Could dd children be taken away

[Ffs2077]

I'm going to try and keep it in a nut shell.

Dd has had long term involvement from social services. It was triggered by DV. It was for around 3.5 years . It went from PLO to child protection. And they closed the case about 5 ish months ago.

There was a dv issue with her current ex . There was a merlin report . Social services made contact told dd she done the right thing etc. He was on bail until 1st July. But have not heard anything dd told me that a social worker has been working with her current ex they are going put things in place to manage his anger and mental health issues . And sw said she can see he wants to put things right and help himself and he realises what he done was wrong. (I don't believe that)

Last I knew Gs school attendance was 66%
School said they were going to have a meeting but when dd approached them on Monday. They said keep bring him in and we will see how it gos so meeting never happened..

But this morning dd has told me she's in so much pain in her chest she can barely move. She's had a heavy cough/cold so think that's why . She took pain killers. Around 8.15 she tells me pain is easing . I tell her I will pay for an uber hoping to get GS into school not to much later than he should be. But yet at 9.50 she's still not orded .

School have told me that because she has recent social services services involvement . GS can end uo on a CP plan pretty fast. Because of his attendance.

Incase realivent dd has: emotional unstable personality disorder, Ptsd, and bipolar.

I'm absolutely worried sick that her kids could be taken.

Social services are (not ) currently involved. There was brief contact due to merlin report... no case open ... yes 66% percent attendance if awful totally agree that does not mean his other needs are not being met.
But I totally agree it is a concern.

Non factual ... you can't just tell me I can't do that because I have other care responsibilities. social service try their best to keep children within the family. If social services felt I was not capable I would not have been included in past care plans. When PLO was in place. The children were to come to me of the shut hit the fan.

Why don't I care for GS because there's no care plans in place . I can't just go and take them it does not work like that .

It's when people talk as if things are fact when they are not . When people assume instead of ask . When people put little digs in when thru don't Need to . It gains nothing it's of no help .

I agree. That's partly why I spoke to safe guarding at the school yesterday. I have tried so hard with dd. I feel like there's nothing more i cam do for her. So I Need to focus on the children more .

Your daughter must have had an absolutely terrible childhood to have developed EUPD.

Did you also know, that a LOT of women have an EUPD label when they're actually undiagnosed autistic. Don't assume.

He would go back on child protection, and if no improvement they start PLO process and next step removal.
your dd needs to sort herself out for the sake of the child

Thank you. Dd actually had a good childhood

Yes, I am very aware of that being autistic myself.

But there is something in the tone of OPs post that made me post my initial comment.

They may remove him and it might be for the best. If DD insists on continuing the relationship with her partner, who you say has MH and anger issues, despite her previous history of DV, DGS needs to be elsewhere - that is not a safe or healthy environment for him. Your daughter is not putting her son first, someone has to. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

Look, his educational needs are not being met. He’s living with a mother with mental health needs and - for whatever reason - she cannot manage to get him to school. I get that she is unwell and I’m not judging her because mental illness is hard. The simple fact is that she is struggling with her mental health and it does impact DC when parental mental ill health is not well managed.

If you had no children and no responsibilities, you would be able to do more to help your grandson practically e.g. physically taking him to school. I know you shouldn’t have to and of course your daughter should be doing this, she’s the parent. I’m not saying you should fully care for the children but you have a lot on your plate! It’s not a criticism; of course your own children need to be prioritised and your adult DD should be prioritising hers.

You asked could social care remove the DC and given the history with your daughter, it is a possibility. I hope, for the sake of you all, this isn’t the case but she needs to make changes for the sake of the DC. I hope she is getting some help and support, not just from you as you have your own life too.

To be honest I am having 2nd thoughts about the school situation. The reasons I was thinking no im not doing it is because I didn't want to hand things on a plate to her. Also when I mentioned it to the school they said she needs to do things for herself. Also we leave the house at 7.30. To collect gs we would have to leave by 7am.

But im also understanding the point of getting gs to school.

Do you think it’s temporary or do you think DD will be able to sort things out and manage in other ways? This could potentially be a Long-Term commitment if you start now, how old is your grandson? It isn’t your responsibility to get him to school. If she is in a short term crisis and getting help, then I can see why you’d help but you could potentially be committing to this forever?!

I'm a bit confused. I kond if feel like your saying that dd us not getting him to school abd he needs to be there . Although not ideal maybe you should step in if you can.. that's hiw I'm reading what you said in your last post .

Then in this one I'm reading. Is it really such a good idea to take him to school. Either way I'm very torn . He's 6

Ultimately he does need to be there but it’s not your responsibility, it’s hers. You have your own children to consider but if you didn’t, it would be different. Only you can decide if the extra 30 mins in the morning would impact upon them….and you.

I suppose I am saying “is DD in crisis and is this temporary?” or is this part of a bigger picture of her struggling? Would she begin to over rely on you if you start doing the school run? I am not asking you to answer but it is something to think about.

I will give it some thought over the weekend.

School are definitely not impressed. I think they are going to kick butt pretty soon.

Let’s just take the school thing. Your GS needs to attend full time. Your DD for whatever reason can’t manage that at the moment, and it doesn’t seem likely that she is going to improve enough with a short space of time, maybe I am wrong you will know better on that. Assuming she can’t raise her involvement enough, then something else has to be put in place, because while I understand you might be concerned about what messages you’re sending to your daughter, your GS can’t be a casualty of that. He needs to get to school.

It seems a bit silly for you to be trying to get the kids to all different schools from different homes etc. How do you think it would be for you, and DD, if your GS were to stay with you during the week and be with his mum at weekends. That way you could present it to GS as his mum wanting to be with him, but because she isn’t well and can’t get him to school it makes more sense for him to be somewhere where you can do that. I understand you probably don’t want DD to feel that her child is being taken, but is there any way she could be on board with that and see it as support? Is there anything she could as her part of the deal to focus on improving her health during the week?

They all go to the same school.

With the staying situation I would have to explore things a bit. My 2 youngest 8/9 do get on with him. But sometimes it feels a bit much for them. One is autistic and he really values hus chill time.

But he does share a room with them when he stays . I could actually give him his own room so that may make a big difference if I did do it i would only want to do it a couple times a week. At least for now.

I will give it some thought for definite.

I really admire how thoughtful you’re being about this and how you’ve taken people’s comments (I agree some were unnecessarily harsh).

Quite a skill that is. Able to make a pretty large judgment like that based on a tone of a written post.

Thank you. I deleted what I was going to say. I think its best I just say Thank you 💐

I think maybe it's because I replied to a couple of comments that felt off. I'm not sure though

I don't have experience of EUPD, just anxiety and Autism. I wondering if she perceives the need to get DGS to school as pressure and if like people with anxiety/ÀSD that pressure could be counter productive. Sometimes when my DD is struggling badly its because of the pressure she puts on herself to get things right which can actually be paralysing.

What I might suggest if my DD was in this situation is that DGS stays regularly for say 3 nights, Sunday - Wednesday, so take him to school Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, then Wednesday she does pick up after school and she gets him to school two days. Even if she only manages one regularly and 2 occasionally he'd have around 80% attendance.

Right now you have reactive support so if she's struggling she goes to you, you support, give a break, take DGS to school. If she was getting a regular break proactively it might enable her to reduce the overwhelm/burnout she's feeling (assuming that is what's going on). The idea from the start would be that she slowly steps up and does more so DGS will over some set period will go back to her full time care. The reasons I picked those nights is she gets a break after the weekend then has the energy to get him to school the other two days. It still leaves her doing the majority care of him, but it gives him some stability and better attendance at school.

Sounds a little bit like my situation with my ex. She had personality disorders and mental health issues. She couldn't cope with the children despite us having shared care, nearly 50/50. Multiple incidents occurred (all while the children were with their mother, or due to go back to her) and SS got referred several times. They kept opening cases and then closing them on the grounds that the kids weren't at risk because "whenever mum has a MH incident, dad temporarily steps in and has the kids full time".

Of course I'm going to step up and have my kids more when necessary. It was painful enough witnessing the continuous low level neglect their mother was inflicting on them. But it was impossible for me to work around that - ex knew that whenever she self harmed, or went on an alcohol bender, I was there to pickup the pieces. Now with official endorsement/instruction by ss. I think it actually developed into a form of control over me - ex would find out or suspect when I had made plans for my child free time, and lo and behold she'd have an incident and I'd have to cancel everything at the drop of a hat. Then a couple of weeks later when she's feeling better, the kids would go back. And, just to rub it in, while the kids were temporarily living with me I was having to keep paying child maintenance to her.

I'd made it clear to ss that I was prepared to have the kids full time, but as they didn't consider them to be at risk of harm (because of my intervention), they wouldn't support that, despite acknowledging neglect by their mother. I got legal advice and the solicitor's exact words were that it was pointless for me to apply for custody because ss were ok with the kids being in mum's care. That I should save my money and focus on the co parenting relationship.

In the end, when another of these incidents occurred, I actually had to turn round to ss and say I wouldn't have my own kids (obviously I backed down after making the initial point). Suddenly ss changed tack completely, and went from a program of 'how can we support mum', to requesting dad has the kids full time and insisting I apply to family court for full custody.

You don't know at what point ss will change attitude with your daughter, but it's quite likely that they'll go from nicely, nicely, softly, softly, to suddenly saying "kids are at risk we need to get them out of there".

You keep saying other needs are being met e.g. fed and clean but the families I know of who concern us most as a school often have well
turned out children (or seem to be) because they know they’ll get judged on appearance.

Any child who has 66% attendance is being neglected. Days, weeks, months not at school is so desperately sad for the child.

No.

My sister has a lot of issues. She has substance abuse issues and she has told me she is getting a diagnosis for bipolar. She is a really difficult person to be quite frank, I love her but she is, and she lacks self awareness. She cannot care for her children and to be honest, and I say this as an observer of the situation, they have just never been a priority in her life. She has a history of abusive relationships and therein lies the downfall for her children, as she prioritises men over their needs.

I am not like that at all, my brother is not like that. My mum was a good example, worked, was not abusive or anything and definitely not neglectful, we had everything.

It really is not an indicator that you have automatically come from an awful home.