Found half sister on ansestory my mum is livid. WDID??

[Secretlysurviving]

My dad had a kid when he was a kid. Back then no DNA tests were about and to be honest he never knew!! There were whisper and rumours but they were denied by my sisters mother!!
FOURTY YEARS later we join ansestory and we find one another. Since then we met up my dad met her but my mum is furious.
She has fallen out with my dad because he met her and she's fallen out with me for meeting up with my sister too.
My mum and dad are married and built a life together with many kids. Been together since late teens/early 20 and now almost 70 so I get why my mum is hurt but I'm annoyed she's making me feel like I am having an affair or something!
I like my sister, we get on but it's causing drama for my mother and father. I didn't tell my mum I went to see her last week but she found out somehow and now point blank refuses to acknowledge me. WTF do I do??

Regardless of whether your half-sister is the result of your father’s infidelity, I think that this is an example of the complications that can arise when DNA tests expose long-buried secrets. It’s hardly surprising your mother is upset, surely. Even if your sister’s conception predates your parents’ relationship, I think I’d be shocked and a bit shaken up to think that my husband of fifty years had had a child neither of us had known about, growing up not knowing her father etc.

What were you hoping to gain from this? Either your dad had a random shag or he cheated on your mum. What part of this did you think was happy ever after? It's quite clear this was only going to end in pain. You seem very naive. I'm not surprised your mum is angry.

How is she unreasonable ? Failure, shame ? He had an affair while he was married to OP’s mum which resulted in a child. And you think this is her failure or shame ? Really ?

For your mum it's not about the relationship you have with dss it about how that feels like your siding with the wrong your dad has done by hiding this for over 50 years. She probably feels he must have has some sort of an inkling about step sis birth but effectively feels betrayed by him and this is translating into the interaction with you over this. Take a step back OP let mum get her head around this for a couple months and once it doesn't sting as much she'll no longer go ballistic as much.

Not surprised you love it. Suits you down to the ground doesn’t it ? She’s not acting like a child - she’s reacting to the fact that out of the blue you’ve announced that you want a relationship with the child your father had as the result of an extra marital affair !! Grow up and think of someone other than yourself.

Why is everyone assuming affair?
OP said her mum and dad have been together since late teens/early 20s, but that her dad had his other child when he was a child so it's possible it happened before mum/dad met?

Where does it say the OP’s father had an affair ? She said sister was conceived when her father was a young kid then got with her mother late teens/20s ?

😱 you need a serious word with yourself. She’s your mum, she’s hurt, you’ve gone behind her back, you LOVE that it’s ’none of her business’?

She deserves better than you. Think of others feelings.

Indeed. Sounds like he didn't know she existed until OP found her and told him.

OP also said parents now nearly 70. So if together since late teens/early 20s that is rather more than 40 years isn't it?

I do not blame the mother,why should she like it, it’s not her child and what does she gain other than to be pissed. Doubt she wants any of dads finances go in the other ones direction either.

Actually, as an older woman, I think the mother is being very unreasonable. If this were my daughter, I’d totally understand if she wanted to meet and get to know her sister. Taking umbrage and refusing to speak to her is toddler behaviour. It!s not as if the sister was the result of infidelity-that would be very upsetting-but she is part of her dad’s history and therefore, daughter has a direct connection to her. Honest.y, I think families would be far happier if there wasn’t this tantrum throwing and drama but instead honest conversations where the mum could acknowledge her pain and apprehension but also show some understanding that her daughter is curious about a blood relative.

Have we had confirmation of an affair or has the OP gone quiet?

Perhaps their maths isn't as good as they thought it was

She might be your half sister but she's also a total stranger you've just met. You'd rather have a coffee with a Tom/Dick/Harry over your mum's feelings?

I don't latch on to every person I meet. This woman is no different.

@Secretlysurviving well that's harsh. You came onto a public forum to ask what to do, someone suggests a reason why your mum might be upset (and thus giving you something to work with) and your respond like that. What exactly were you hoping people would say?

I read the OP to mean 40 years after finding out she existed they met up, as she also says her dad didn't know?

Is your half-sister 40, and your parents have been together for 50 years? If that's the case I can see why your mum is feeling so upset. However that is not the half sisters fault. Your mum may need a little time, or she may never want to hear about the sister as it will remind her. Just continue as you want with your sister but keep it from your mother. Congrats on a new sister though! I wish I would find one!

Sorry, quoted the wrong person. Should have quoted the post before yours.

TBH I've read it over and over again, and the numbers just don't add up with him being a "kid" forty years ago. 🤔

That's why I assumed it's been 40 years since they found out (as she says her dad didn't know) rather than how she was conceived 40 years ago. It's quite difficult to follow so who knows though.

I feel sorry for your DM as she enters her 8th decade, by the sounds she has had to deal with this situation, rumours etc and now it is being rammed down her throat

It's the mum that's angry at the dad, his now wife. Personally I think it's outrageous that she's angry. He's in his 70's and doesn't have long left, why shouldn't the poor child meet him. Good for him for going against the wife and doing it anyway. I hope you tell him that OP. I'm sure it would have been easier for him to reject her and he didn't, good for him.

This happened before they even met, she's being unreasonable and dad should tell her this also. She's missing out on a happy family by carrying on like this.

This reply says it all.

OP says he's not yet 70. No mention of him "not having long left". Where did that come from? 70 is no age at all in 2024.

i expect your mother is shocked and upset about it all, and would like to pretend it isn’t real. But you’ve every right to meet your new sister, it’s natural. I think you should be as kind to your mum as you can, but keep stressing that this is a relative of yours that you absolutely want to get to know.