Husband said 'nice comb-over' to a man at a work drinks event

[Ramsgarthy]

My husband was at a networking drinks event for lawyers last night in London.

He is from Northern Ireland and when another man heard his voice, they said to him, 'you sound like you should be on Crimewatch'.

I understand that this was meant to be a joke (the idea being that he sounds like he's from the IRA). it is not a great joke.

But my husband replied sarcastically, 'nice comb-over', referring to the man's attempt to cover up his bald patch.

The man replied, 'now you're getting personal'.

No drinks had been had at this stage.

I think my husband's reply about the comb-over was unkind and uncalled for, because it was about his personal appearance, and would make him feel self-conscious. Do others agree?

Yes but multiple posters are referring to him as Irish, which isn't great when we don't know his own feelings on the matter.

I see myself as Northern Irish. I have a British passport. When in England that didn't matter, obviously they didn't know my religion that was enough to be called thick paddies.

Any consolation OP mine and DH code words for feck off is "your hair's nice".

As was clear from the context - and the speech marks - yes, I can very well believe that a nasty bully who has suggested that 'person from NI = IRA member' would most probably double down in his xenophobia in an effort to save face, and continue with the 'it's all just banter' bullying, after somebody has stood up to him and given him a very well-earned humiliation.

The kind of people who would realise their error and apologise sincerely afterwards when challenged over a misjudged comment are not the sort who would accuse a stranger of being a murderer and a terrorist, purely based on their accent in the first place.

Brilliant come-back. Respect to your DH.

Ok, point taken. I suppose I was assuming that if he had a British passport/identified as British, the OP would have pointed out the irony in her post, but I suppose not necessarily. I do take my own NI friends’ identifications seriously.

That comment was incredibly insulting, but I'm laughing at the comb over retort. Like dh has resorted to his 12 yr old self and is frantically thinking of something mean to say and it's the only thing come to mind.

Is it OK to 'joke' to Muslims about ISIS or is it too soon? When can we have a little giggle about Hamas? Whatever your answer is, that's when this man's comment is acceptable IMO.

Really surprised that you aren’t being more supportive of your husband here. Surely you’ve been with him long enough to understand his experience of this sort of prejudiced shit?

Well done him. Absolutely shocking of a professional to make that Crimewatch comment. It’s borderline reportable to the Solicitors Regulation Authority.

You’re absolutely wrong I assure you it happened. Why are you emphatic it didn’t? You weren’t there. I was . My parents are polite,calm undertstated. Yes they’ve been stared at,talked about ,received brusque treatment, for no reason . What’s so hard for you to understand about this?

Happened multiple times in childhood when visiting England to see relatives

Upon entering a food outlet with us as a group of children. My parents were approached by staff Told there were no free tables - there were multiple tables. It was a service station you didn’t need to book etc

my parents have called restaurants to make a phone booking told no tables. When relatives with English accents called immediately after to made a booking, guess what…tables available

I'm from NI, and when I moved to London in the 90s I used to be on the receiving end of this kind of bullshit all the time! It was quite an eye-opener, especially as I worked in a professional setting where you would expect people to have some cop-on. So I'm Team Husband, in fact if I'd overheard this exchange I would probably have shaken his hand. Comb over guy is a bigoted prick, I can't believe people on here saying they were as bad as each other, no they bloody weren't!

I don't agree no. The other man was personal first with the IRA 'joke', it would have been better to just ignore and allow an awkward silence but I don't think your husband was the one who made a personal attack first.

So all of the ubiquitous 'No Blacks, No Irish, No Dogs' signs - and the mindset behind them - that a great many people have recalled with horror are nothing more than figments of everybody's collective imaginations?

As if it's not grossly offensive enough to instantly turn people away because of the colour of their skin and/or nationality - without even bothering to deign to speak to them at the outset - they were putting these people on a par with dogs.

If you want to be an arse be prepared to have your own handed to you. The man was an arse, your DH simply handed him it back.

Your husband was justified, and TBH, quite restrained.

The other guy basically made a 'joke' that your husband sounds like a terrorist.

Not funny, highly offensive, highly ignorant - more what I'd expect in a low-grade pub than a a gathering of professional lawyers.

Please, thank your husband from me.

If I were your husband right now I’d be very concerned that had married someone who had absolutely no understanding of a fundamental aspect of my identity and lived experience. Do you actually listen to him and his family properly and understand what it is to be Northern Irish?

Yes! They're like the people who go abroad and mock the not- 100%-perfect English of the locals - who may be courteously speaking in their second, third, fourth language.

For some reason, those sorts never seem to resolve the 'issue' by just switching to the local language and showing off their prowess in it...

YABU. If telling your husband he sounds like a terrorist isn’t personal, I don’t know what is.

I think his retort was perfect. Many other people would have told the other man to fuck off.

That horrid man made an offensive comment and then got a (much, much less offensive) rejoinder.

Instead of splitting hairs about it and going "Waaaah! That's personal!", he should boldly accept his error and now just sweep it under the rug.

First comment worst, also unprovoked. I’d want a man with spine, bravo to him for standing up for himself. Please back him

@OnTheRightSideOfGeography

Instead of splitting hairs about it

Ha! see what you did there.

If they were on a par with dogs I would be welcoming them with open arms, I love dogs - its the other people I have a problem with. The rude, racist, bigoted twats who make inappropriate comments in the first place. If the first guy hadn't said anything derogatory in the first place the husband wouldn't have needed to reply. He should be grateful that he didn't get his lights punched out.

Good on your husband for that

I'm speechless that someone could think a remark about someone's hair is more 'personal' than a negative comment about their accent

I know the sign you are referring to. It has been proven to have a very dubious provenance.

Well that sure was a conversation starter. I guess OP has gone off to have a think about it.

Isn't it interesting how some people can dish it to others and expect them to be fine with it or find it funny, but clearly are sensitive little dumplings on the inside who don't want to be treated in the same way.

Unless there's some context we're missing from you, the other guy was being a twat and your husband reacted quickly. I bet he's fed up of these kind of comments.