Found half sister on ansestory my mum is livid. WDID??

[Secretlysurviving]

My dad had a kid when he was a kid. Back then no DNA tests were about and to be honest he never knew!! There were whisper and rumours but they were denied by my sisters mother!!
FOURTY YEARS later we join ansestory and we find one another. Since then we met up my dad met her but my mum is furious.
She has fallen out with my dad because he met her and she's fallen out with me for meeting up with my sister too.
My mum and dad are married and built a life together with many kids. Been together since late teens/early 20 and now almost 70 so I get why my mum is hurt but I'm annoyed she's making me feel like I am having an affair or something!
I like my sister, we get on but it's causing drama for my mother and father. I didn't tell my mum I went to see her last week but she found out somehow and now point blank refuses to acknowledge me. WTF do I do??

Which must have been at least ten years ago then, so why is it a problem for the OP in 2024? I can't work it out.

If the OP is 40 and the half-sister is older, then it makes sense, doesn't it?

My dad had a kid when he was a kid….Forty years later we join Ancestry and find each other.

As she doesn’t say she joined Ancestry 40 years after her own birth, it very much does sound like she joined Ancestry 40 years after the sister’s birth. This is the reason so many of us are debating the dates versus timeline; because neither make sense.

How does being on Ancestry.com lead you to your sister? I'm not getting it?

No, none of it makes sense with any certainty. If nothing else, it would be useful to when the start of the 40-year-later period actually was.

Somethings not right. Is it a bot who can't spell?

Yeah, it makes perfect sense if you either ignore the timeline or you ignore the dates. And if you ignore the dates, it raises more questions because she’d still know how old her sister was.

Wow and I wonder how that timeline aligns with OP's birth? Was he out (put crudely) sticking his dick into other women when his wife was pregnant or at home taking care of the baby (OP)?

Regardless of the timeline, whether cheating or pre-OP's mum, I can see why the mum is upset. OP 100% has a right to contact and befriend the love child/sister, but I think a bit more understanding and tact couldn't hurt?

I’d guess (and like every other post, it is just guesswork) that they’ve either done dna tests, or the sister managed to get the name of her father from her own mother and has done her paternal family tree. When you have a mutual relatives on your tree who are no longer alive, Ancestry alerts you to the fact that your great, great grandfather appears on three other trees and invites you to have a look if privacy settings aren’t shut down tight. And if the half sister has the same relationship to paternal grandparents that the OP has, that would alert them to the fact that they’d possibly be related.

Lots of cans, lots of worms.

Where dose it say he cheated?

it says he had a kid when he was just a kid himself. He didn’t know about the child, there were rumours the child was his but the child’s mother denied them.

At no point dose the op state her parents were together when it happened.

@AliceMcK conversely, at no point do the numbers or words add up either. It's all a finger in the wind.

OP doesn't say he cheated but it's the logical explanation for both the timings given and her mum's reaction.

I would be delighted to discover a half sibling from my father. He died over 30 years ago, and to discover a “piece” of him would be amazing. To my knowledge this isn’t going to happen, but if it did, I’d be open to meeting half sibling.
My mum would be shocked, if it was before their relationship less so. But I even think she misses him even after 30 years to discover a child would be poignant for her.

How old is the half sister?

How long have your mum and dad been together?

The lack of empathy for your mum is so sad. You are either v young or seriously lacking in emotional intelligence not to understand how difficult this must be for her.

It's up to you who you have a relationship with but it's a bit mean to drag your mum into all this. She doesn't want to know, she has told you it's upsetting for her and yet you tell her all about it. Keep her out of it - she has told you how she feels, so respect that and stop discussing it with her.

I imagine she’s upset as she’s worried about losing you, that you might prefer your sister / other family and is feeling insecure.

Maybe sit her down and say you will always be my mum, I will always love you unconditionally. Having a relationship with my half sister doesn’t not and will not affect relationship. You get on well and will continue to see her and you hope that she can accept this

It is a shock for your mum after being together so many years and thinking he was father of her kids only. She will come around eventually it will be a shock after been married for that many years anyone would be shocked. I would take it slow getting to know your sister its a big change for you all. Right now its excitement meeting another sibling but you are strangers the ancestry programmes always suggest counselling it is such a big change for your family.

Except that’s not what happened.
After her mother told OP that she didn’t want to hear more, op visited without telling her.
Someone ELSE told her and now mother is pissed off.

Do the maths. It’s not clear whether this was before they met or an extra marital affair, and the op hasn’t been back to confirm. And if both OP’s parents are similar in age then they’re both getting on aren’t they ? The ‘poor child’ wasn’t arsed before the OP found her on ancestry. Why should OP’s DM have this forced down her throat so late in life when she had no idea throughout her marriage. MN is the pits sometimes, so little empathy.

The numbers don’t add up. Her parents have been together fifty years - married since early twenties. The OP says that forty years later they found her through ancestry.

She wasn't on ancestry for nothing.... People are plucking these numbers from thin air! The OP post mentions vague ages.... and even if it was an affair, it wasn't the poor kids fault the mother needs to realise that and suck it up... its what I'd do for my own kids to know their sibling and for this kid to meet her dad finally after far to many years!

@Secretlysurvivingif OP's dad is 'nearly 70' so let's say 68. Half sister is now 40. That would mean OP's dad was 28. This is confusing because OP said her dad was a 'kid' when his eldest DD was born. I'd only class a teen as a young parent. OP says her parents married in their early 20s. The ages are confusing.

On Mumsnet you can accuse him of cheating if it was less than 10 years before you met. (Isn't reciprocal, what you got up to is your business).

Timeline and how I read it.

OPs parents met when they were late teens / 20 and are almost 70 now.
So OPs parents have been together 48/50 years approx but definitely more than 40 years.

I read that OP joined ancestry 40years after her stepsisters birth. So whilst OPs parents were married / together for approx 10 years

OP states she has many siblings which suggests that her mum was probably pregnant and bringing up kids for more than 10 years (unless there’s multiples).

So OPs mum was either pregnant, postpartum or looking after tiny kids when OPs dad had sex with someone else and that person had his kid.

No wonder she’s so upset by this and OP you and your dad really should be a little more sensitive about this. Your poor mum!