Mid 40s, what is it we are all missing/need??

[2point4kiddies]

I've followed a couple of 'coaching' calls recently for women of a similar age and there are so many women saying they don't feel enough/don't feel fulfilled, are fed up, stuck in a rut and it got me wondering what it is that these women/we all need at this stage in our lives? I get we are all potentially struggling with parenting/our own parents/perimenopause/jobs (and possible dissatisfaction) but as most of these things cannot be changed, what do we need/can we realistically do to help these feelings??

Excitement
Adventure
Freedom

Sleep. I have a one-year old who is allergic to it.

The problem is that I am not, any community that resembles an Italian extended family Sunday lunch would do .🙂

It is the regularity I miss, the knowing no matter what we are meeting on x day(s) of the month.

I would however go and google that as they seem an interesting bunch. Thank you.

Hormones and money mainly.

I am in my early sixties but remember this stage well. I think for most people a mid life crisis is rediscovering what is important to you, and it is often what was important to you when younger. That might be spending more time having fun with friends, taking up art again, or doing adventurous travel.
I think it is easy to lose a sense of what is important you when you are busy with a family and work. Looking back though, my early forties were the best years of my life, although I did not appreciate at the time. I did rediscover what mattered to me and had great fun.

@NotAgainWilson if you’re not sure what I meant by sex realist/gender critical it means believing that a woman is an adult human female and not a man in a dress. Check out the feminist sex and gender board for more of an idea https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights

To talk to people in real life more, to have a hobby, to get more sleep and self care, to look at screens less (edited as said more before 😅😅😅), to be more valued, to catch a break!

I found that we move from parenting small children to being the sandwich generation, stuck now between teens and elderly parents.

I actually find the teenage years more mentally draining than primary school years which were more physically but I was also 7 years younger than I am now.

Adding menopause (so far minor symptoms, knock on wood) and some other health issues don't help with feeling exhausted and lacking motivation to do things but I start to realise it and DH and I are now making more effort to look for activities we enjoy but also we started some new interests.

Making the consious decision not to go back to full-time but stick with part time to have one day for me/life admin/chores and continuing to outsource tasks was the best decision DH and I took. But we are lucky to have the income to support this and still get me a decent pension.

Its interesting that so many of us mention lack of money and on the other hand people mention lots of therapy and other things that quite frankly need a lot of money to support/access it.

Maybe thats the problem, those that need a life coach/therapy etc cant access it yet they know its all out there.

For me it's freedom.

I want to escape the need to be tied to work. I want to be able to potter about at home, write books and travel and see the world before health issues start creeping in.

I've raised four children single handedly for the last 12 years. I had my first at 22 before I'd really enjoyed becoming an adult. Youngest is in Y10 so I still have a few years left before she is independent but that freedom is tantalisingly close now. I've always been tied to others and their well being. I've been single for 12 yrs so I've had nobody to look out for me. I just feel done with responsibility.

I think I need holidays.

“Can’t catch a break” is a victim mindset.
Discarding that thought pattern will cause you to catch more “breaks”.
It’s a self fulfilling prophesy.

I have come to realise there is a segment of people who cherish their doom and gloom. These people often “can’t catch a break” because that outlook rubs off on people, consequently an attitude like that acts as a human insect repellent.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.

Can’t catch a break is hazardous and dangerous to your life, not only it ensures you remain where you are, it’s a slippery slope downwards.

It's freedom for me too. I had my daughter late in life though, so it's some time off. I am utterly fed up of being tied to work and having to follow other people's direction. Most of it feels utterly pointless, and I think having now been working for many years you see all the same ideas come back round in circles (and nothing ever really changing other than yet another new system being implemented). I loved maternity leave and the freedom to choose what I did with my own time (to an extent). The month I had off before the baby arrived was such a glorious glimpse into what retirement will be. Sadly a long way off still.

Maybe it's validation? I wonder if men get more validation, more being told they're doing a good job, seeing results etc Whereas women do more invisible, unappreciated work?

Bleepy
well except when your brother who is autistic is having a rough time, your mum is in and out of hospital and can barely hobble with two canes when she’s home in a house not suitable for her, your car has broken down and the part you need costs two grand, your son’s eczema is bleeding, your other son is waking up with nightmares l, you’re sick yourself etc etc 😅 Some of us are positive but literally need bad things to stop happening (just at the moment, things do even off but It’s an apt phrase for the last few months, we all just need some breathing space!!)

Great thread. I’m enjoying looking at peoples solutions!

I had my first one very young so I don’t even think I know what I enjoy doing for myself!

These responses are really interesting, particularly how many mentioned money. I think it's clear most women lose a sense of themselves if they have/are bringing up a family and they don't put themselves first.

I guess I was wondering what smaller things could be implemented to improve day to day life ie 15 minutes yoga, half an hour for a coffee, time to have a bath etc.

I'm pleased to see that there's not as many women 'feeling worthless/unfulfilled/stuck/lost/overwhelmed' as I saw on the calls I've been doing, perhaps it was just a case of these calls attracting a certain type rather than it being the majority if that makes sense.

Exercise. I didn’t do proper exercise for most of my 40s as too busy running around after little children. Now about to exit my 40s and DC are teens and I’ve been exercising and realised what I’ve been missing the last few years. I could have prioritised that time earlier.

This, pretty much.

I totally understand why mid-life crises are a thing.

As they say, youth is wasted on the young.

Aragorn : What do you fear, my lady?
Eowyn : A cage. To stay behind bars until use and old age accept them and all chance of valor has gone beyond recall or desire.

😱

Vitamin D, apparently.

My late DH.

Then I’d have support and love and company and time to rest.

I’m exhausted.

Freedom for me as well.

I secured my “dream” job in my early twenties then unexpectedly fell pregnant in my late twenties, circumstances meant I eventually had to give up my dream job completely and be a SAHM for a few years - and those years were the happiest I have ever been, and it was the combination of baby days/toddler years and freedom of running my own schedule that I enjoyed.

I definitely need to start making some time for ‘me’ again. Life is too bloody short isn’t it.

I need a wife.