people trot out the “parents want the best for their children” often they really fucking don’t. I see lots of excuses for neglect on MN in an effort not to judge. I do, I fucking judge hard. I had a shit childhood, have DC of my own now so yeah I judge because I know how little of a shit some people actually give about their kids, some actively viscerally hate their children.

People really struggle with that but unless you’ve been on the receiving and thinking maybe if you were just better, prettier, smarter your parents would love you then you have no idea of the damage it wreaks.

I'm sending hugs to ye all..none of us deserved to be treated like that.

Mine was... what have I ever done in life to deserve a child like you and would list all the things she hasn't done (like murder) and still ended up with a child like me.

This is horrific! Your Mum is a complete Bitch. So sad for you that you went through all that with no support from the person who is supposed to love you more than anyone else in the world.