Parents of boys- what are we doing to break the cycle of entitlement and patriarchy?

[datcherygrateful]

I want to raise my son who is a teenager, to
-not grow up into an entitled man
-to eventually understand the patriarchal system that has propped many men up and supressed women and so understand and appreciate equity vs equality in relationships.
-Respect women
-Be fully functional and so won't weaponize any incompetence in his relationships.
-Have emotional intelligence and maturity
-Be emotionally available
-Be able to emotionally regulate
-Be grounded
-Communicate openly
-Understand nuance
-Align his words with actions; lives with integrity.
-Be an active listener to his future partner and children
-Advocate and stand up when a friend or peer say or do something misogynistic.

Curious to know if there are any things you have been doing, in small doses maybe, that you picked up on from your own lived experience, things that you have vowed to do or say (or not) when raising your boys

I'm generally frustrated by a lot of the threads on this site where unfortunately too little progress is made. Cycles are repeating no matter how kind we think we raise our little boys to be. Women are still bearing the brunt and the things that too many women are experiencing are shocking and it's happening to women in their 20's and 30's; so very young still. I don't want to propagate or be complicit.

In terms of small steps or micro forms or doses, what are we all doing to plant the seeds of change?

I'm expecting his dad, grandads and uncles to set an example of all those positive things.

Absolutely. But many may be flawed and lack the tools. My dad for example is not a shining example, nor is my ex husband. I lost my grandfathers at a young age and my ex father in law.

As good as one's uncles could be, many may have grown up in toxic homes, or witnessed unhealthy dynamics which repeated. That's why cycles are repeating.

I'm wondering on a parent- level. What are we doing?

Among other things, I make him do all his laundry, cooking and cleaning. We are Asian, and most Asian men are not brought up like that! More's the pity. But I can make a change.

From day one we’ve raised our boys to see that all of us in the household are equal in terms of putting in as much effort as each other to keep the house running and manage the admin load. Dh does as much as I do to parent them and is as involved as me in ensuring their needs are met - and now they’re teenagers they also play an equal (as far as practicable) role in this. I think this is the first step to ending the idea that men go out to work and that’s the end of their contribution to family life 🙄. (And yes my dh works in a busy high pressure role and travels alot but amazingly is still able to do school admin from his high tech piece of kit called a phone 😄).

Going over the top and making them feel bad about being born with a penis can have the opposite effect btw I've infiltrated Incel corners of the internet and many of them describe having a hard core feminist mother as what turned them Incel.
Not saying you would be doing this btw just something to be aware of

Oh absolutely. It's a delicate balance. I don't want them to feel bad, but to feel empowered (not entitled)

It's very difficult because your child is part of society and if he is treated differently to other boys he will notice and may resent that so it's a hard line to find

Basic however must be bringing him up to not see housework as beneath him, so expect him to tidy , cook, respect the home ( as you might a daughter ) . Treat yourself as one of the household not the person with all the responsibilities asking others for help

Teach him to use masculine traits effectively - you are stronger than me / taller than me so can you ...

Don't force stereotypes or anti- stereotypes - he can wear what he wants, like what he wants

But what is wrong with patriarchy? competition and violence as opposed to cooperating and talking ? so praise one set of behaviour and challenge the other

Whilst bringing him up to be able to hold his own

BTW, these strategies could be super subtle things that eventually pave the way for change.

Not meaning Drill Sargent militant tactics :)

I am a mother of a daughter and sons. My daughter has been brought up to be independent, self assured and driven and doesn’t tolerate poorly behaved boys or men. She will challenge her father or any other male figure who has poor views of woman or bad attitudes. I haven’t brought her up to serve men. She has watched her Spanish grandmother spend her life in the kitchen , serving her sons and husband drinks and food and being critical of me and her other dil who work full time and don’t serve her kids.

We have to empower our girls too to know there worth in society.

I am raising him as a feminist who has spent a lot of time battling for women’s reproductive rights, an academic who works on women’s writing, who learned a lot of lessons about how not to raise children from my own upbringing and gendered socialisation. He is being raised in a household where my work is fully as important as his father’s, with a father who does all the cooking and shopping, as has strong relationships with female friends, colleagues and relatives, a household where domestic gruntwork is shared, communication is open, and mutual respect is a basic requirement. DS (12) has always had good female friends and good male and female role models.

@OnionPond that's amazing.
If you have any titbits or hacks- I would love to hear it.

@Leah5678

Hmmm take what those idiots say with a shed load of salt. It might just mean their mum told them to put their own cereal bowl in the dishwasher and poor boo boo baby had a hissy fit!

I believe the opposite. That they have mummies that molly coddle them and they expect that from every woman!!!

Just bring them up to be decent humans with decent values the same as you would with any child

Exactly.

I talk to him but more importantly I listen too! It's no use lecturing or nagging, or making them feel guilty for being male. It's more about having a positive constructive relationship where you and the teen have mutual respect. We talk through the issues that affect both sexes and how they can be addressed. Communication is the key! I also role model emotional intelligence and have done since he was a tot.

My DS is being raised in a household with a SAHD and me having the high earning big job so he sees men doing housework as totally standard. I suspect an equal divide of housework and earning would be a better model really but we’re all doing our best in the circumstances we’ve been given.

Mine are responsible and able to do most chores.
They knew from a young age if they support rights for women in terms of salaries and opportunities then they were feminists too.
They've been encouraged to be considerate and offer to do things for other family members and to help out.

However, Ive always allowed them to embrace the more "masculine" part of themselves. They're physically active in sports and exercise, they've been encouraged to take leadership roles, be independent and resilient.
They're calm, measured and capable.
I know those traits are not masculine traits themselves, but they've developed them through I guess, more masculine avenues like more male dominated sports.

I don't know. I've basically tried to raise them to be decent human beings and not stifled any part of them.

I married a man who does all of those things. I wouldn’t have had children with anyone who didn’t.

I think my whole point really is that there are no ‘hacks’. I’m modelling the behaviour I want him to see, as is DH, ditto other people around him. We talk a lot. I don’t think there are any shortcuts.

My husband and I are doing this as a team.

We share the workload equally and the household chores and mental load. We treat each other with respect, my views and hobbies are important and I take time for myself rather than martyr myself for the family

I have daughters and a son. I expect the same of them in terms of housework of course. I have a husband who is a proper partner in terms of sharing the load and is happy to call himself a feminist.

We have had discussions about feminism after my son asked 'but what about international men's day' one international women's day. We didn't hector or lecture him by the way as he was early teens at the time but it led to a good discussion about women's rights.

He seems like a good kid to me. I've never seen or heard him be disrespectful about or to girls.

I'm not sure what else we as his parents can do.

Be real , you are never going to break the patriarchy as males are the stronger sex so will always be a male dominated world - that's nature.

I hear what you are saying, but your list seems so overthought. Just show him love and respect and good communication. Keep chatting, be friends. He will pick up positivity from all of that. Do you see issues in his behaviour that is leading you to create this list?