Found half sister on ansestory my mum is livid. WDID??

[Secretlysurviving]

My dad had a kid when he was a kid. Back then no DNA tests were about and to be honest he never knew!! There were whisper and rumours but they were denied by my sisters mother!!
FOURTY YEARS later we join ansestory and we find one another. Since then we met up my dad met her but my mum is furious.
She has fallen out with my dad because he met her and she's fallen out with me for meeting up with my sister too.
My mum and dad are married and built a life together with many kids. Been together since late teens/early 20 and now almost 70 so I get why my mum is hurt but I'm annoyed she's making me feel like I am having an affair or something!
I like my sister, we get on but it's causing drama for my mother and father. I didn't tell my mum I went to see her last week but she found out somehow and now point blank refuses to acknowledge me. WTF do I do??

Really?? It was before they even met. What about the innocent child who had never met her father and siblings? Does she not matter? The wife matters more? She's older and wiser and if she wasn't thinking about only herself she would see that this is a good thing for just about everyone involved.

Id never have done this to my mum. But seems like you don’t value your relationship with yours as much. Why choose a stranger that you share some DNA with (big woop) over someone who’s brought you up and loved you. Self serving behaviour.

But it’s not, from her POV. She feels how she feels. It’s why DNA sites are so potentially inflammatory. It’s also why adoptees seeking birth family are advised strongly to have counselling as part of the process. Secrets are unearthed, not always pleasant ones.

This.

God there’s some batshit replies on this thread.

OP, YANBU. I can imagine It’s a shock for your mum to find out her DH of so many years has another child. (Which im assuming he was probably 14/15/16 when she was conceived?).

Obviously she doesn’t have to be involved or have any contact with your sister if she doesn’t want to, but she absolutely should support you and your father if you both want to continue contact with the sister/daughter.

You tell her you will associate with whom you choose and if she wants to remain within that category, she needs to keep a civil tongue in her head.

It's got to be barely out of the forced adoption decades.

🤯

Either your dad cheated, your maths is wrong, or else you’ve been in contact with your half sibling for over a decade so why raise this issue now?

She might not want to be in that category.

If I have I understood this correctly....

@Secretlysurviving You and your father have altered the family unit

I agree it's not your mum's business what you do

she must feel like someone just drove a truck through her life. She also has the freedom to react as she wants to all this.

That's what you want, after all, so she'll be seeking the same.

Also, the maths is confusing me, it suggests affair.

You haven’t read the original post properly. At all.

There was no affair. This was before OP’s parents met by all accounts.

She is struggling to come to terms with the news and what it means for her family. The unreasonable part is cutting off her daughter who is trying to understand the new family dynamic and building a relationship with her half-sister. It’s hard for everyone.

Also the post you quoted was sensitive and sensible. It’s your guns that are blazing.

"It was before they even met"

The jury is very much out on this - it's so flipping hard to work that out from the OP.

You didn't do anything! It's just reminding your mum of something unpleasant, that's all.

We have a similar scenario. My uncle was always rumoured to have had a secret "love child". Turns out it was an open secret nobody talks about. His love child got in touch with my cousin (they are half siblings) & it blew up. Uncle & aunt don't want anything to do with love child & are very pissed off one daughter has met with her..

Your parents have no right putting that pressure on you. If you want to forge a relationship, you should

Also, the maths is confusing me, it suggests affair.

I'm guessing the OP meant 50 or she is 40 and worded it wrong. Her dad wouldn't have been a kid having a kid in his late 20s, he must have been a teen.

That is how I read it. The dad was a teen and didn’t know.

There was no affair. This was before OP’s parents met by all accounts.

The original message says the dad "had a kid when he was a kid".

It says he's almost 70.

It also says it was 40 years ago and parents have been together since late teens.

I'm lost, but leaning on the side of him being about 28 (despite being called a kid), therefore it must have all happened after mum & dad met.

Well her parents aren’t - her dad has met the other daughter. It’s her mum that is struggling, which is understandable. But as you say, ultimately it’s up to OP if she wishes to forge a relationship, it might just take some time for her mum to come around (if at all).

I'm lost, but leaning on the side of him being about 28 (despite being called a kid), therefore it must have all happened after mum & dad met.

No one would have called a 28 year old a kid 40 years ago. My dad was a dad at 21 and never called a kid.

Well since people started picking apart the years and dates and whatnot, OP hasn’t been back.

Those pesky people who know basic maths! They’re in that same category as those pesky people who apply logic and sensibility and polite manners to posts!

See I read it as him being a kid, because it said he was a kid, and the parents got together in their late teens/early twenties. I think 40 years is a bit of a misnomer. More like 50+.

Of course she should listen to her mum's perspective if she wants to continue to have a relationship with her! This is a ridiculous POV. I'm not surprised the mum is upset. Given time to get used to the situation, however, she may come around.

@Thedayb4youcame Love your username by the way, it’s my dad’s favourite song.

She's annoyed simply because of your sister's existence. She's being childish and needs to grow up.

Could your mum be feeling insecure because it’s a family connection only she isn’t apart of. It’s you and your dad that have connection to this sister. Your mum may be feeling insecure.

Wow. So the mother who loved her and raised her takes a back seat to someone the OP shares DNA with ? OK then. Glad you’re not my daughter !!