Birthday gift friend 40 y old - only cash requested

[Maria1979]

I need some help/guidelines. A good friend of mine is having a birthday party (40) and she has requested cash only... well I have no idea how much to give. No children allowed, Her husband has booked a big house (10 bedrooms) with swimming pool and will provide beverages and food. They just asked me to bring a big salad. 10 couples will come, some from far away so they will stay for the night.
I thought we should gift her with 100£ while my husband thinks it's too much, he's suggesting 60, max 80£. I have no idea what the others are giving since I dont know them well but she is putting 2500£ on renting the house for 3 days (the children are invited the day after the party) and I think 100£ is the minimum to give. This does represent a big sum for us but then again we dont go out much and almost never without the children so we can manage it. But is 100£ enough or do you think we ought to give her more? I will be the one deciding since it's my friend...

I don’t understand, are you staying in the house for 3 days or just attending the party?

Ooh that is tricky! If you're staying at the house I'd do about £100, maybe £150. If you're just going for the party then I'd give £40/50. It'd be good.if you could ask one of the other couples!

Are you one of the couples staying, or just attending a party at the house they've hired?

I'd give £40 for a fortieth.

It’s difficult - is it a birthday present or a contribution to the cost of the house?

I'm not sure I would go to the party of a person who demanded money off me.

Gosh, personally asking for money is really uncouth. I'd go with the £40 for 40 and maybe add something personal to it as well.

Tricky … I would give 50 I think but if you are getting accommodation and only have to bring a salad .. it’s a cheap night away so 100 is plenty

I would give £100 because of the house rental.

Are you staying over at the house? I get asking for overnight guests to chuck in a token amount/whatever they can afford to go towards the accommodation costs but surely an adult doesn’t ask for cash for their birthday??? It’s like something my 14YO niece would do. I probably wouldn’t go if that’s what it is because it’s weird and grabby. Or maybe I’d ignore the request and take a bottle of champagne (or whatever her preferred tipple is). I certainly wouldn’t be giving a 40YO birthday money!

Same.

She's chosen to have a party in a rented house. She's the host and shouldn't be expecting guests to contribute effectively to the cost of the party. Its crass to ask for money imo.

We are just attending the party but we will come back the day after with the children when a birthday party for my friend's son will be held (he has not asked for cash so a toy will do:). We are invited to stay but need to go home cause we have a sitter watching our children.

They have chosen to rent the property, their choice.
they didn't ask all their friends ' shall we hire a house and have a few days away to celebrate xyz's birthday, it will be £x for each couple / family.

£40 for a 40th.
and I would be hoping / expecting she spends the £40 on / towards something for herself and not putting it towards the cost of their rental.

tho I do think it's greedy to ask for money for an adult birthday.

Sorry, I didnt explain. Her husband said she does not want any gifts, just contribution to a holiday ie cash. It is quite odd that if you're saving for a holiday you splurge 2500 on a 3 day rental I grant you that🤔 but not my pb...

It's a bit weird. If they were hosting at home, then imagine what you'd spend on a gift for that. That's what I'd probably give, in the region of £40 - £50 most likely.

If I was staying over, then I'd give more, to contribute towards board and lodging.

What I wouldn't be doing is effectively subbing the party venue they've chosen to use.

I think you should forget about how much they are spending - that is their decision & shouldn't have anything to do with what you gift your friend. I think your consideration should be what would you normally gift a friend for their 40th birthday and what do you think is reasonable within your budget. I also think it's weird giving a grown adult money for their birthday and as pp have said I would feel it was really grabby too. That said I'd probably stick £50 in a card at a push but no more.

BTW, does she KNOW her husband is asking for cash?

pretty sure most of the major holiday rentals explicitly ban parties. Air bnb does.

'This does represent a big sum for us but then again we dont go out much and almost never without the children so we can manage it'

we can manage it, I know you think £100 is what you would like to give, but

what would you normally spend on a gift, for a friend's 40th

now that we know it's going towards a holiday

I would give £50 and then a small thoughtful gift (something from Etsy or similar for like £15) Then you’ve respected the request for cash but by giving a small gift too don’t have to worry about amount as you have also given gift.

Asking for money towards a holiday as a 40th birthday present is really weird. CF territory to be frank.

It would still be a no from me.

If you have a party, you want to invite people to celebrate you. Not with a request for cash. Guests should be able to decide what they wish to gift and a 40 year old asking for cash is just a no for me. Same with weddings. I'd gift money at a wedding possible but not if it was demanded!

If I was attending a friends birthday party I would think £50 is enough. It is their choice to hire a venue so I wouldn’t feel like I had to give more for that reason. If I was invited to stay over at the venue in a room then I’d give the £100

See that's the tricky part. We are invited to stay over but choose not to since we have a SN child at home (which is why I cant work and we're on a limited budget)and need to be home at night to relieve the sitter.
Normally I would spend around 30 on a friend's birthday: flowers, fancy chocolate or a book depending on what the person likes.
This is different cause I know she spends a fortune on the airbnb rental. She told me jokingly that she told a friend of hers to start saving up for her bday present. I would personally never proceed this way but then I rather forget my bday as well so Im not normal either😄. The thing is, it might be rude but she has got many good qualities and is a generous person otherwise I wouldnt consider going...

I normally gift £20, but in this case I'd make it £50. I think £100 is too much.