I walked out of the house today with no tea for the kids.

[Ahshsb]

I feel so so fed up. I have 3dc, 2 of which are teen. They are becoming so hard work, never listen to me, go mad if I try to set boundaries etc. I get that they are at that age but they are so demanding and rude and I am the default parent for everything.

I work full time and do all the cooking, most of cleaning, and everything to do with the kids.

This evening they haven't been that bad but I was exhausted and one of the DC made a snide remark which normally I would have ignored but I just snapped. I yelled at them all and told them to leave me alone for awhile, which they didn't. So I just left the house and went out and have just come back.

Dh during all of this did absolutely nothing which is normal. I get all the shit from the kids to deal with whilst he just locks himself up in his room. I feel like a single parent.

Everyone always tells me that he's so relaxed and the kids tell me how dad never tells them off and how great he is. I feel like I'm a shit parent. Shall I do what he does and doesn't talk to them, doesn't discipline them, doesn't set boundaries or play with them, take them out, spend time with them. All the things I try to do. Sometimes I just feel like giving up.

Your youngest is 5 - your DH and both of your teens showcased really poor behaviour...make sure you don't accept any share of the blame for your 5 yo not having dinner when she was left with her dad and two teenage siblings.

I'd still be angry - you need to use it as the catalyst so that things change, yes.

I did a course on parenting teens and here's a list that's the same as that contained on things teens should be doing (this from go Henry).

My 13 year old does 1, 3. 5, 7, 8, 10, 13, 15 and 16. She's going to do 4, 6 this summer.

I'd add making own breakfast and lunch.

Here are some of the best chore ideas for teens:
1 Taking out the rubbish and recycling daily
2 Doing laundry
3 Changing bed sheets
4 Cooking one meal a week
5 Shopping for groceries
6 Kitchen cleaning
7 Pet walking and feeding
8 Keeping their bedroom tidy
9 Ironing their clothes
10 Being responsible for younger siblings
11 Watering plants
12 Returning packages to the post office
13 Taking all mugs and plates from their room every day
14 Easy home maintenance
15 Manage their own money
16 Do their homework

If I came home in that situation and my “DH” hadn’t been arsed to feed our five year old child I don’t think I could be held responsible for what I’d do. I was with an abusive twat, but he still would have fed our child. I honestly have no words for an adult that would leave a 5 year old to go to bed hungry. I couldn’t spend another second breathing the same oxygen as that person.

How old are the two others? Old enough to organise takeout, so old enough to be of more help in the house but never been trained to do so. As useful as their dad. Time for change, OP, starting with your useless partner.

Hi op you did the right thing walking away you might have said or done something you would regret biut you other half is very lazy he's the shitty parent not you. You need a chat with him separately to the kids because if your not on the same side it will be a battle especially with your older kids. You also need a break away where dad has to step up. How has he got away with his poor behaviour for so long you did well getting this far.

Oh OP. My heart is breaking for you but more for a 5 year old putting themselves to bed hungry.
I absolutely don’t blame you for what you did. In fact it sounds like the best thing you could have done for yourself.
However, if your DH doesn’t see the difference between “laid back” and neglectful, ask him to tell your child’s school, his family, work colleagues, friends etc that he allowed a very young child to go hungry. If he’d be too ashamed he knows he’s in the wrong and needs to correct his behaviour. If he says he will make sure he does and ask what other people say to him about it.

I haven’t rtft

@Ahshsb he’s able to be relaxed and a great dad because it sounds as if does sweet f all

Your kids will remember it was you who slogged your guts out for them, put boundaries etc..

You sound exhausted. Is there anyone you could stay with for a few days?

YANBU
Don’t give up OP
you are doing an exceptional job and a hard one
and pardon me but where your DC are concerned your DH is being a dick.

Take a long weekend break away on your own and leave your Husband in charge, or better still ask to have a chat with DH and say it’s high time he takes on some day to day practicalities with the kids before they all leave home and there for he is to take on Saturdays, including producing all three meals, half the weekend cleaning so the upstairs including hovering laundry and bedding and asking the kids to keep rooms clean and cups/plates down stairs and he will be downstairs available to them that day while you take on Sundays and the cleaning of downstairs- The key being in the first two months you must get up early have breakfast and leave the house all day Saturdays returning for his lovely cooked evening meal or his ordered takeout. Tell him you are not available Saturdays just as he isn’t Sundays and any problems arising just refer the DC back to him and any issues he messages you about give home a confident “I have full faith in your abilities and if your not sure google it.
this is just an idea but could work, but if you plan something like this you need to know your own boundaries and goal so you can be strong to follow through. After a month/6weeks he should get the hang and really your not there as back up. Praise him for what he does as he may complain about how hard it is and it’s not about telling him to verbally appreciate you but to show respect and regard by actively pulling his weight so don’t let him focus on excuses and problems but on how he kept everyone alive and next Saturday he can always try something different, don’t get pulled in to managing him if you can.
What do you think?

It's called nesting. I know a couple that did it very successfully for 6 years until their youngest went off to Uni. After that they sold the family home and both bought small properties. The youngest DC used to still spend uni holidays at either of his parents. They still remain good friends and even spend some Xmas together. Neither in new relationships though.

My Dad was like this and it was only when I became an adult I realised how useless he was. Hang in there, your kids will realise one day.

Also worth noting my Dad hit the roof and suddenly took a KEEN interest in my life when I stated dating. Became obsessed even. I told him where to go. Can't pick and choose when to be involved... 17 years after not taking any notice.

Ultimately you are earning your right to have a seat at the table in their life.

Everything aside I love your menu.. what was the rest of the week?

Did you tell your dh you were leaving the house?
Also, what is he doing ensconced in his room upstairs? Gaming or working?

😂 DH and I have very different cooking styles…he likes meat on the side of something, where I cook saucy recipes. I made:
https://www.gousto.co.uk/cookbook/beef-recipes/simply-perfect-beef-spag-bol?epik=dj0yJnU9Sm5YdWMxVDktbVdndFA1ZnpDUVRCSC1Jdy0wUFJLaGImcD0wJm49aS1zMWtENmFKekFlSFhzdzcxRzdPUSZ0PUFBQUFBR2FEbU00

https://therecipecritic.com/creamy-parmesan-garlic-mushroom-chicken/?utm_source=browser&utm_medium=push_notification&utm_campaign=PushCrew_notification_1563707039&_p_c=1

https://www.bhg.com/recipe/spicy-apple-glazed-meatballs/
(Though made with meatballs from the beef aisle—I can’t be bothered to make meatballs.)

https://www.gousto.co.uk/cookbook/chicken-recipes/creamy-chicken-pesto-farfalle-with-basil?epik=dj0yJnU9akZmdFA5YWNDc1pmeU0yYVZMZUh1R3EtN2wzREllSVgmcD0wJm49X3FVTTBBVW1ZTmZ4R3pfTE1WczRkUSZ0PUFBQUFBR2FEbXY4

👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿💯💯💯@Ahshsb you should do EXACTLY THIS!. let them see how great he is.

THIS! I will never understand people who do everything for teens!. CRAZY!

Completely agree. The babying of teenagers is getting worse. I know my childhood wasn't exactly ideal (alcoholic mum/controlling but neglectful dad who didn't lift a finger) but I look at how I was at 13-18 and can't believe what I see today.

Parents worlds that stop spinning on an axis because darlings are doing their GCSEs, heaven forbid something we all did. My parents I'm quite sure had no idea I was doing my exams or didn't even ask or care.

Again I know my childhood was extreme but there has to be a happy medium?

I think social media has a lot to answer for, making parents feel guilty, comparing to others, being competitive.

My nephew on DH side just turned 18 and said 'I'm looking forward to going to the pub with my friends'. So wrapped up and kept baby like, has never been to the pub! I was falling out of them on Saturday nights regularly at 15 and had moved out of home when I was 18 - well my controlling dad threw me out for having a bf but I was happy to get out of there.

Being Street wise is a good skill!!

But at the moment she doesn't have a life. Leaving would be the best solution. Let useless DH pick up the slack.

@femfemlicious I agree, and even the younger child, why didn't they go to their dad and say they were hungry?

Don't get me wrong, this guy is crap and the OP should leave him, but her children are not little baby birds that need protection. They have hands, brains and voices - they need to start using them!

I was a latchkey kid with a job at the age of 15-my parents did not get home from work until well into the evening and if I didn't use my own resources to sort my food I wouldn't have eaten! This pandering to teenagers really needs to stop, it's doing them no favours.

Oh hell yes this.

So what if they eat shit for 2 weeks. They will survive. The OP on the other hand, will not if she does not get a break from this.

Or even better, leave the teenagers with their dad and get a flat you and the youngest. Then you know the 5 YO needs will be met (and not sabotaged) by the father nor the older kids. Let the other 3 fester and fend on their own, they are old enough to do so.

My Dad worked full time and long hours, often only getting home at 10 or 11pm and my Mum was a housewife. He earned the money and she looked after the house and 2 kids (this is a very different generation). When both parents are working full time then both parents have to parent full time as well.

I'm afraid you have probably made a rod for your own back by not training them when they were a lot younger. Encourage the teens to cook with you and say pizza with your own choice of toppings. Anyone (except 5 year old) who doesn't do this simply doesn't eat - including your husband. Get a washing up rota going (keeping clean stuff for yourself and the youngest) and see how long they can leave it till they want clean plates and things. Let their washing pile up, they'll soon get a load on when they want to go out with their mates.

You could feign an injury, twisted knee or ankle, come home with it bandaged and using a crutch. Sit down with your leg up and see what happens. No you can't do this, that and the other because you are in terrible pain and would someone get you a cup of tea, some biscuits, a sandwich etc. If they all bugger off and leave you to cope then you know what you have to do.

Whatever you do, do it soon because left to fester and you getting more resentful at being treated like a doormat will eat away at you.