What's the most awful thing your parent has said or done?

[Clueless2024]

Lots of posts about family estrangement on MN. What is the worst thing your parent has said or done, what was the straw that broke the camels back?

I'll start. My mum called me a "murderer" for having a miscarriage. Like I had a choice in the matter. She also once asked me why I couldn't just "turn a blind eye" when I discovered my DH was cheating.

I remember being a bit naughty, low level back chat kinda things I was 12. She said 'I'm so sick of you I'll just go and hang myself shall I?'

I have never forgot it. It really impacted me and made me feel so unsafe and dysregulated around her.

My sister had died the year previous. I get it, she had lost her daughter and was struggling. But so was I.

My father always told me I was a liability.

He wasn't the most emotionally intelligent of men, something best illustrated when my mum died, it was all about his wife dying, rather than acknowledging that I had lost my mother too.

At best, my dad just wasn't interested in me or who I was as a person, let alone as his daughter. While that's not awful per se, it's still difficult to come to terms with. I often feel dreadful for feeling like this about him. I just don't think he knew any better.

It's rather cathartic to write that down. Thank you.

Mine was the same. He once said to me that he didn’t know any of his children at all. So whose fault was that?

Both my daughters ruined my life by being born.

I hope that their children batter them in old age.

Said this to another family member.

This is going to sound really pathetic but it got me down today. Despite the previous issues with my mother (mainly) I have tried to maintain a good, if not somewhat damaged relationship.

I have quite a shit home life and looking like I am going to divorce soon so was keen to escape that for a while. Arrived at their house today to be asked 'why am I so early, I really wasn't expecting you this early, why did you have to turn up right now?'
I was 30 mins ahead of schedule

I'm nc with my 'mum'. These are some of the things she's done:-

Took me to meet her boyfriend when I was thirteen and told me not to tell my dad (still married/ pretending to be happily married). Then following made me answer the phone to him/ take messages.

When my parents split up said I was the reason they couldn't get back together.

Pretended to have cancer.

I became pregnant as a teen and wanted a termination. She offered to buy the baby and raise it as her own with her boyfriend as she was to old to have a baby with him. The morning of the appointment we were late because she was In bed with him.

I was going through a really difficult time with my mental health and had split up with my son’s dad and was feeling really vulnerable. I asked if I could go and stay with my parents for a few nights until I got on an even keel and my mum said ‘where would I put you?’ Bearing in mind they lived in a big house with a few reception rooms. All I wanted was to feel safe and supported.

I’m over it now but it affected me for a very long time. Especially when it was compounded by the fact they had my cousins to live with them for a while after a traumatic time. I don’t begrudge that of course, my cousins were children but they couldn’t even have me and my son for a few nights’ sleepover.

Told me i was too bossy, i should stop being so assertive (its really put me back and affected my self esteem)

also, when i was ~13/14 she would make comments about my puppy fat stage (i wasnt fat) and point out to whoever was in the room my fat rolls (which looking back were Fairly normal!). Set me up for a starving myself/binge eating disorder, ive always struggled with my weight

Never could bring herself to be happy for me. Any achievements were never celebrated. Lots of put downs

I have been NC with my dad for a few years now - on the back of guidance from a psychiatrist.

The most peaceful, anxiety free years of my whole life and I don't feel sad about it, which is ironically sad in itself.

I miss who he was when I was a child, but as I got older and got my own mind, it wasn't well received.

❤️ to all.
We can't change the past but we can stop this repeating into future generations.

You are all strong amazing people who are loved and are special.
Remember that always.❤

Deliberately set out to destroy my self confidence throughout my childhood.

Asked father later in life why he did it and I was told it was because my sister had to stand in my shadow and it levelled us up

Many years ago when I told my mum I was upset because my boyfriend kept urging me to have sex, she said " You should let him, men expect it."

This thread is horrific. I can only read a few at a time. I posted earlier a tiny bit as didn't want to think about it.

Some of your stores are just heartbreaking and it is making me question my situation. I always thought it was worse to be abandoned by my parents and brought up in foster homes and children homes with the former being horrible and abusive. I'm wondering if actually, for you all who lived with your parents and had this abuse, actually had a worse time as it was your parents inflicting it and not foster carers.

Slothmonkey - The only pathetic thing I see here are your parents.

It's not your fault that you are related to a pair of face aches.

I'm so sorry this thread is really awful.
I honestly can't think of a horrible thing my folks have done. I know that makes me very lucky.

This post really helps..
It sounds stupid but for so long my parents told me I was over reacting about things they said and did because "all families have their disagreements and no one is perfect". It took me a very long time to realise that, actually, in most families, parents don't go out their way to be gratuitously nasty to their children and that it's more normal to like your parents than not. I remember when I was at university being amazed that some of my peers actually wanted to go home and visit their parents because they enjoyed spending time with them.

I'm hoping that one positive of the rise of social media is that children from toxic backgrounds are able to recognise it as such, much earlier.

This thread has been a harrowing and upsetting read .

But I can honestly say that, some of the most admirable traits in a person would be strength, determination and the courage to go on, no matter what life throws at you.

Everyone of ye have that, not only in spades but with socks on.

That if I'd phoned when I was meant to they would have stopped arguing and spoke to me instead of arguing and her stabbing him through his heart and killing him. My mum and stepdad. Over thirty years ago and the trauma, grief and guilt is still with me every single day.

I remember when I was at university being amazed that some of my peers actually wanted to go home and visit their parents because they enjoyed spending time with them
I can relate to this, I avoided mine like the plague.

You are. You've told us what has gone on. This will sound flippant but try it.

Decide to be brave. Go on. Right now. Say I am brave. I have a rainbow supporting me and all around me. I want to be brave. I can be brave. I will be brave. I am brave.

I AM.

🌈

I hope so too @redskydarknight 💛

So so many
And the enabling of a man abusing me too

When you get a healthy relationship believe them when they tell you that you have been abused

And never ever think other people are just lucky, they have had happy, healthy families

It's not lucky, it's normal. When you come from a toxic background you normalise and excuse the abnormal and you blame yourself.

@bittertwisted and all of you who have posted on this thread.💐💐💐💔💔.

It amazes, no astounds me, that there are restrictions imposed on how old you can be before you buy alcohol, or buy cigarettes, or get a tattoo, or vote, Or get a driving permit. Yet anyone can get pregnant from, say 12 onwards and raise a child. Some people should not and do not deserve to be parents, yet anyone can.

This will never happen, but I strongly believe people should have to have a "license" prior to having children.

I am truly shocked and saddened by all these posts! I'm sorry I haven't replied to each and every one who commented, but I thank you for you candor and bravery sharing your stories.

I sincerely hope you have all overcome the trauma and are living your best lives, free from these awful people who don't deserve the title "parent". I hope light is shining down on all of you x

Absolutely this.

I swore black and blue I'd be nothing like my awful mother, I would not recycle and repeat the abuse and horrible tendencies my narcissistic mother displayed.

Every day, its tough, making different choices. But I do it because I won't subject my kids to what I went through.