Hi,
Apologies for a long post. I have gone down a bit of an inattentive adhd rabbit hole in the past month - I don't know whether I have it and I'm thinking of booking an appointment with my GP. So many things are clicking for me as I'm reading about it but there are some aspects that don't apply to me and I'd really appreciate to hear from others.
- I don't think I had symptoms pre 12 (which a lot of of places online says is key). When I was young I was high achieving and went to 'gifted' child holiday schools. Learning was easy and fun. Ditto the first couple of years of high school.
- It was probably age 15 where classes started requiring more focus and healthy study habits that it started to fall apart. In my final year of school I needed to drop a couple of exam subjects in order to cram for the ones that I had a chance of passing - my teachers didn't believe that I wasn't going to pass because I performed well in class and my parents had to confirm to them how bad my study habits were at home.
- I was very emotionally disregulated as a teenager but pretty much only at home - big mood swings and screaming matches with my mum. She says she thinks I was depressed.
- Periods of depression.
- Anxiety in adulthood.
- Chronic procrastination - every single uni assignment a last minute all nighter and struggled with it at work although I have got a bit better at managing it as I've got older. In the past I have quit a couple of jobs where things have started to get too much and so I wanted to move on rather than fail. I've also missed out on holidays and experiences I'd aimed to do because I've been unable to properly plan and make them happen. But I'm also capable of work at a really fast rate when the pressure is on and a deadline is due - I pull out all the stops to make it happen.
- I have tried to pursue adult study/professional qualifications a couple of times but have always dropped out as I can't sustain my study alongside work - I will spend hours with my study books without really focussing on them or getting distrcated by my phone.
- Task paralysis and lack of motivation - struggle to just get up and do stuff - feels like it really requires effort.
- I over research things and find it difficult to make a final decision.
- Money management issues - this has always been a struggle - I got into quite a bit of credit card debt over the years and worked hard to pay it off but I do still spend impulsively.
- Binge eating - not quite as bad now - it was worst when I was a teenager, I used to literally eat spoonfuls of sugar.
- Don't really have any routines or habits
- I am always trying to implement new systems to organise and get on top of the overwhelm I feel but they fall apart quite quickly.
- Switching off when people are talking to me
- Sex drive - its high in the early stages of a relationship but drops off a cliff later on and I struggle to get out of my own head during sex to enjoy it.
- Mess - from my teenage year through uni I was chronically messy. My bedroom was always a disgusting tip. I am better at it now but my partner complains about my messiness and I go from having a really big cleanout and re-organising to things being messy again very quickly
- I'm addicted to my phone.
- I don't have massive issues in social situations but I do often feel like I need alcohol to properly relax when socialising.
- I'm not hyperactive - if anything I like sitting too much.
- I'm not HUGELY forgetful but misplacing things and having to order new banks cards I probably do more than most people. I feel like my long-term memory for events in my life is really poor - other people seem to be able to remember clearly events and experiences and a lot of mine feel more like fuzzy impressions than clear memories.
I've tried to talk about this to a couple of people who know me but they've just said everyone procrastinates (true) and that I'm just always too hard on myself (also true). I don't think people see me in the way I've described myself above - I think they see someone who is doing well at life. I think mostly I have been doing ok but it all feels a lot harder than it should.
Over the past couple of years though the feeling of overwhelm and not coping has intensified. I think this is because (a) I have a 2 yr old and juggling parenthood with life and work is putting huge extra demands on me and (b) I'm in my 40s so might have some hormonal stuff going on. I feel like just getting through the week at work with nursery drops offs and parenting leaves me exhausted at the weekends and then the concept of going out and doing things at the weekend feels like a daunting organising task (and my to do list is constantly weighing on my mind).
I'd be really grateful to hear whether this sounds like how others have experienced inattentive adhd? Also what helped you get on top of it?
Thank you :)