I walked out of the house today with no tea for the kids.

[Ahshsb]

I feel so so fed up. I have 3dc, 2 of which are teen. They are becoming so hard work, never listen to me, go mad if I try to set boundaries etc. I get that they are at that age but they are so demanding and rude and I am the default parent for everything.

I work full time and do all the cooking, most of cleaning, and everything to do with the kids.

This evening they haven't been that bad but I was exhausted and one of the DC made a snide remark which normally I would have ignored but I just snapped. I yelled at them all and told them to leave me alone for awhile, which they didn't. So I just left the house and went out and have just come back.

Dh during all of this did absolutely nothing which is normal. I get all the shit from the kids to deal with whilst he just locks himself up in his room. I feel like a single parent.

Everyone always tells me that he's so relaxed and the kids tell me how dad never tells them off and how great he is. I feel like I'm a shit parent. Shall I do what he does and doesn't talk to them, doesn't discipline them, doesn't set boundaries or play with them, take them out, spend time with them. All the things I try to do. Sometimes I just feel like giving up.

👏

Oh and "ask your father"

F

Honestly, I'd leave. I'd go and pack my bags and find somewhere to stay until they all fucking apologise and pull their socks up. Why should your DH get to skip off into the sunset leaving you to do all the work? The teens are old enough to survive without you for a while and it may give them the shock they need.

They're teenagers in a house with their father. No one is going to starve. Stop guilt tripping women for wanting to do something for themselves.

Apparently the younger kid did starve though..... Not blaming mum for this but somehow or other she does need to make sure that this never happens again. The poor kid doesn't have any control over siblings and dad, OP does.

Sorry.

But.

Bollocks.

OP wasn't there.
The ONLY person to blame for that child not eating is OPs OH. A Fully grown adult and father.
The kid might not have wanted anything to eat, might not have asked, might not have realised, might have eaten junk that their dad let them eat, whatever the case, OP had zero control, SHE WASN'T THERE.

If we're going to blame women for things that happened hen they're not even there, women beat not go to gyms or work or have nights out. Just stay home and monitor everyone 24/7..

Do you know what starve means @Itslevioosanotleviosaa ?

Please stop contributing to keeping a woman miserable. That's how shit men get away with being shit, and children learn that if they are a boy they can treat their wives like that, and the girls learn to take it, and so the cycle continues.

Stop making the op feel guilty when she has sone NOTHING wrong. There are at least 3 people in that house who could have made the youngest some food, if not the youngest themselves. Pandering to weaponised incompetence helps no one.

I guess you conveniently didn't read the part where I said I'm not blaming mum. It's perfectly reasonable to assume that in this case dad and older siblings would be capable of looking after the younger child. Dad is 100% to blame for this by the sounds of it.

However, they have now shown that they can't/won't provide basic care for the youngest so yes OP needs to either find someone else to care for this child or provide this care herself. Personally I'd start making this easier for myself and getting rid of the deadwood DH

When have I said that the shit man should get away with it?! I've said twice in this thread that dad's behaviour is awful and that she should lay down the law and probably leave him.

This doesn't change the fact though that a child has gone to bed tonight realising that (for tonignt at least) they can't rely on anyone to meet their basic needs. As a loving and responsible parent I'd be doing my best to make sure that this child wasn't put in that position again.

For the 3rd time, this would probably be game over for my DH if he did this. I absolutely don't think he should get away with it

He's completely checked out of the marriage and out of the family. Kick him out, give him alternate weekends and go for maintenance from him.

Was there food available in the house, for the 3 children？It doesn't sound like it if the older ones had to go out and buy themselves food and the younger went to bed hungry.

@ageratum1 They probably got a takeaway as they were too lazy to make any effort to prepare a simple snack. Fits with the OP's description of entitlement. I bet there was plenty of food in the house. Unfortunately their servant / handmaiden wasn't available just then.

I doubt the younger one went to bed hungry. More likely found something to eat but no one took any notice.
I hope OP finds the strength to make the necessary big changes that this bunch of ingrates need.

@Ahshsb ?

What age is the youngest child @Ahshsb ?

They could have gone to the corner shop instead and buy food if there wasn’t any food at all in the house.

But more to the point

1. it’s highly unusual these days to have so little food you can’t put a meal together.
2. they have a father in the house who could have cooked/done some shopping
3. they were supposed to eat that night. I’m sure that, at every least, there was food for 5 people to prep that meal. Wo talking about breakfast stuff too.

Why on earth assume that there was no food in the house so they ‘had no choice but to have a takeaway’??

Hi everyone.
Thanks for your posts. Just to clarify youngest is 5. I did ask the teens why they didn't buy her anything but they said she'd fallen asleep which is true as she was asleep when I came back. I obviously would have expected dh to have given her something. She is more than capable of having done fruit, making some cheese and crackers or a basic snack if she was starving. When I asked her the next day she said she was a little hungry when she went to bed but wasn't bothered so just went to bed.

I have been thinking that, yes I do need to be more firm and set some expectations from everyone in the house including dh but when you've been a doormat all your life and low self esteem nom existent, it doesn't come naturally. I know I give in to the kids when they act up and I know I shouldn't do that.

This thread has made me really evaluate my life and I think I need to look after myself too as I'm losing my sense of self with being a mother and juggling everything for so long. I'm just on autopilot and do what needs to be done without pausing to think about what going on with me. I got a breaking point and that's why I stormed out. I need to put things in place so that doesn't happen again.

What a chaotic household. Your dh is the problem here. He’s not much use, is he?

Good for you op. I think the easiest way to do it will bit set expectations and then start leaving the house on a regular and increasing basis.

So some of the message got through. Do it again. Simply stop providing everything. No clean clothes for school? Were they in the washing basket? etc. Feed and clothe five year old and let the rest of them get on with it. DH will notice when he has no clean underwear (one would hope but men are funny like that) at which point show him the washing machine, point out you do a full-time job too and also run the domestics, so if he wants to continue to have food/clean clothes he had better pull his finger out - and teens too. Your household is chaotic but you cannot pull it together yourself, it's a team effort.
If there is no team response, just leave them to it and find a flat for yourself. Really, seriously! I suppose you could take the five-year-old as presumably at school and childcare is already organised. Only pay maintenance for the 2 left behind btw and demand maintenance from DH for five-year-old.

I’m not impressed with your DH TBH. Can I just contrast my experience this weekend to give you some perspective…I cooked dinners Mon-Thurs last week. DH had a meal out with his mates in the diary for Friday night, so he made the rest of us omelettes and potatoes before he left. Saturday he made steaks, potatoes, and tenderstem broccoli. Sunday he made salmon, Caesar salad, and Eton mess. Expect more.

Oh gosh OP I pictured your littlest more 8-12 aged not 5! My 6YO can easily make herself a sandwhich or some toast but no way would I expect her to especially not when her mummy has just left and she's probably really upset and frightened.

Have you had it out with DH yet because wtf is wrong with him?! He's seriously useless and selfish to not have fed the 5 year old. You really are going to have to reevaluate things because this is totally neglectful for that poor child and sorry but whatever your problems are this can't keep happening.

I cannot believe your DH let your 5 year old go to bed without any dinner. That would be the last straw for me, to be honest.

@Ahshsb your little 5 year old was ok re not starving but it would make her very anxious to see her Mum get uncharacteristically angry and storm out.
Next time take her with you.
Your dh is totally irresponsible.
It's so easy to say "Leave the bastard" but not so easy to do in real life.

Do you have any support in real life ?
There are better advisors than me on here but do get it across to your little one, without making a big deal of it that she was not to blame and perhaps subtly, give her a little treat.

That's what mine did (only he left).
3 years & they’ve spent precisely zero nights with him, & > 10 days either. Even if a dc is in hospital he's not there. Sorry yours is a waste of space too.