I walked out of the house today with no tea for the kids.

[Ahshsb]

I feel so so fed up. I have 3dc, 2 of which are teen. They are becoming so hard work, never listen to me, go mad if I try to set boundaries etc. I get that they are at that age but they are so demanding and rude and I am the default parent for everything.

I work full time and do all the cooking, most of cleaning, and everything to do with the kids.

This evening they haven't been that bad but I was exhausted and one of the DC made a snide remark which normally I would have ignored but I just snapped. I yelled at them all and told them to leave me alone for awhile, which they didn't. So I just left the house and went out and have just come back.

Dh during all of this did absolutely nothing which is normal. I get all the shit from the kids to deal with whilst he just locks himself up in his room. I feel like a single parent.

Everyone always tells me that he's so relaxed and the kids tell me how dad never tells them off and how great he is. I feel like I'm a shit parent. Shall I do what he does and doesn't talk to them, doesn't discipline them, doesn't set boundaries or play with them, take them out, spend time with them. All the things I try to do. Sometimes I just feel like giving up.

@RedHelenB it isn't always apparent before kids how useless and defective some men are. It's absolutely pointless saying this to her now fgs

I get it OP, women are sold a pup over motherhood and family life in my opinion.

Alternatively, you can reduce to 3 DC, 100% of the time and have a lovely new patio!

Unfortunately some children will treat you as poorly as you will allow.

Do NOTHING for them.
No washing, cooking or lifts.
"Ask Dad" on a loop.

Look to go and stay with family.
Your husband is a lazy loser but YOU are allowing them to treat you badly.
"What's for dinner" NOTHING.
"Where are my clean clothes" No idea.
"Cxn I have a lift to or from x" Nope.
Kids are not stupid.
They get it very very quickly when life is suddenly going to bd less comfortable for them.
I have high standards and any bullshit from my children was dealt with as above and they were back in line so quickly.

You are not your childrens skivvy.
Stop engaging.
Definitely see if you can visit someone for a break.

If you get divorced it's automatically on the table. The alternative is paying a lot of child support.

It may well be on the table but he doesn’t have to agree to it . And as for maintenance, you only have to look at the numerous threads on here about the lengths some people will go to avoid paying .
Courts can make an order about contact but if the absent parent decides not to turn up what can be done ? Answer - nothing . Been there.

OP would just end up cleaning two homes , restocking two kitchens , processing endless ghastly laundry and still doing ALL the 'mother & wifework' .
I would not be able to relax in a squalid environment .
I'm so sorry OP ; I hope he either improves or leaves .

Underrated idea!

Tbh, even if your divorced ex dh did nothing, if your kids stepped up more you might still have a better life - they're all doing far too little.

Why on earth would the OP end up cleaning two homes, restocking two fridges? If he's neglectful, he doesn't get contact.

Op you've made a strong point and sent a message. Hopefully it's been heard.
So, go with this momentum and have a family meeting and tell everyone what you expect from them.

Your teens should be able to start off making simple meals like pasta with pesto or a sauce. Cheese toasties. Scrambled eggs on toast. Baked potatoes with tuna Mayo.
Once they get the habit, they might even enjoy making more adventurous food like stir fries or curries.

Give everyone a couple of weekly chores to do and make their pocket money dependent on things being done. Or access to wifi/gaming devices.

Honestly, this benefits everyone and even though they won't see it like that, you're doing them a massive favour.

You need to start giving everyone jobs to do, split up the family work, including your useless DH as that way of life will make them lazy and you exhausted and resentful
Good luck

I don't think you made a strong message..teens literally don't notice until there is real impact.
They probably couldn't care less you weren't there to make them a nutritious home cooked meal... probably tbh happier with take away.
You need to literally go on strike for a week or more even...and stop doing stuff they want...so no lifts, no food treats...get basics in...no washing of anything..
It won't take long until missing out on stuff cus you can't get there, not having treats in cupboard and not having clean clothes affects them.
Then a family meeting and new ground rules.
I'd forget your expectations your DH will step up and parent...but you can divvy out chores and ensure kids know what dad is responsible for...so if he is on laundry duty and they have no clean uniform for school..do not help...just repeat ",ask dad it's his responsibility"

It's called "nesting" but it only works if both ex-partners pull their weight equally. It wouldn't work for OP. She needs her own space that she can keep properly and let dad rot in stink and squallor if he doesn't start sorting himself out - obviously he doesn't get overnights with the kids if he can't keep them basically safe and well and fed but then at least he has to pay CM to OP, amd OP isn't doing any more work than what she's doing already. Or he does learn to function as an adequate parent and can have 50:50 time with the kids and OP gets some time to rest.

I think the DH's idea that if they split he would have a one bed flat and see the DC at her place when he feels like it speaks volumes. It sounds like he thinks the options are either live together and she looks after all of them, or live separately and he just looks after himself, visiting his DC when he wants to. He needs to understand that the expectation is either they live together and share the domestic work, or live separately and he sees the DC outside her home at specific times agreed in advance (by court order if necessary).

I think OP needs to have a discussion with her DH before any family meeting involving the DC. I'd be asking why he thinks it's OK for them to both work full time but for her to do all the domestic work/dealing with the children. If he agrees that he needs to do more, and ensure that the DC treat her with respect, then there can be a family meeting and a chance for them to work on it together.

If he makes it clear that he doesn't plan to change, I think it will be easier for her to officially be a single parent (rather than unofficially a single parent with a man child to look after too). It sounds like the DH shows her no respect and does not expect the DC to do anything, so they've learned that they can do what they want and mum will pick up after them/feed them etc. Even if OP ends up with the DC 100% of the time, at least she will be able to set ground rules for home without another adult undermining them.

A few years a I did tell him to just leave when things came to a head. He started looking for one bed flats to rent and said then that he couldn't possibly have the kids as he couldn't afford anywhere larger to rent. He'd pop round to see them on weekends etc.

This is what YOU need to do. Can't you hear the siren call of that one bedroom flat already? You can be Fun Mum popping round to see the little darlings on the weekend.

Remember to thank him though for putting the idea in your head. Manners are important.

Hi OP, I really feel for you and can't offer any real advice except that you need to take care of yourself. You need DH on your side but I think this is unlikely to happen. Only you can decide whether it is worth staying in your marriage. Please remember that teens are horrendously hard work and things may get better in that dept. I'm not making excuses, just stating facts.
Do you think there would be any point in a serious conversation with your husband?
Please take care, working FT and caring for kids/running a household is totally exhausting.
Could you book a weekend away with a friend to recharge? Or is that totally impossible?
Please take care of yourself, as best you can

Sorry started replying accidently!

Am currently sat on the car eating jammy dodgers reading Mumsnet. I went away for the night with a friend. Came home noone asked if I had a nice time. Started clearing the shed, they sat down made themselves lunch and didn't even ask if I wanted anything and left the sink full of dirty dishes because they couldn't be bothered to empty the dishwasher. So fucking sick of it.

Never yell, scream, raise your voice or loose control!!! ( It is VERY hard to do but must be done). Do more stuff for yourself besides kids and DH.

@Hayliebells my post was in response to a pp's suggestion that OP and her husband swap homes each week . As@DexaVooveQhodu points out it only works if one's ex husband is not a lazy incompetent dick .

In theory but it hardly ever works out like that, mine saw our child very infrequently, often cancelled at the last minute leaving me to cope with the fall out and never paid any child support. If they are already rubbish divorce is not likey to make improve them though you will be free of the work they create

Oh I see. Yes I agree, that's a terrible idea.

Well, if dad's so great he can make dinner then, can't he?!

Can't believe your husband let the younger one go to bed with no food, sorry but that is shocking. Why didn't he get him something to eat????