I walked out of the house today with no tea for the kids.

[Ahshsb]

I feel so so fed up. I have 3dc, 2 of which are teen. They are becoming so hard work, never listen to me, go mad if I try to set boundaries etc. I get that they are at that age but they are so demanding and rude and I am the default parent for everything.

I work full time and do all the cooking, most of cleaning, and everything to do with the kids.

This evening they haven't been that bad but I was exhausted and one of the DC made a snide remark which normally I would have ignored but I just snapped. I yelled at them all and told them to leave me alone for awhile, which they didn't. So I just left the house and went out and have just come back.

Dh during all of this did absolutely nothing which is normal. I get all the shit from the kids to deal with whilst he just locks himself up in his room. I feel like a single parent.

Everyone always tells me that he's so relaxed and the kids tell me how dad never tells them off and how great he is. I feel like I'm a shit parent. Shall I do what he does and doesn't talk to them, doesn't discipline them, doesn't set boundaries or play with them, take them out, spend time with them. All the things I try to do. Sometimes I just feel like giving up.

I have a friend that regularly walks out on her lot. Books herself into a hotel for the night. Orders room service, has a long bath. Lays on the bed and watches what she wants on the telly. Gets a good nights sleep, then goes home in the morning refreshed and ready for battle.

You definitely have a shit dh, but I'm also amazed your teens didn't make sure their younger sibling got food - they're clearly picking up shit behaviours from their dad...

At the very least you need a meeting to redraw the chores rota and include making food in that chore.

Your life sounds really miserable - I'm so sorry. If I or my dh or both of us was sick or tired my 13 yo would definitely try and get her sister food, and the 9 yo can also make herself toast...my teen takes the dog out, they both tidy their rooms and can make toast and a sandwich.

My teen can make fried eggs and more than that too, you need all of them taking more responsibility.

You need to walk out of the house, without guilt, far far more often. Teenagers can get their own food. Where do they get money from for takeaway?

How do you force a shit parent ( usually father) to have their DC 50% of the time ?

I work full time and do all the cooking, most of cleaning, and everything to do with the kids.

As already said you have a DH problem. Can you rent an air b and b for a week and let them cope?

I once went on strike for a week. It was brilliant. No food provided, no laundry, no lifts to activities, no support with homework, no checking they had what they needed for school. I put some money in an envelope in the kitchen for food. I went out every evening so I wasn't available. DH was around some of the time.

They are not damaged by it, they have grown up to be sensible and thoughtful young adults. It just needed that jolt to make them realise that their behaviour was not acceptable.

Go for it OP.

You can afford a one bed flat? perfect. Kids stay in the family home. You spend 3 nights at the flat, then swap.

One in the flat one in the house, 3 nights each.

people doing this now, it has a name that I cannot recall.

see how that works out for him.

To give you an idea of how other people live op...

I'm a single parent who picked up full time work again as soon as my youngest started secondary, so at age 11 (other dc 13). I get home at about 6pm.

So, they get home from school and make their own dinner. They're too hungry to wait till 7 and often have sports clubs anyway so need to have eaten by 6. If there's not the food in the house they walk to the shop and buy it.

There's no shouting involved, this just is what it is. I also wouldn't tolerate coming home to their dinner mess not tidied up so it just is.

It's evolved now to them having my dinner ready for me as I'm in last. Normal home cooked food, spag Bol stuff. 13&15, and no more capable or less than any other 13&15 yr olds..

My point is - there is absolutely NO REASON whatsoever that given you all are at school/work full time that the default housework person is you. Why would it be? They're teenagers, you have a husband. Divide chores by 4.

It's called nesting @TheKingCobraIsNotStrictlySpeakingACobra

I think nesting in this situation would involve op picking up everyones shit half the week and then her ex's shit the other half of the week. Op should get the 1 bed flat and she can pop back and see them on weekends

Book an Airbnb locally for a week so you can still work. See if he manages to sort out getting the kids to school on time, etc, etc, and still be 'fun Dad'.

Your husband is a piece of crap.
Sorry.

Just a suggestion. You leave and DH can have the DCs 100% of the time. You can see them at week-ends (every other) if you want - and pay some maintenance, of course. They don't seem to appreciate you so you might as well show how much you appreciate them and go and get on with your own life.
You'll be a lot happier. DCs may never forgive you, but the chances are that when they are parents they will realise why you did it. Meanwhile you will have had a life.

I don't see how you would be much worse off

^ THIS ^ Seconded!

Nothing that a firm punch in the ear doesn't resolve.

So, he doesn’t care (about you or the kids) and you can’t actually force him to care.
What’s he doing when he’s locked in his room? Something that would suffer from no wifi?

There's a lot of weaponised incompetence going on here, from your DH but also from the DC. If your youngest is older than about 5, they didn't need to have gone to bed hungry. They could have got something themselves ( cereal?)or asked anyone else in the house to make them a sandwich .
If the teens have enough spare cash to buy themselves a takeaway rather than cook whatever is in the fridge, I'd be considering reducing pocket money. Or did DH pay for the food?
Anyway, DH sounds useless, so until you divorce him, you can be withdrawing all services. Train up the DC , they really should be able to sort out food for themselves and their sibling.
The teens can also do their own washing, and take responsibility for themselves and their room. If they want lifts, they can chip in with the chores.
You do not need to be shouting or even talking about this much. Say it once and then show by your actions how you mean to carry on.
Once the kids are slightly more self reliant, you will find it easier to think about separating from your selfish H.

There is no obligation for a father to look after his children after a separation, is there? If they are very young a court might order it - these are teenagers. Unfortunately too many men get away with being shit parents even after a divorce. If he doesn't look after them properly then they won't want to go and you will get massive guilt too,

Its not really funny how it creeps up on us taking on all the tasks until we've become the un respected family maid.

I think this is a double issue and both need tackling - LTB aside, the DC are old enough to be involved and do some things for themselves.

Its a great time of year with school holidays encroaching for them to really get involved in this.

Short sharp shock is one option, the other is equipping them to do a few basic meals and chores. I find the easiest way to do this is start with having a few easy to cook things in. Beans on toast, noodles, frozen pizza, batch cooked microwave/ reheat meals and pies. Next choose a night a week for each teen to do the tea (even if just for the DC). One cooks the other washes up and vice versa. Initially it may be a bit cardboard, but establishing the routine and respect are step one, step two is the meals being more palatable.

Next think about the general day to day tasks around the house and start making a list. This should be divided between the contributing members of the household and a list can be pinned up (doesn't need names against it) A clear message that if people don't pick off a few tasks then the others wont be done.. IF (D)H wants his tea/ washing/ ironing done, he also needs to be putting the bins out, emptying the dishwasher, cooking x meals. If he doesn't chip in, don't do for him either. He is opting out, you can opt out too.

Children are a product of their upbringing, and you and your dh are both to blame for their lazy, rude ways and bad attitude.
You need to work together to fix it

I know it seems like you won’t be any better off after the divorce, but surely not having to look after a useless man child as well as your kids would be a relief? It might even teach your kids that behaving badly has consequences, that you won’t just put up with all their shit, so make life easier for you too. You won’t have to cook for him, you won’t have to clean up after him, it’s your house your rules, with no shit permissive parent there muddying the boundaries. The fact he didn’t feed your youngest is terrible, that sort of neglect is more than grounds for divorce. Yes he probably won’t have the kids, but you’re doing the job of a single parent without shared custody as it stands, may as well make it official. He can take them out if he wants to see them, “popping round” to yours isn’t the only alternative to having them at his place.

..and how old is the youngest? Why did he go to bed with no tea, is there no food in the house.it all sounds a little chaotic and dysfunctional

Not necessarily if her dh doesn't want to have them she could end up with them 100% of the time. But OP did choose to have 3 children with a man who can't even get off his arse to get his youngest tea. Poor decision making.

Say you split and he didn't have the kids overnight then he'd have to pay a fair amount in child support. I'd absolutely go via the CSA. You could discuss this with him and once he knows that see what he says.

You could also arrange to go away in your own for a few nights. You leave them.

I don't agree that we should bring ourselves to break point for kids but we always do end up this way. If husband is so mentally defective that he won't be able to feed the youngest I'd tell the teenagers they can figure it out. Leave them some instructions. Go away and just leave them

They don't expect you'll ever do it so will continue to be arseholes it seems