Have you ever asked your parents for money? And WWYD if you were in my position?

[SK1973]

And a bit of a WWYD question as well?

I’m in a dilemma and really not sure if I’m being out of the way asking for money.

But I really need £10K.

I have some health issues which have really been taking their toll on me over the last 10 years. I had a uterine ablation 2 years ago after years of heavy bleeding, this lead to iron levels so low I need infusions.
Sadly, the ablation has failed, leaving me in so much pain. Found out last December that I actually have endometriosis and adenomyosis. This was no thanks to my NHS gynae as I was the one who requested a mri because of the amount of pain I’m in, I needed to know what was going on.
Turns out the ablation has caused the endometriosis to enter the walls of the uterus causing the adenomyosis.
I have seen a NHS endo gynae and he has recommended a laparoscopy for the endo, the wait for this is over a year, could be longer. He then just advised pain killers for the ablation pain and has basically left me to it. I’ve complained to PALS as I’ve been a gynaecologist patient for 11 years and angry this hasn’t been picked up before now but I’ve just been given the standard ‘Sorry this has happened, we will learn by our mistakes blah blah!’

So I scrapped up the money to see a private endo gynae, he advised that a hysterectomy will be the only option to ‘cure’ the adenomyosis and the post ablation failure pain.

The op is £10k, I asked around other local private hospitals and they are all around £8-£10K.

The stumbling block is that I just don’t have that kind of money. I am self employed and have had to scale back my hours because of the issues I currently have and will need to take at least a month (possibly more) off work when I have a hysterectomy because my job involves heavy lifting.

The only people I know with this kind of money are my parents. I left home 26 years ago and have never once asked them for money. They have never offered and I have never asked. Dh and I have always been independent and hate borrowing money from people.

I am close to my parents and see them 5 times a week. This is because mum has Alzheimer’s and I help my dad with their day to day life as he struggles (they are both elderly).

But my dad has always been very tight and never a generous person. He has hundreds of thousands in the bank and is keeping it all invested for when mum has to go into care. I totally understand the reasoning for this and this is why I have never asked for money for my op but I’m getting fed up feeling so poorly all the time. It’s affecting my energy levels, my digestive health is shot to bits and I’m struggling with my day to day living.

If I did ask for the money I would want to offer to pay it back whenever I can.

WWYD in my position? And have you ever borrowed or been given any money from your parents?

My sister asked for a thousand a few years back and you’d think she’d asked for tens of thousands. She had to set up a standing order to pay it back monthly

Why did she need the money though? If she didn't need it for emergency healthcare costs then I wouldn't assume he'll see it in the same way.

Also, the fact that she's been lent money and repaid it responsibly (assuming she did pay it all back!) will actually help you as it won't seem like such an outlandish request and he'll have faith that you can repay it.

I'd ask @SK1973 but I'd approach it in a business like way since money is such an issue for your Dad. Explain how it will make you really ill if left too long and you'll be no help to him but you're happy to set up a modest payment plan. I know he can afford to give it to you as a gift but I can't see him going for that in his state of mind

I've never asked - I know my lovely mum would have lent it me - not so sure about my dad though. In your situation I would definitely ask though - my daughter has endometriosis and I would give her my last penny to help her
Good luck 🤞

I have never asked as an adult no.

But they have gifted me money - a handful of times because they wanted to. I’d have managed but they wanted to help me and they could spare it.

Once the reason was similar to you although not as much in £. I could afford it myself but they wanted to help me and in the end I accepted.

If I was in your situation they would want me to ask and if they had it spare they would give it to me. Not lend. Give.

However both are in good health and quite well off so not sure a direct comparison could be made.

You know your parents best.

TBH I think the main reason I know they would lend or give me money in a heartbeat is because they know I would never - and have never - asked.

I was broke for a long time and went hungry rather than ask them for cash. If you have never asked and it is now needed for your health - and they can afford it - I would hope they would help you.

He has hundreds of thousands in the bank, £10k of it to help his daughter have a better quality if life is a drop in the ocean.

I wouldn’t have a hysterectomy without getting a second opinion. You also need to do some reading in the potential complications. For many women it does help. For the ones it does not, they have just traded one set of problems for another.

if you do want to proceed, I would at least try to get it done in the nhs. They may actually be more willing to go with the quick fix approach than the one that involves investigation and trying various treatments. The worst that happens is they say no. The best is that you save 10k

Op people are so weird about money.

I assume you will be getting some inheritance regardless of your mum.

I've never asked my parents for money, but they don't have much. When I've needed a large sum I've been able to get a loan and I'd rather pay commercial loan rates than ask family or friends for money - but I hate people to think I'm struggling.

I think you should investigate the NHS options and definitely get on a waiting list. I've had various NHS op and I didn't feel I waited too long (but tbh I don't consider a year to be that long... I'd probably stick it out in the NHS than fork out £10k if it was my own money tbh). If it's still not getting anywhere after a few months then I'd ask.

Thing is having seen different nursing homes with my grandparents (both with dementia), I have some sympathy for his feelings on wanting to save for that.

My granny was in a lovely one, cost a lot, but so nice she thought she was in a hotel on holiday. Nothing was too much trouble. When it was nice weather, they'd wheel her outside to watch the birds because they knew she liked that. Beautiful grounds. They had people in to give massages, entertainment, etc.

My gran was in one that was apparently still quite reasonable, but there was no comparison. Entertainment was a record player (in mid 90s) and there was no outside space, but even if there was, they wouldn't have taken her outside because "there's no one to do that."

Yes, the Op is his dd and it would be nice if he can help her. But we're also talking about his wife, who has a known need, who he also wants to help.

I don't know how imminently he feels she might need to go into a home, but that might also sway how he feels.

I have already mentioned that I’m on the waiting list, I have been informed that it’s a least a year.

A year is a long time to wait when you are in pain every day. I also have digestive issues which are more than likely related. A failed uterine ablation which means I have labour type pains with every period where the trapped blood has nowhere to escape.

Alongsude my endometriosis and adenomyosis, I have a failed uterine ablation which causes labour like pain. There are no alternatives for dealing with that (other than pain killers which exacerbate my digestive issues).

Thank you Craftysue, I’ve been told there’s a strong possibility my dd could have it too. If I ever have money to help her, I’d go out of my way to help also.

crispy-eggs thank you, it’s no a nice condition at all is it? I’m thoroughly fed up tbh.

Have you talked to him yet?

I’ve got my fingers crossed for you.

I do think you need to do it with a clear deadline for when he’ll have it back though, and perhaps interest added, as someone else suggested. So he knows they in 12 months time, for example, he’ll have the money he would have had anyway for care homes.

Can you pay to see a consultant privately?

My understanding was that it used to be you could pay the several hundred to do this and get bumped up the consultants NHS list. Hideously unethical obviously, and I don't know if that's still the case but worth googling.

Another thing if you're on a specific wait list is to find out who is managing the list and let them know you're free to come at any time ( if you are) so you will get told about cancellations.

Have you tried going on non stop contraception- I'm on cerazette and it has stopped the symptoms after a few months, this was after an op though.

Good luck, it's a horrible disease, I was so lucky to have private medical cover through my employers.

Do it. It's called the bank of mum and dad for a reason.

My DF bailed us out when we needed cash urgently and I've done the same for my adult DD.

If they say "no" well I'm sorry but that means you have shit parents.

Definitely ask @SK1973

I understand your DF is overly worried about care home fees. AFAIK the care home only ask you to demonstrate that you have enough money or income to cover 2 years fees. £10k is a drop in the ocean compared to £2k per week for care.

If you were my child, I would definitely give (not loan) you £10k. But I’m not a miser.

I hope your dad says yes. Good luck!

No point asking my parents as they had no money. We once asked DHs parents for a loan for urgent house repairs (his mother was disabled) and his father took the money out of the bank but calculated the interest he was losing on it and wrote it down so we knew exactly how much we had to repay. In the end, it turned out SiL had also borrowed a similar sum so the debt was written off. I’d rather not have asked but we were desperate. If you are going to ask for the money you need to be able to agree regular repayments and not ‘I’ll pay it back when I can’.

OP, I had a similar issue ages ago. Life-ruining health problem, no NHS.

My parents said no to help. But…the rest of the family was so horrified they paid the lot between them.

My parents pay for their carers now at £70k a year. Costs them a lot more than the £5k that saved my bacon.

I expect he will say no - your sister borrowed £1000 and had to set up a standing order to repay it over x time ?

you want to borrow 10 x that amount and your offer to repay is ' I would want to offer to pay it back whenever I can. '

I do not think that will be acceptable to him, you would probably need to say e.g. in 3 months time when I am back at work I can repay you x amount every month for x time.

So before you ask, how much can you repay him and over what time period - a year ? less ? more ?

I paid to see the most recommended endo gynae in my area. Sadly, due to his popularity everyone wants to see him and he has a horrendously long waiting list on the NHS. He referred me over to the gynae with the shortest waiting time but it’s still at least a year. Tbh, if I hadn’t complained to PALS (due to my regular gynae taking 10 years to pick up the endo) I would still be on a 40 week wait just to see this endo gynae. Our hospital (like most, I suppose) have such long waits. My sister has just had thyroid surgery after a 2 year wait.

I was on cerazette but it exacerbated my aura migraines to the point that I was getting them all the time. Gynae says I can try Zoladex injections but I may end up with the same issues.

I can imagine my df doing this!

You can ask. He can say no.

you can also stop being an unpaid carer 5x a week for your Mum. That will cost him say £400 a month for private care,

I have endo.

I developed symptoms age 13 when my periods started.

My dad absolutely didn't give a shit. He never cared about anyone else in his life. My mum got me seen by the NHS but they refused to put me even on the waiting list for surgery as I was too young. My parents didn't have the money for private surgery.

I was on painkillers pretty much non-stop from age 13 until I was 19 when I was admitted to hospital as I'd collapsed due to the pain of the endo.

My grandparents then paid for me to be operated on privately.

Please ask your dad. He sounds like a shit parent, and like many people of that age obsessed with never spending any more in case he needs it for care.