Have you ever asked your parents for money? And WWYD if you were in my position?

[SK1973]

And a bit of a WWYD question as well?

I’m in a dilemma and really not sure if I’m being out of the way asking for money.

But I really need £10K.

I have some health issues which have really been taking their toll on me over the last 10 years. I had a uterine ablation 2 years ago after years of heavy bleeding, this lead to iron levels so low I need infusions.
Sadly, the ablation has failed, leaving me in so much pain. Found out last December that I actually have endometriosis and adenomyosis. This was no thanks to my NHS gynae as I was the one who requested a mri because of the amount of pain I’m in, I needed to know what was going on.
Turns out the ablation has caused the endometriosis to enter the walls of the uterus causing the adenomyosis.
I have seen a NHS endo gynae and he has recommended a laparoscopy for the endo, the wait for this is over a year, could be longer. He then just advised pain killers for the ablation pain and has basically left me to it. I’ve complained to PALS as I’ve been a gynaecologist patient for 11 years and angry this hasn’t been picked up before now but I’ve just been given the standard ‘Sorry this has happened, we will learn by our mistakes blah blah!’

So I scrapped up the money to see a private endo gynae, he advised that a hysterectomy will be the only option to ‘cure’ the adenomyosis and the post ablation failure pain.

The op is £10k, I asked around other local private hospitals and they are all around £8-£10K.

The stumbling block is that I just don’t have that kind of money. I am self employed and have had to scale back my hours because of the issues I currently have and will need to take at least a month (possibly more) off work when I have a hysterectomy because my job involves heavy lifting.

The only people I know with this kind of money are my parents. I left home 26 years ago and have never once asked them for money. They have never offered and I have never asked. Dh and I have always been independent and hate borrowing money from people.

I am close to my parents and see them 5 times a week. This is because mum has Alzheimer’s and I help my dad with their day to day life as he struggles (they are both elderly).

But my dad has always been very tight and never a generous person. He has hundreds of thousands in the bank and is keeping it all invested for when mum has to go into care. I totally understand the reasoning for this and this is why I have never asked for money for my op but I’m getting fed up feeling so poorly all the time. It’s affecting my energy levels, my digestive health is shot to bits and I’m struggling with my day to day living.

If I did ask for the money I would want to offer to pay it back whenever I can.

WWYD in my position? And have you ever borrowed or been given any money from your parents?

I agree with PP, you need to stop dismissing your Dad's concerns about care costs, but I don't think that alone is a reason not to help you with this.

I would ask him for the money as your in pain and it's effecting your life. The condition you have will only get worse over time.
I would tell him that you need x amount to get this done and you can pay him back y amount of money each month once your recovered and back in work.
If he moans tell him straight out that your in pain and that your physical not able to help him out any longer. Give him the phone number of a few care agencies and let him spend some of the money he has then.
Let him manage without your help for a few weeks and he might realise that without your help it far harder for him to manage or possibly have free time away from your mother.

I would ask him for the money as your in pain and it's effecting your life. The condition you have will only get worse over time.
I would tell him that you need x amount to get this done and you can pay him back y amount of money each month once your recovered and back in work.
If he moans tell him straight out that your in pain and that your physical not able to help him out any longer. Give him the phone number of a few care agencies and let him spend some of the money he has then.
Let him manage without your help for a few weeks and he might realise that without your help it far harder for him to manage or possibly have free time away from your mother.

I would ask and as awful as it sounds, 10,000 will go nowhere when/if care home fees have to be paid. I would also point out that you will be able to do less and less for them as your condition worsens and he will be able to spend 10,000 on carers.

I hope you get your surgery soon, I had endo which had spread widely and should have had a hysterectomy years before I did.

I would ask but not until I had tried to get it faster on the NHS if at all possible . I’d ring patient access or whatever it is called in your hospital and ask how long you will realistically have to wait as evaluating your options due to what has happened to get you to this point. In April I was told my hip op should be within a year , hopefully 6 to 9 months. A few weeks ago I rang and asked and she had me in that week for pre op and all being well op is just under a month.

I’d also research other hospitals within travelling distance and see if they are quicker then talk to GP and see if possible to go elsewhere under your right to choose:

https://www.nhs.uk/using-the-nhs/about-the-nhs/your-choices-in-the-nhs/

In this situation I wouldn't ask, he sounds like he won't change his mind and feel obligated to do for the other what he did for one and will probably spiral. Does the private hospital do a credit agreement?

And I think I would contact PALs again and say it is unacceptable that given this wasn’t picked up in the previous 7 years that you are now being told it is a further year given that it is leaving you in a lot of pain and is impacting your ability to work which is leaving you in financial hardship due to the extremely long delay in diagnosis.

I would ask. My grandad was the tightest man I have ever met and in no way wanted to discuss women's issues. Yet he gave my mum a similar amount for a private hysterectomy after seeing her doubled in pain on an occasion and told her off for not asking sooner.

Have you spoken to your NHS consultant about whether the hysterectomy can be done on the NHS in light of the private surgeon's recommendation? Definitely worth a conversation.

I would also consider a chat with a specialist clinical negligence solicitor to see whether there might be any prospect of making a claim which could help fund the treatment you need.

Does he dismiss you because he doesn’t care or because discussing gynae problems makes him uncomfortable? Does he know the extent of it or does he think it’s just bad period pain? I don’t know him obviously, it may be that he feels uncomfortable and doesn’t know what to say, or he may just be dismissive.

I think when you ask you should make it clear that you are not only having it to solve the issue but that waiting will allow the problem to worsen.

I came to say that I would never feel able to ask for money but in your situation I would.

You can ask! I wonder if your dad really understands or whether it’s ‘women’s issues’.

I don’t think other people’s experience will help you OP. I think you should ask, brace yourself for a no and hope for a yes. Offer to pay it back in whatever instalments he decides. Being brutally honest, what’s he going to do if you aren’t able to?

To those questioning old people’s “rainy day” mentality, old age makes you very vulnerable, and financial independence is your last defence. Also you don’t know how long what you have saved is going to last. If any of us could predict that, life would be a lot easier.

I need to just clarify something as I may have worded some of my posts in a way that may have confused some people.

I absolutely never dismiss my dad when he mentions his care home worries. I help my parent’s every step of the way when it comes to their current struggles. I have the same fears myself when/if it comes to needing to go into a care home, there are so many horror stories out there and it’s frightening especially when you are elderly and vulnerable and I am going out of my way to make sure they don’t need to go into care prematurely as they will hate it and it is one the reasons I have never asked for any money from then as I am fully aware of my father’s fears and if/when the time comes, I will do my research and make sure the have the best care they can afford.

I’m also need to clarify that IF I do ask, it will be to borrow not be given the money. I am hoping from other’s experiences (via the support groups I belong to), the op will help me feel a whole lot better than I currently do and I can start living my life again, working more, earning more and pay the money back to my parents.

We talk about anything in our family, no one is squeamish but he doesn’t appear that bothered tbh. My sister has a serious health issue and is currently being messed about by the NHS, he doesn’t appear that interested in her health problems either.

He has always been this way.

I thought the NHS was usually fairly good in getting ops done when it affects your ability to work.

What assets do you have that you could secure a loan against ?

No, I think the NHS mostly steps up when something is life threatening, but not when it "only" affects quality of life.

This is sad, I don't see the point in hoarding loads of cash like this. My mum ended up in a care home. She had spent her money enjoying life and treating her DCs and DGCs. She had enough in savings for us to choose a nice private care home rather than state, and enough to pay for approx 2 years. The Council then paid for the following 5 years before she died. She had friends in adjacent rooms who had never paid a penny.

I'd hate to see my DDs suffering whilst I had cash in the bank. Ask him OP. Nothing to lose.

I think you should ask. Be brave. You're entirely justified in asking. Your Dad would have to have a heart of stone to deny you help given the circumstances.
If he turns you down, I'd be incredibly disappointed and upset. And seriously reconsider the relationship.

I would definitely ask for a loan. You'll have it paid back before he needs it for a care home.

My parents have lent me large sums of money (50k and 20k) on two occasions and although my dad is fairly tight with money he was happy to add long as I was clear on how it would be paid back.

And yes I know I'm very lucky. My parents were working class though and have worked very hard.

This for me too, paying it forward.

I had a wonderful relationship with my parents, both very generous so never felt unable to ask for help over the years.

I would ask OP it could be life changing for you, tell your dad that.

Your dad sounds like my dad. It's fucking woeful isn't it. I have endo too and it is horrific.

I would ask. And I agree with pp that it truly would affect my relationship with them if he said no. The worse this gets with every passing cycle means you're less able to support them. Also, fuck it being a loan - you're there 5 days a week! 10k wouldn't last 10 mins if they sought private care 5 days a week.

I'd really cut back on your support. If he can't support you in the way you need, why should you support him? The door swings both fucking ways.

Sadly £10000 is a drop in the ocean when it comes to care costs - my dad was in a nursing home for the last year of his life and even with the nursing component paid by the state, the fees were more than £7000 a month. It was in a relatively well-to-do part of London but the facilities and care were nothing out of the ordinary. In your position I would ask to borrow the money and if he says no, then reassess.

No, we used to subsidise our parents.

We have some savings and if one of our kids needed help, we’d offer/not be the least perturbed if they asked.

Hope it all works out for you, you deserve a break.

I would ask for a loan and explain the circumstances/reasons and plan for repayment

If/when he refuses to lend you the money, I would begin to re-evaluate the help you are providing FOC and explain, if questioned, that your health issues have got worse and are preventing you from assisting them as much as you were previously