Have you ever asked your parents for money? And WWYD if you were in my position?

[SK1973]

And a bit of a WWYD question as well?

I’m in a dilemma and really not sure if I’m being out of the way asking for money.

But I really need £10K.

I have some health issues which have really been taking their toll on me over the last 10 years. I had a uterine ablation 2 years ago after years of heavy bleeding, this lead to iron levels so low I need infusions.
Sadly, the ablation has failed, leaving me in so much pain. Found out last December that I actually have endometriosis and adenomyosis. This was no thanks to my NHS gynae as I was the one who requested a mri because of the amount of pain I’m in, I needed to know what was going on.
Turns out the ablation has caused the endometriosis to enter the walls of the uterus causing the adenomyosis.
I have seen a NHS endo gynae and he has recommended a laparoscopy for the endo, the wait for this is over a year, could be longer. He then just advised pain killers for the ablation pain and has basically left me to it. I’ve complained to PALS as I’ve been a gynaecologist patient for 11 years and angry this hasn’t been picked up before now but I’ve just been given the standard ‘Sorry this has happened, we will learn by our mistakes blah blah!’

So I scrapped up the money to see a private endo gynae, he advised that a hysterectomy will be the only option to ‘cure’ the adenomyosis and the post ablation failure pain.

The op is £10k, I asked around other local private hospitals and they are all around £8-£10K.

The stumbling block is that I just don’t have that kind of money. I am self employed and have had to scale back my hours because of the issues I currently have and will need to take at least a month (possibly more) off work when I have a hysterectomy because my job involves heavy lifting.

The only people I know with this kind of money are my parents. I left home 26 years ago and have never once asked them for money. They have never offered and I have never asked. Dh and I have always been independent and hate borrowing money from people.

I am close to my parents and see them 5 times a week. This is because mum has Alzheimer’s and I help my dad with their day to day life as he struggles (they are both elderly).

But my dad has always been very tight and never a generous person. He has hundreds of thousands in the bank and is keeping it all invested for when mum has to go into care. I totally understand the reasoning for this and this is why I have never asked for money for my op but I’m getting fed up feeling so poorly all the time. It’s affecting my energy levels, my digestive health is shot to bits and I’m struggling with my day to day living.

If I did ask for the money I would want to offer to pay it back whenever I can.

WWYD in my position? And have you ever borrowed or been given any money from your parents?

If you ask and they say no will it affect your relationship with them? If you don’t think it will then it’s worth asking especially as you also need to be healthy to help them.

Is there no way between you and your DH that you could get the money together / take out a loan or similar?

I've never asked my parents for money, I'm sure however if it was for a good reason they would help me out. I don't think I'd ask if I didn't have a plan for being able to return it though, your part about paying it back whenever you can sounds a bit woolly.

I’m sure your dad will help if he can, definitely ask, he might just offer part, but that’s something, best of luck op x

My mum has given me quite large sums of money throughout my life, and I am now doing the same for my DC as deposits for their first flat.
so I come from a very different approach- but I would say ask to borrow it. You’re in pain! It’s just money at the end of the day.

I know you have seen the new endo gynae privately but lots of people do that and then have their surgery on the NHS. Is that not an option? Or would you have to wait too long?

If so all you can do is ask your Dad. I know mine would have in a heartbeat if he could.

I would ask for it as a loan and say that once you are recovered you should be able to work more and pay him back.

I would ask him. Explain you have a medical issue leaving you in constant pain that needs urgent attention and the NHS won't cover it. You've never asked for a penny from him before and you never would for anything other than this urgent health issue. Would he consider giving you the money?

If he says no, I would seriously scale back on the visits to them.

Ah OP, It's really sad that you don't have the relationship where he'd offer this if he has the cash spare & you'd pay it back.

I'm assuming, as you see them often, your Dad knows you're in pain? It must've affected the support you can provide?

Personally, I'd ask.
But as PP said, you need to be prepared for 'No' & how that's going to make you feel about the things you do for them - of course you care for them out of love, but it will naturally affect you if he confirms that he'd rather keep the money in he bank, than help relieve the pain.

I've never asked but been offered some money from my parents in the past towards a house deposit and my wedding. Relatively small sums- still had to come up with the bulk of it ourselves- but very helpful and massively appreciated nonetheless. I never had to ask- they offered because they knew I needed money and want to help however they can. I hate the thought of my dc struggling with illness and me not helping them. Rather than asking I would tell your dad that you're ill and need 10k for the operation and see if he offers. If not, I'd be rethinking the level of help you give him!

I never ask my parents for money but I know that they would offer in a heartbeat.

My 22 year old daughter has adenomyosis. Even if it was my last 10k I would pay for this for her in the future if she felt it was necessary.

I think dad would say yes but knowing him, he won’t be overly content to hand it over so that holds me back from asking. It almost feels like begging tbh.
My sister asked for a thousand a few years back and you’d think she’d asked for tens of thousands. She had to set up a standing order to pay it back monthly.

I never have, no, but that’s because they don’t have it — I’ve been contributing to their support since I left home. In your shoes, surely it’s worth a go? Yours have lots of money, and your alternative is months of pain waiting for treatment…?

I would ask. It's not like it's for a holiday or something - you're in pain! But you have to be ready for a no and not get upset by one.

I have never asked my parents for money….. over the years my mum has given me large amounts….not for anything in particular….just because she had downsized…or had inheritances….if your mum has Alzheimer’s then is she able to give an informed decision around this? If not then it’s just your Dad you will be asking….it’s ultimately how you feel about this

I will never understand the elderly hoarding of money for the 'rainy day', your rainy day is here and a decent parent would help you out.

Both my mum and my PIL would have already offered if I was in that much pain.

I think you should ask, but it does sound unlikely that he will say yes - will you be able to move on as before without your relationship being damaged if he says no?

No we can’t atm.

From friends accounts regarding their hysterectomies, the op gave them back their lives. I’m hoping for the same which would mean I could work a lot more and pay back the money.
Nothing woolly about that, not planning on doing a midnight flee lol

I would investigate NHS hysterectomy options first tbh. I'm in wales so maybe different but my mum had one within 2 months of being referred (for similar reasons to you) 2 years ago.

If that's not an option I would ask, but if you know your dad is going to be reluctant, ask for a loan, not a gift and include how and when you plan to repay him when you ask.

It does cause me a great deal of sadness tbh. Not blowing my own trumpet at all but I do a lot for them. My dad is fully aware of my health issues but he’s not particularly interested.

I would do the same for either of my dc too.

My dear mum (pre dementia) would have given it to me in a heartbeat.

In your position I absolutely would ask. The longer endo/aden is left untreated it gets worse with every period so no waiting is the last thing you want to do (I have endo)

I would frame it to your Dad that you are worried leaving it will until the NHS op could incapacitate you and you would worry you would not be able to help out as much. As in this may affect him too so not just about you.

I follow an endo surgeon on Tiktok and on there they talk about losing kidneys to endo and or the urethra too, this is an invasive condition that affects the whole body. Ask him.

I wouldn't ask, because it doesn't sound like he'd say yes happily, from what you've said.

But I don't have anyone to ask, and am also self-employed and disabled, and without that support network all you CAN do is push on - so that'd be what I did. I'm not suggesting that's right for everyone but it'd be naive of me to not address how that will affect my perspective. I'd have nobody to ask, so not asking your Dad, if I was you, wouldn't put me in a "worse" position.

I think if you do ask, you need to be prepared that he'll treat you the way he did your sister, and you probably need to be prepared with exactly how much you can pay back per month and expect that to be quite a formal arrangement. It does not sound like he will be gifting the money to you, or happy for you to pay it back slowly and a bit more wishy-washy.

I'm sorry about your health; and the relationship with your parents. I can see why your Dad is almost hoarding money in his situation, but it must be frustrating to see that from your perspective.

Is there absolutely no way you and DH can finance the operation? What's the NHS waiting list like? I'd get myself on that anyway, just incase.

He’s absolutely petrified of ending up with no money and being out in a state run care home. Doesn’t matter how many times I (or SS) have told him that there are hardly any council run care homes these days but he doesn’t listen.

I am on the NHS waiting list. It’s at least a year.

I would 100% ask.

And fuck not being upset if I got a “no”. If he had that little concern or care for me, I think that would be the end of my relationship.