Have you ever asked your parents for money? And WWYD if you were in my position?

[SK1973]

And a bit of a WWYD question as well?

I’m in a dilemma and really not sure if I’m being out of the way asking for money.

But I really need £10K.

I have some health issues which have really been taking their toll on me over the last 10 years. I had a uterine ablation 2 years ago after years of heavy bleeding, this lead to iron levels so low I need infusions.
Sadly, the ablation has failed, leaving me in so much pain. Found out last December that I actually have endometriosis and adenomyosis. This was no thanks to my NHS gynae as I was the one who requested a mri because of the amount of pain I’m in, I needed to know what was going on.
Turns out the ablation has caused the endometriosis to enter the walls of the uterus causing the adenomyosis.
I have seen a NHS endo gynae and he has recommended a laparoscopy for the endo, the wait for this is over a year, could be longer. He then just advised pain killers for the ablation pain and has basically left me to it. I’ve complained to PALS as I’ve been a gynaecologist patient for 11 years and angry this hasn’t been picked up before now but I’ve just been given the standard ‘Sorry this has happened, we will learn by our mistakes blah blah!’

So I scrapped up the money to see a private endo gynae, he advised that a hysterectomy will be the only option to ‘cure’ the adenomyosis and the post ablation failure pain.

The op is £10k, I asked around other local private hospitals and they are all around £8-£10K.

The stumbling block is that I just don’t have that kind of money. I am self employed and have had to scale back my hours because of the issues I currently have and will need to take at least a month (possibly more) off work when I have a hysterectomy because my job involves heavy lifting.

The only people I know with this kind of money are my parents. I left home 26 years ago and have never once asked them for money. They have never offered and I have never asked. Dh and I have always been independent and hate borrowing money from people.

I am close to my parents and see them 5 times a week. This is because mum has Alzheimer’s and I help my dad with their day to day life as he struggles (they are both elderly).

But my dad has always been very tight and never a generous person. He has hundreds of thousands in the bank and is keeping it all invested for when mum has to go into care. I totally understand the reasoning for this and this is why I have never asked for money for my op but I’m getting fed up feeling so poorly all the time. It’s affecting my energy levels, my digestive health is shot to bits and I’m struggling with my day to day living.

If I did ask for the money I would want to offer to pay it back whenever I can.

WWYD in my position? And have you ever borrowed or been given any money from your parents?

My friend has lost a kidney, part of her bowel and was in intensive care for 3 days due to her endo.
My sister has lost an ovary due to endo.
It is a horrible condition.

Could you look at a zero % interest credit card or a low interest loan?
Ive borrowed money from family and set up a direct debit to pay it back over a few years.
My parents would never give me the money.

Sometimes I only put up with him because of my dear mum.
Had him calling this morning as he was whinging about some bloody email from his bank. Told him I’m not feeling great this morning and received a ‘oh!….anyhow, about this email?..’

I don't think you're entirely right there.

There are a LOT of really grotty care homes with council contracts. And to be honest, I wouldn't want to end up in one.

Perhaps he thinks your response downplays his concerns?

The nice but not overly fancy residential home near me is £1,650 per week for self-funders, £1,950 for self-funding dementia patients.

Ask.

Most private hospitals do 0% deals too.

I’m in a similar but reversed circumstance. Self employed, ongoing recurring gyne problems causing crippling pain. Private surgery is £9000. My parents have offered to pay but I just can’t accept that kind of money from them

I have never asked for money from my parents, and have not received a penny. This is because I have not ever needed it.

However, if DD needed money for surgery, I would absolutely pay for it, given the state of the NHS. I wouldn't pay for a holiday or clothes or stuff, but certainly for any emergency or suffering.

I've never asked for money from my parents and they're now approaching 80 with more cash than they could ever spend, but also worried about not knowing how long they might need to pay care fees etc. It's definitely true that having money gives you much more choice, even if not having it doesn't necessarily mean a LA home, so I symathise.

However, I think I would ask in your shoes and apart from the fact that my Dad definitely wouldn't want to hear about gynae issues 😆 I don't think they'd hesitate.

I’m only going by what we’ve been told by social services and the Alzheimer’s society when they’ve come to visit us. I’ve not responded to my dad about this at all, his fear is purely based on his own assumptions.

I’m a carer/PA myself and have to go onto homes, tbh I’ve never been in a grotty or council run home in my area, they are all lovely. Not to say, of course the shitty ones don’t exist, im fully aware they do and I’d never put either of my parents in a care facility like that.

I am also fully aware of the cost of care home fees which is why I’ve been hesitant to ask my df for a loan, I know it will cost a fortune when mum goes into care but its kind of my last hope tbh.

From your update firstly I am sorry about your friend and sister. People seem to think endo is just painful periods. We need to get the message out that it is so much more than that.

I would definitely go for the it will affect how often I am able to help you Dad and make that your main motive for asking for the money rather than being pain free; being able to help him out because I think that might be the only talk he understands. Sadly.

I hope you manage to find a solution.
I feel for you, gynae pain is just horrendous.

Unfortunately £10k is a drop in the ocean re care home fees, less than 2 months, so whilst I absolutely symathise with his concerns, I don't think it would be a reason not to do this for you.

That's the thing. Unless you are a millionnaire then no matter what you have saved for care home fees it won't last very long and if you have chosen one more expensive than the council is willing to fund you will then have to be moved.

A good parent wouldn't see you suffer and not help. You should ask.

I never have, I am much better off than my mum, so she sometimes asks me and I always say yes because I won't see those I love suffer.

My mum was thoughtful with her money after a lifetime of scrimping, but extremely generous to us. She would have paid for this in a heartbeat (she was all set to pay for me to have an operation on my bunions but I said no, they don't even hurt).

I think it is almost certain that he won't pay, but ask him anyway. Give him that chance.

Also, let go of the idea that his fears about care costs are unjustified - I don't think they are. Having a choice about care for your mum and himself is a precious thing. The thing is, your request wouldn't affect that.

In the meantime, set up a crowd funder (tell him about that too), harass the consultant's secretary about cancellations (if you can get to the hospital at an hour's notice or something, tell them that) and ask the private hospital about financing.

Yes I have asked and yes without hesitation they have lent it to DH and myself.

Many years ago when DH and I were newly married we wanted to put a new bathroom in, they offered and we took them up on it. Paid it back within 6 months.

They could see the garden wall needed to be rebuilt - they offered to lend us the money and again we paid it back within a couple of months.

Two years ago, DS1 was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumour. After his craniotomy, chemo and radiotherapy DH took him to Singapore for the F1. The cost of the insurance was more than the trip - 5K. I rang my Dad and asked if he could lend us the money and within a couple of minutes it was in my account, it was paid back within 12 months. It would have been sooner but we didn't know how much time we would have with DS1 and crammed a lot of bucket list things in which didn't come cheap.

They have always made it clear if we need help and they can help then they will.

In turn.... our DS2 lives with his partner and we help them. DS2 works full time, partner is at uni and works too and they have a small child but don't have a vast amount of money. We pay for DS2's car, help out with childcare, we also put money in their save to buy ISA every month. I pick up food treats for them, treats for our granddaughter too.

I would suggest asking to borrow the money and agreeing a) the rate of repayment b) simple interest ie 4% so that he can't say he is missing out on current high interest rates. If it's a more formal proposition than "I'll pay it back when I can" he may be more likely to go for it.

BellaVita - I couldn't read your post and not comment. I'm glad you were able to give your ds1 some bucket list experiences in the time he had left.

Of course you can ask. You just need to be prepared for a no answer or a yes with conditions. But it’s certainly not unreasonable to ask.

Also, I’m a bit confused? Are you waiting to have a hysterectomy on the NHS or a different procedure? If the latter, get in touch with your NHS consultant and get moved to the hysterectomy queue as they may have different wait times.

And escalate your complaint beyond PALS. I had a similar response via PALS when it came to the treatment of my then 2 month old. Even PALS were unhappy with the “we will learn from our mistakes” response in light of what I complained about that they escalated to a formal complaint without even asking me. And I got a much better response after it was escalated.

Your dad, having hundreds of thousands, would be a monster not to immediately gift you £10k. I would ask him to give it to you. And remind him that your mum would have done it if he’s negative.

If he won’t, then the next time he calls you for help, tell him you’re bleeding and in pain and unfortunately can’t help him. And repeat. Until he gets the message.

You need to ask them. It's what money is for. They are family, they should support you. It's 100 percent what our family would do.

Thank you

Based on what you’ve said he’s unlikely to hand it over without a huge drama or may even say no. If that’s the case you’re surely going to feel real resentment. In this case I would make alternative plans - either take a loan or stick with the NHS list.

If one of my DC were in pain and needed £10k for an operation I'd want to help them. I'd be upset if I found out they had been too afraid to ask me for help. If your parents have the spare cash I'd ask them for help. You could tell them you'd repay £x amount per month back.

I would definitely ask. If your father is worried about depleting his funds, could you offer to pay him back over a period? He's probably hanging on to it for some scary but long off future so he might be reassured by a repayment plan that would put the money back before it's needed.