Found half sister on ansestory my mum is livid. WDID??

[Secretlysurviving]

My dad had a kid when he was a kid. Back then no DNA tests were about and to be honest he never knew!! There were whisper and rumours but they were denied by my sisters mother!!
FOURTY YEARS later we join ansestory and we find one another. Since then we met up my dad met her but my mum is furious.
She has fallen out with my dad because he met her and she's fallen out with me for meeting up with my sister too.
My mum and dad are married and built a life together with many kids. Been together since late teens/early 20 and now almost 70 so I get why my mum is hurt but I'm annoyed she's making me feel like I am having an affair or something!
I like my sister, we get on but it's causing drama for my mother and father. I didn't tell my mum I went to see her last week but she found out somehow and now point blank refuses to acknowledge me. WTF do I do??

So he had a child before he met your mum? I understand her being upset about not being told about meeting up, he should have told her but she can’t be annoyed about his wanting to meet her.
Your mum must feel out of the loop, you’re her family and she wants to know but she can’t be angry with you wanting a relationship with the half sister

Personally I feel it's not really any of your mums business what you do. You're an adult and you can meet another adult whenever you choose. I'd give it to her straight , sorry mum that you don't like the situation but Mary is my sister and I want a relationship with her, you can accept it or not but either way I will continue contact.

Just keep the lines of communication open. She’s being unreasonable but is stuck mentally. This isn’t worth losing your relationship with your mom over, so just ring her once a week until she softens.. you don’t know what went on all those years ago, and maybe it’s stirred up old pain, or failure, or shame..

Didn’t you talk about this to your mum before going to meet her? And what about your dad? No wonder she’s upset!

LOVE THIS!!
I have done exactly this but she's just acting like a bloody child

i Get why she is angry at your dad. He would have known. It wasn’t the dark ages. He chose to pretend she wasn’t his.

Was the child born before or after your Mum and Dad met? If after then I can see why she is a bit upset because clearly your dad cheated on her. If it was before your parents met then I think your mum might be feeling left out, you and your dad have met someone related to you and it has been a positive, but to your mum it's just unsettling. I'd give her time to come round. Does she think people are making out she's been fooling or naive not to know something about it all this time?

She shouldn’t be angry at you though you can meet who you want to

I think I typed this wrong. So basically she knew my dad met her. She was fine. But the morning of her knowing I met her for the first time she turned furious. She said she didn't want to know anything about my sister after this. So I didn't tell her I met her again because she said she didn't want to know

Is drama and falling out with people common for your mother?

If so, then ignore and carry on.

If it's unusual then wait a bit of time and try to talk to he again.

However it's none of her business if you meetup with this woman. No-one is suggesting she come to Christmas dinner (hopefully)

Well you don't know what you're on about do you so calm down Jeremy Kyle.

We need to know if your dad cheated on your mum? If not then she's being unreasonable. If he did she has ore cause but ultimately she can't refuse you a relationship

My maths is bloody appalling and have just had to use my fingers for this, but if they’ve been together since their late teens/early twenties, and are now approaching 70, wouldn’t that mean they’d been together 50ish years? And you’re talking about joining Ancestry 40 years after your sister’s birth?

So your mum would have a pretty valid reason to be pissed off with your dad?

From your OP you say its been 40 years since this child was born. Your parents have been together since early 20s and now nearly 70. That's implying your Dad did cheat on your Mum. Why not confirm that fact or better explain the timeline.

None of her business? Just like that? It’s not just ‘another adult’ though is it? It’s a long lost Sister that is fathered by her husband!

Goodness me, a bit of compassion & a little understanding to your mum would go far. Especially since this was done behind her back.

Ultimately, we can see & have a relationship with whoever we want. If this relationship hurts others, I would still have it, but I would tread with empathy rather than an arrogant entitlement.

this type of thing is going to become more common as Ancestry grows. She shouldn't be behaving like this but I have sympathy for your mother as how she thought the set up of her family was has been blown out of the water.

this is why I will never join ancestry and don't want to know if anyone else finds unknown relatives.

This sort of thing would have been very much hushed up. You'd be surprised just how different it was for girls getting pregnant 50+ years ago, so it seems entirely logical he wouldn't have known about it.

Is your mum so angry because your dad cheated on her?

It’s clearly hurtful to your DM that your DF had a child with someone else. Reasonable or not, you have to decide whether she’s more important to you than a half sister you’ve just discovered.

I only ask because I think how you handle it could be different if it was as a result of him being unfaithful v if it was before they were together.

So your dad fathered this baby 5-10 years into his relationship with your mum? And there were rumours that the baby was his but he somehow didn't know anything about it?

Of course your mum is upset. Whilst you all have a right to get to know this woman, it doesn't sound like anyone has handled this with any sensitivity or respect for your mum.

The beauty of being a grown up op is you don't have to listen to your dm anymore!
So don't..

Does your mum think that your Dad is going to rekindle with the other woman now that contact has been made? Is she needing reassurance that she’s not going to be left behind?

Do the maths. From what you’ve said your dad cheated on your mum. No wonder she’s pissed.

He’d have known he cheated though wouldn’t he ?