Found half sister on ansestory my mum is livid. WDID??

[Secretlysurviving]

My dad had a kid when he was a kid. Back then no DNA tests were about and to be honest he never knew!! There were whisper and rumours but they were denied by my sisters mother!!
FOURTY YEARS later we join ansestory and we find one another. Since then we met up my dad met her but my mum is furious.
She has fallen out with my dad because he met her and she's fallen out with me for meeting up with my sister too.
My mum and dad are married and built a life together with many kids. Been together since late teens/early 20 and now almost 70 so I get why my mum is hurt but I'm annoyed she's making me feel like I am having an affair or something!
I like my sister, we get on but it's causing drama for my mother and father. I didn't tell my mum I went to see her last week but she found out somehow and now point blank refuses to acknowledge me. WTF do I do??

Nope. The OP’s timeline suggests an affair. That was my perspective when I posted. I’m not the only one who is confused by the dates.

Exactly. So if he was a "kid" 40 years ago, he can't be almost 70 now.

None of it makes sense.

This OP

I am afraid that I have to agree about it making a massive difference if he cheated on her and a child was born as a result.

If he had a child before him and your mum got together, then she is being v unreasonable at you. If he cheated then its more understandable, because in her head she is probably seeing you meeting your sister as you condoning your father cheating on her. Not say that she isnt BU but her reaction is more undertstandable.

Well none of us know what we’re on about tbf, and that’s because you’ve written such a confusing timeline of events. It’s all guesswork.

I’ve already gone back to @Thedayb4youcame on this, I think we are all confused and interpreting in different ways. I usually trust timeframes more than numbers when there is conflict - i.e. if someone says their dad was a teenager and then adds on a decade or so when they do their calculations then I would think the calculations were more likely to be inaccurate than the assertion that someone was a teenager when something happened. Generally people are better at putting someone in a place as opposed to a time - e.g. teenage as opposed to an absolute age.

Wow. The difference in these replies compared to if a woman on here said “I’ve just found out my DH had fathered a child before we met and didn’t tell me”. Your poor mother. Yes it’s not your fault but anyone vaguely empathetic would understand what she might be going through

I agree. Forty vs fifty is an easy mistake. Kid vs a man in his late 20s would be extremely unlikely to be a mistake.

Yup, that’s my thinking entirely.

But she knows how old he is now; he’s knocking on for 70. So if he had a child as a teenager, that child has got to be 55ish now, possibly even older. Yet the OP is talking about finding her on Ancestry 40 years after the event. She’s actually written the word out, so she hasn’t hit a 4 instead of a 5. So neither the timeframe or the numbers make sense, unless she has known about the sister for a decade.

@Secretlysurviving she is feeling that you have been disloyal to her. she is actually really hurt at this whole situation and the person who said it was none of your mums business really needs a shake!!! your mum currently feels like her whole life has been built on a lie!!

Your poor mother. Do you not have any compassion for her at ALL @Secretlysurviving ??? You seem be behaving very coldly towards her.

And are you ever coming back to the thread to confirm whether your half sibling was BORN 40 years ago, or if you only found out about them 40 years ago?!

Your dates don’t make any sense. If your parents are in their 70s and this sibling is in her 40s, then your father was not a teen parent.

The fairness of your mother’s reaction hinges on the details.

if it was truly a teen pregnancy and he truly had no idea there was a baby, then she needs to forgive and accept this person in your life.

however, you mention rumors. That would imply he had reason to believe there was a child out there that belonged to him and rather then investigate, he abandoned that child. That should change how everyone views him.

if the timeline makes this child the result of infidelity, she gets to be angry.

If the sister was conceived via an affair then of cause mom feels betrayed

It’s not about spelling, it’s about miscalculation. People can write whatever numbers they want but if the maths are wrong they are wrong. Logically it would make far more sense for this to have been a youthful indiscretion and hence buried and not talked about, than an open secret as a result of an affair.
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The OP says "my dad had a kid when he was a kid" so from that it appears that he fathered this child when he was a teen, and therefore presumably before his relationship with the OP's mum.

That’s how I read it.

If he fathered the child when he was a teenager the sister would be 50+ now. But OP wrote that her dad had a kid and then "FOURTY" years later they found out about it. Can't see how that's a typo. The only logical explanation is that they found out 10 years ago but for some reason have only met up now, but it doesn't sound like that from OP's post. So basically, it doesn't make sense!

Miscalculation not typo

Ancestry DNA testing has been around in the UK for some years.

In any case, it is common for people to change slight details in threads, to make them less identifiable. In case they are read by someone who might otherwise recognise the situation and individuals.

Possibly. But it’s not a difficult sum to work out. And wouldn’t she know how old the sister is? It’s surely something basic that you’d want to know about a surprise sibling? What’s their name? Where do they live? How old are they? Even if she was worse at maths than I am, she’d still know her sister wasn’t 40 years old, wouldn’t she?

It is difficult I grant you, I can’t quite make it compute either way!

😁 Getting the numbers wrong isn’t going to make this less identifiable.

All it has done is caused an argument about dodgy maths versus dodgy memory.

So your mother is mad at you for discovering that your dad has another daughter from decades ago.
And your mother is mad at you for being curious and wanting to meet your flesh and blood?
Do you needlework? Needlepoint your mum a nice pillow that says ”SHITE HAPPENS” and call it a day.
Never let anybody guilt you into thinking you’re doing something bad or wrong or dirty when you know in your heart of hearts you’re doing the right thing. ❤️

It doesn't say it was 40 years ago, she says that she found her after 40 years of not knowing she existed.