I walked out of the house today with no tea for the kids.

[Ahshsb]

I feel so so fed up. I have 3dc, 2 of which are teen. They are becoming so hard work, never listen to me, go mad if I try to set boundaries etc. I get that they are at that age but they are so demanding and rude and I am the default parent for everything.

I work full time and do all the cooking, most of cleaning, and everything to do with the kids.

This evening they haven't been that bad but I was exhausted and one of the DC made a snide remark which normally I would have ignored but I just snapped. I yelled at them all and told them to leave me alone for awhile, which they didn't. So I just left the house and went out and have just come back.

Dh during all of this did absolutely nothing which is normal. I get all the shit from the kids to deal with whilst he just locks himself up in his room. I feel like a single parent.

Everyone always tells me that he's so relaxed and the kids tell me how dad never tells them off and how great he is. I feel like I'm a shit parent. Shall I do what he does and doesn't talk to them, doesn't discipline them, doesn't set boundaries or play with them, take them out, spend time with them. All the things I try to do. Sometimes I just feel like giving up.

I know this is not helpful, but why did you keep having children with a man who does nothing to help?

Your husband is a complete waste of space.

You'd be so much better off without him.

Book a few days off. Everything is on h to sort and switch the phone off. Never mind the kids, the h needs training. You have a h problem.

Also, they'll find it harder to compare you do their dad as he will do F-all even more than now

So you'll find it easier to enforce your rules and expectations

He absolutely doesn't get to use the family home if you're divorced

Look into what you're entitled to.

Life really couldn't be much worse.

Yes, yes and yes

But she can't leave him with the kids if he's not actually going to feed them, well I couldn't swan off and leave them anyway. The youngest went to bed with no food!

This OP.

Agree you need to go away for a long weekend minimum or your parents and crimes, even if still going to work. They all need the shock of realising what you do for them and they need to ask and look to dad. Kids will soon notice that you do it all and dad does fuck all and they go hungry. Have a meeting, give them notice. Tell them dad will be sorting all washing/food and everything you do, to contact him. When you get back things will change,

I'd tolerate this situation for exactly fuck all seconds.

I'd rather live in a flat on my own that put up with ;being treated like a skivvy 24/7

Reminds me of the song Our House by Madness.

Final verse

Father gets up late for work
Mother has to iron his shirt, then she sends the kids to school
Sees them off with a small kiss
She's the one they're going to miss in lots of ways

She does everything and that's what makes that house. And she's the one they're going to miss. Her. Not dad.

Just a thought.

But we don't know how young the youngest is @Shiningout. It could be they are perfectly old enough to get themselves some food (I'm gonna say anyone beyond a baby can surely take a banana or a handful of cereal) but the whole family have had the op doing everything for all of them for so long, that the whole family, including the op, has lost sight of what normal is.

The op has only about 3 choices...

1. Go on strike, maybe they'll work it out
2. Divorce
3. Live like this forever

They're not gonna die if they go to bed without one meal.

This reminds me of the Anthony Browne book, 'Piggybook'.

A Mother who was virtually carrying her ungrateful children and husband.
She left and they had to fend for themselves, obviously they couldn't, and they came to realise just how central the Mother was to their family and how they'd taken her for granted.
She returns eventually but with conditions, not wanting her to leave ever again, ( because they know they'd be useless without her and realise just how much she actually did for them), they start to be more respectful and helpful towards her.
And stop behaving like pigs.

I wish you could do this, OP, just to give them a shock.

It sounds like you’re taking your frustration with your husband out on your kids. A child who is not yet a teen going to bed without food? This is no ok. Unfortunately, if one parent doesn’t step up the other has to or they’re just as bad. I honestly think this will scar your children. You need to be a constant calm presence. Obviously it’s hard, but you can’t give up cos your husband is crap.

If this has been going on the whole time you and your husband have lived together, or at least since you've had children, then while I applaud you for going out and doing something for yourself for once, one evening most likely isn't going to lead to change. A partner who's not done anything like their share in 15+ years is likely to do absolutely everything to avoid it now. It's in his self interest to put his head down and hope your blowing off steam is an isolated event and is enough for you and you'll carry on as usual. As a PP said, this is normal now for your whole household. If you want to take the "make them see" route, you'll have to leave for at least a week, better two, ideally while the children are in school and their dad is working.

Either way, though, I'd be having a serious conversation with your husband (not the children initially, although you'll need to bring them in later) dividing up household chores formally so you and your husband have an equal share and the children have things that are age appropriate. Listen to what he has to say - you may find he's radically underestimating what you do and you may also be underestimating things he does - but the goal is to get the daily and weekly stuff accounted for and assigned out equitably. Make sure that supervising the children's chores, helping them, and disciplining them if they shirk falls at least partially in your husband's set of responsibilities. Don't do anyone else's work for them. And you can't parent for your husband; it's a full time job for both of you and he either does it or he doesn't. If this still leaves you with a mess, or he flat out refuses, then moving out may be the next step.

Did the teens get their takeaway after your youngest went to bed? If not, why didn't they share with him/her?

Your useless husband sounds an entirely poor influence 😟

" A constant calm presence"? I'm guessing you don't have teens and a husband like the OP's.

They need a figurative kick up the posterior and they and the youngest, who I'm guessing is old enough to find food since the average 5 year old can find something edible, are not going to be scarred for life.

Such self centred, rude and gratuitous behaviour on the other hand...

@Shiningout

they could have made themselves a sandwich, no?

I couldn't put up with this from DH. I can say with 100% confidence that there is absolutely no way my DH would leave our child without dinner even if he thought I was the biggest twat known to man for walking out. That's disgraceful! It's also a bit shitty of your older kids to not make the younger one something or at least share their takeaway.

Time to tell DH that he steps up and fulfils basic dad duties or he gets out of your life. I'd start getting ducks in a row because it doesn't sound like he's going to change enough to be a half decent parent tbh

With your teens start addressing them on a more adult level. They're old enough to do the basics for themselves now so anything you do will be out of respect not necessity. If they're disrespectful then you're not going to do favours or make life comfortable for them. No laundry, no taxi service, no money for luxuries.

Like pp have said people (even your next of kin) will ultimately treat you how you allow them to. Start looking out for number one

I think you should have stayed away longer.
It would have had more of an impact.

🥲your husband doesn't bother his ar*e

@AnnaCBi

are you talking about a human or a robot? Cos a human can never be 💯 calm presence on account of them..you know… being human.

So he basically told you he was happy to give up in the kids then? What a great father!!!

Look, whatever relationship your dh might have with his dcs isn’t your problem.
He would only show himself for who he is. A shit father.
(Not that he isn’t showing himself for who he is already - your youngest going to bed Wo eating is pretty poor show to say the least. And the dcs will know about it despite the calls of ‘daddy is such a great parent’)

Re being single and skint.
1- remember he’ll need to still pay CM
2- it will only be a few years as they are already old
3- you’ll have a huge weight off for not having to deal with a crap husband that does nothing whilst you run around
4- you’ll still get at the very least EOW off. 2 days to rest, be yourself. When is the last time you’ve had that time for yourself!

Agree with this.

Of course women aren't robots. We're appliances.

OP, think about what you're teaching your kids. If you have sons, they'll grow up to be shit fathers and husbands like your DH and if you have daughters, they'll start thinking they need to cut off their breasts to avoid being treated like women.

Please read this thread because you don't have to put up with any of it.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5103955-anyone-never-marriedlong-term-single-can-we-hear-some-good-points

I really wouldn't feel guilty OP. You say two of your children are teens, they should be more than capable of making food for themselves-leave them to it. I'd keep making food for the younger one and let the teens know I will start cooking for them when they show some respect and appreciation.

Who paid for the takeaway? Did they get you any, have you eaten?

They sound selfish and you sound pushed to breaking point. Match you DH and teens energy. Do feck all for them.