Could dd children be taken away

[Ffs2077]

I'm going to try and keep it in a nut shell.

Dd has had long term involvement from social services. It was triggered by DV. It was for around 3.5 years . It went from PLO to child protection. And they closed the case about 5 ish months ago.

There was a dv issue with her current ex . There was a merlin report . Social services made contact told dd she done the right thing etc. He was on bail until 1st July. But have not heard anything dd told me that a social worker has been working with her current ex they are going put things in place to manage his anger and mental health issues . And sw said she can see he wants to put things right and help himself and he realises what he done was wrong. (I don't believe that)

Last I knew Gs school attendance was 66%
School said they were going to have a meeting but when dd approached them on Monday. They said keep bring him in and we will see how it gos so meeting never happened..

But this morning dd has told me she's in so much pain in her chest she can barely move. She's had a heavy cough/cold so think that's why . She took pain killers. Around 8.15 she tells me pain is easing . I tell her I will pay for an uber hoping to get GS into school not to much later than he should be. But yet at 9.50 she's still not orded .

School have told me that because she has recent social services services involvement . GS can end uo on a CP plan pretty fast. Because of his attendance.

Incase realivent dd has: emotional unstable personality disorder, Ptsd, and bipolar.

I'm absolutely worried sick that her kids could be taken.

But if I’m reading your post correctly, @KreedKafer is right and the children have been exposed to DV with two different men (though like a pp I’m confused about what a ‘current ex’ is)?

I think the issue is that you want her to step up to the plate and parent the child that she chose to have. Only the reality is that she can't be a capable parent, isn't ever going to be a capable parent and the only person suffering the consequences of this is that child.

Honestly, if you can't step in then you need to get SS involved yourself and look at a care placement for your grandson. He deserves better than a Mum who can't be bothered to get him to school but can pick her phone up and post on social media. Doesn't he?

Your GS is the most important person here, and what is best for him.
If your DD can’t cope and can’t get him to school and you seem reluctant to step in to help too (and only help within your boundaries), then why do you fear him being taken away by SS? That maybe what’s in his best interests, and could be the best for him. It can’t be worse than what he has, which is hardly ever being in school while his mother is suffering with her mental health. It sounds like he needs more than you as a family are able to give.
Your DD isn’t going to magically wake up one day and transform into a reliable mother. She’s had long enough to turn things around. Your choice is either to take your GS yourself, or wait for the inevitable intervention.
It all sounds very hard.

If Op starts to regularly take her GS to school-of course that will help him.

It's not a long term solution though is it if it is difficult for Op to do?

She might as well just have her GS live with her to make getting him to school easier!

How does your daughter get him to school Op?

I work in Safeguarding. The child is the priority here, and I agree with other posters. That level of attendance is a massive red flag, where DV and neglect can play a massive part, you may not know everything that goes on behind closed doors and there could be a very nasty reason the child is not being sent to school. Social workers need to put the child back under a CP plan as soon as to protect this poor child

I'm wondering if they are worried about Op and her other children who go to the same school as GC - the adult child requiring so much help is probably impacting on them all.

Also perhaps the OP is in offering support hiding from SS how bad her DD parenting has become - if she steps back SS may see the real picture and step in quicker - thus helping the CG.

So while I agree HT can't tell OP what to do perhaps they have a view of the whole family and situation and think SS intervention is needed.

I know OP no-one wants SS involvement but it really may be best here as attendance is really poor and you can't really do much about it as your influence on DD is so limited - either SS can get more support for your DD or a give a kick up the arse if that's needed - the bar to remove children is really high but if that is needed for your GC well being - a court will decide this and they do favour family first placements - and if he ends up with you at least you'd get him to school giving him a better future.

This child is being neglected. A mother who cannot manage to get her child to school (assuming no EBSA / SEND for the child) is neglecting the child unless he is being home educated.
I suspect there is more going on than meets the eye.

In my experience, ss can change tack very quickly - they can go from appearing to support a struggling/failing parent to a 'kids need to be removed' in the blink of an eye. It'll likely be a straw that breaks the camels back rather than a major incident.

To be brutally honest I think it would be in this child's best interests to be under someone else's care. Sounds like you might be in a position to take on that role? If so it might be worth contacting ss yourself to make them aware that is an option. The bar for taking children away from their family is quite high, I don't know, but it might be lower if ss are aware they could go into a grandparent's care.

Also are you suggesting that dd is considering taking back her 'current ex' partner?? That would certainly put the kids at higher risk, even if ss aren't thinking/saying that openly.

@kittensinthekitchen I quantified my comment about 66% attendance in an earlier message by saying that unless there are long term health issues or school based anxiety, then 66% attendance is neglect (or something like that). The message you picked up on was based on this person's circumstances.

I absolutely accept that for a small number of children, 66% attendance can be a great achievement!

But I find it so hard when she says she's so ill she can't get gs to school the next thing she's pissing about on social media. And that's litterly within 20 mins of telling me.
Ill piss about on SM when my pain or anxiety are overwhelming. It can be used to distract yourself from what you're going through. I wouldnt assume she was faking/lying/manipating because of this behaviour.

Are you saying that your dd usually drives her dc to school but today was too ill? What is the reason for her not taking them for the 34 percent of time, is it usually to do with illness? Or other reasons? And how old are the dc? And how close do you all live and how close to the school do you live, and how close does she live, in terms of miles? Sorry, lots of questions. Just wondering if one of us could come up with a solution once all the practicalities were known

Yes she is an adult but putting the dc's needs first, you want to be helping her get through this, you don't want dc removed or a kinship arrangement formalised, is that right?

OP, kindly, I feel it would be best if DC were removed from DD's care

If DD isn't even able to get your GS to school, what else is he missing? Meals?

Perhaps her losing GS would be the wake up call that she needs to realise how badly she needs to get her shit together

Likely has a genetic predisposition to addiction and ended up meeting the wrong people. My cousin was the same, her dad a multimillionaire, she had a very middle class upbringing in a beautiful home, had a job she loved. Was prescribed sleeping pills because of a difficult situation with a family member, got addicted to those, they sent her to rehab, she met a heroin addict in there, died of a heroin overdose when she came out.

Thank you. I did partly wonder that to. It's so hard because obe mean I feel like omg she's a prick she needs to get her kid to school. The next i go to but maybe it is actually hard for her and there stuff I just dont fully understand. I ended up fighting with myself about the situation.

I think you’ve gone above and beyond for your daughter and grandson.
But this isn’t a new problem and he’s a lot of years ahead of him. If he’s missing school now he'll miss secondary school and wandering kids are a target for drug and crime gangs.
I’d be very suspicious of the violent partner who’s reforming according to a social worker. He could be very manipulative.
I think you need to take a long term view of this and either dgs lives with you, you claim child benefit and any other allowances or you back SS for him to go into care, probably to foster carers.
I have experience , albeit some years ago, of parents who had so much SS input they basically stopped doing anything for themselves and their children. One wouldn’t open official looking letters unless her social worker came to the house and opened them with her.

@Ffs2077 I think you’re not ready to recognise that your daughter may not or probably won’t improve enough to be able to care for your grandchild.

This is why people are asking if you would be willing to do so. Not as an occasional support that allows your daughter to avoid stepping up. But the more likely case that the child will need to be removed.

My primary age DD has really bad anxiety and even as someone who has anxiety myself I still struggle with this. Am I pushing too hard or not enough, is this anxiety or a physical illness, did I do the right thing getting her to school when she was having an anxiety meltdown, did I do the thing keeping her home and on and on. It is such a hard thing to navigate and you don't know what's going on inside their body and brain, even your DD likely doesn't fully understand what's going on inside her brain and body. Mental health struggles and PDs can be very cruel to those suffering from them and also to those that care for and love them.

Sorry I know I have mot been clear on that. But yes 100% I would.

The on a nut shell plan agreed with professionals has been.

If you feel mentally unwell... go to your mums .

If need a break from kids ... take them to mums .

If you feel you can't be alone go to mums .

Do things for (you ) .... mum baby sit.

If you don't feel safe ... go mums

Everything is ask mum...

I'm trying to say ss are happy with the care gs gets from me . So it's likely they would look at me if the shit hit the fan

You sound like a very caring mum and grandmother. But sadly people like your daughter should not have children. What sort of stability is she providing them. She sounds totally incompetent. Heartbreaking for you though.

So does she not take gs because she is genuinely unwell or for another reason? If she needs to just take him downstairs what is the actual issue? The trouble can be the more help is offered the less she does towards accepting it.

Does she need to be ready to accompany him, is he the only gc? Did she attend regularly when in education, is she wary of being late and being judged so does not bother to leave, does he resist getting ready? If he is otherwise well looked after and his needs met it is unlikely ss would look at removing him but may ask for more family support and her engagement with parenting groups. Be realistic about what you can offer and have firm boundaries.

I agree with you, @LizzieBennett73 - it is so sad for @Ffs2077, but this is the reality, and her grandchild has got to be the priority.

Honestly?

If you are running around to the extent you are, your kids go to the same school and your grandson is losing out I'd just talk to social services and your daughter about how the current situation is untenable and how it would be better for all parties for him to go live with you.

Facilitate this, rather than let it get to a distressing situation where he is potentially forcefully removed and put into care with a third party before you can step in and intervene.

I'm sorry to read this OP, you sound very caring. I can't understand why a social worker is not continuing with regular visits given the situation hasn't improved & your dd has mental health issues. You are right to be concerned. I would call social services & suggest she has a weekly visit, preferably when the children are around. They should also be liaising with the school & keeping track on school attendance. Communication is so important in cases like this 💐

It sounds as though the children might be better off living apart from her. 66% attendance is abysmal how will he ever hold down a job at that level.

See I get what your saying but i was not sure if its the case because of her history of social services being involved. And yes I was sort of worried the more I do the less she will do.

Her own attendance was fine. Sge never really missed school she would have been heigh 90s for attendance.